I don't know if I've mentioned this since lunch, but I really have nothing but disdain for Bill O'Reilly.
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I have the best job in the non-making-love-to-Raquel-Welch-circa-1961-for-money world, and this week it's all about the horrible things that occur to your genitals that aren't viruses and bacteria: Seven Agonizing Sex Injuries
It's about one of my favorite topics ever -- PAIN! And also sex. Pardon me, but do you have any you could spare?
Personally, I find sex richer when it's mentally anguished rather than physically, which is why ladies often ask me what they’re doing wrong. (Answer: “Not being my ex-girlfriend. LOL!" Tears.) But that's not just a sex thing. I get a lot of strangers walking up to me and asking what's wrong. Usually, nothing; I'm just thinking hard about something, such as tying my shoes. But other times I want to ask them if they've been paying attention to the last ten years. Either way, when strippers and Republicans tell you you have darkness inside you, something is truly, terribly wrong.
And don't think I forgot about Fatty Arbuckle, internet. I looked him up for the article. It's only that I doubt he did anything with a Coke bottle or an icicle, and whether or not they did have sex, there's a lot to indicate she died of aggravation of other wounds/conditions.
Anyway, here's some material that fell off the article for you. Despite citation of Darwin Awards and a few people saying they remember it happening, I just couldn't verify it. The worst part is I know it's real. I've found a few people saying they confirmed it on Reuters or the Telegraph's site, but...ahh, I dunno. Maybe I just didn't want to make jokes about a drunk woman's pointless death. I mean, I joke about death all the time, in a "laugh or scream to repel the horror" way, but it was hard to find an angle talking about this that wasn't just "Haw haw U R dead." So maybe I was looking for an excuse to ditch it.
An intoxicated woman in Australia (so basically: a woman in Australia) drowned while--*ahem!*--going down under. The recipient enjoyed it so much (and was also drunk) that he didn't notice until it was too late, although according to him she never tried to surface. She was six times Australian over the legal limit and may have passed out. This happened in Darwin, Australia, because the Fates are insensitive jerks.
EDIT TO ADD: Apparently people find it confusing and poorly written. At least 98% of that is my confusing, poorly written style, but re-reading the piece just now, there are abbreviations and addenda that I didn't put in there. So...I know how to spell, is what I'm getting at.
The two lines that appeared this morning are both in the first entry:
"And really, we're with the dead relative how sent a tombstone tumbling onto her with ghost physics"
"Even I can admit that being dead is almost as bad as being a college students, since it lasts even longer."
And even though those are the only two changes I noticed re-reading it, they're also the two biggest typos and before you even get to the second entry.
So everything else that's ugly in there you can pin on me. Part of why I love Cracked. Succeed or fail, it's your vision.
Skate tricks, weird film GIFs, celebrity pratfalls & pretty dames to fall in love with
on 01.23.2012 at 7:37 amPosted In: Blog
If that isn't a "click here" bouquet, I don't know what is. The last of my MTV Clutch articles are up, meaning you get five articles on the joys of the internet, including one that never made it to print.
5 Batman-Worthy Skateboard Trick GIFs -- Includes skate kid vs. car
Weird Out-of-Context TV & Movie GIFs -- Sulu gettin' high every day. MacGyver can make a punch out of a dance move.
Five Funny Pratfall GIFs -- Robbie Williams knows how to improvise.
The Best Sexy Clutch Photos of 2011 -- It was harder to find any in our "sexy photo" round-ups than you'd think.
Click the more tag to read the original articles, and the apocryphal "Please Be Our GIF-Friend: 5 Girls We're Instantly in Love With" and the original versions of each article.
I wrote and 'shopped this for National Lampoon last year and it's finally up.
Copied it below as well.
I Know Who Killed My Career
Few joys on God's earth compare to the delight of seeing a woman naked for the first third any time. When a lady chooses to reveal herself to a man, she gives him a sensual gift that says, "I am doing this for the money."
How terribly cynical, then, to learn that Lindsay Lohan's Playboy spread, which hit stand recently, was intended not to sate the internet's obsession with redheads, but to help cover the legal costs of what I can't be bothered to look up, but confidently assume is something to do with drunk driving. Or maybe just to make a million bucks. Again: I don't have time to check every little central topic of these articles.
The fact is, rather than lift up the flapping sails of a publication that has long since ceased to try, Ms. Lohan could have enlivened several magazines with a co-operative purchase of her posturing skills, and most of them wouldn't have even required nudity, which is always more fun when it's a gratuity and a surprise and in church. Here are some of those magazines.
I haven't formally announced it but for a quiet note on the About page, but I've taken a job at CBS running Man Cave Daily. Today I wrote a piece about why you should lust after Lana Kane, but not as much as brilliant and beautiful Aisha Tyler.
Hooray for my new life! Boo for not having a major site overhaul done yet so I can start promoting the page. But mostly hooray.
There's lots of movie tough guys, but they're either quietly dorks (Schwarzenegger), douchebags (Seagal), or dummies (Norris). Bruce Lee, though...man, that is one cool cat.
Here's the king of all action in my final Maxim Dirty Briefs writeup.
Goodnight, Dirty Briefs. I'll miss you like I miss Bruce Lee.