Five Reasons Valentine’s Day Is a Sham

I wrote a new Cracked column on how even the basics of Valentine’s Day are a myth, just like the love that your ex said they held for you. You will enjoy it–or else I will stop loving you. Here’s your customary apocrypha, self-culled because it was too divergent from the main topic: Here’s the […]

Here lies somebody…maybe three dudes, maybe none.

You really don't want to exercise to the point of traumatic amputation.

10 Insane Diets No One Should Ever Try

Here’s an article I wrote about healthy eating before I start deep frying macaroni & cheese balls with home-cured bacon for the Super Bowl. I invented some insane diets for Cracked, but couldn’t beat reality at its own game. If you’re wondering about this passage: And yes, he’s is a doctor of naturopathic medicine, but since […]


Full version of last year’s Cracked State of the Union

Last year I wrote a State of the Union with some suggestions for real change in America. But did you know there was a fifth entry? It was very vindictive.  Mr. O’Brien, Mr. O’Brien, Emperor Wong, members of Cracked, distinguished readers, spambots, trolls, and easily offended moms here by accident from Facebook– Thank you for […]

The bottom really fell out of the market for gym-based espionage 25 years ago.

Hobo jokes will always be funny.

Pumblechook & Figg Holiday Catalog 2013

Over 183.9 years ago, two merchants shared a dream for Christ-Mass: a gingerbread house so large that all men, whether Christian, Mohammedian, or Juwe, might worship the Christ within it. This mighty structure would unite the hearts of good Englishmen everywhere in the unity of goodwill, that they might stand as one and smash the […]


The Worst Possible Advice for Selling Your Manly Novel

November was NaNoWriMo–no, that’s not a scrapped Blackberry concept phone, but National Novel Writing Month. But did you know that December is NaHoStrugPubYoNoMo (National Hopelessly Struggling to Publish Your Novel Month)? It’s true, and over at Cracked I’ve charted the worst ways to achieve that end with an infographic that does not hold up to scrutiny at […]

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I'm probably going to steal this schematic for Invisible, Inc.

Cracked: The Gettysburg Redress

I said some things about America and how we should all just lighten up. Then I ignored my own advice by making it preachy instead of funny, but it involves shaved bears, so I think everybody got what they came for.   Apocrypha (and plenty of it — redacted because none of it’s worth reading […]


Cracked’s DE-TEXTBOOK is out Tuesday and I’m a contributor

Hey, a new Cracked book is out this week, and I’m part of it again! Because I am the luckiest boy in the world, apparently. You should order it. I’m going to. Like, even though I get a free one, I’m ordering it, because it’s the first time Amazon ever recommended an item to me […]

Pictured: my page, that one sliver right there.

Derping de derp when derp is derping

New Cracked column: What to Expect When Your Ex Is Expecting

I listened to four versions of “Pursuit of Happiness” a sum 219 times to bring you this latest Cracked Column, every one of them drunk and then edited sober, and you are welcome for this unrequested sojourn into my dark country. Here’s your customary apocrypha: The world has been given over to the young. You […]


A Gentleman’s Guide to Football

New this weekend over at Cracked is my account of the history of football and dog-strangling, A Shadow History of American Football. You may recognize it as the most insane explanation of football to ever make the sport more confusing to you. I hope somebody besides me enjoys the oddball lists, because I’m not about […]

Derp is my favorite word the internet has ever invented.

The website’s back because I am awesome 5

Despite the best effort of some creepy webhack robot, the site is now back and all your links should work. Now to rebuild this thing into something more 2013-friendly. Bear with us, please and thank you. Sorry for the wonkiness…redesigning it takes time away from writing.