From the lost “Adventures of Captain Cosmosis”


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“Oh, I’d stay away, Captain,” hissed Malovolovio, his ruby claw caressing the sizzling electro-device. “Unless you want…” A smile passed over his face like a mercury breeze. “Brain cancer.”

“Brain cancer? BRAIN cancer?” yelped Captain Cosmosis eagerly, “HEY! This fellow’s giving out free brain cancer!”

The ensuing stampede trampled Malovolovio to brittle, sodlike pieces. “Wh…” his mashed and puckered lips managed to spurt, ”…why?”

“Look again, Malovolovio! We’re on a planet where backwards is forwards! Left is right! Right is WRONG! It doesn’t take a nuclear thought engine to the sesquitentially-exponential power to realize the reverse is true!”

“Then why did they speak…English…?” These last words, barely discernible, washed out of the cold, copper speakingplate as Malovolovio’s robotic eyes faded to naught but a harsh, red dream.

“HA HA HA!” laughed Captain Cosmosis, who had no obligation to explain such trans-parallel trickeries! He kicked Malovolovio’s head off and stomped his way back to Earth, where the women were pear-shaped and cows weren’t made of gelatinous beer.

Hot DAMN, life was good.

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