Technically, it’s obscenity

In that it may be damaging to children. But here’s the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears, as told by me and my niece. Afterword by my sister.

“So once upon a time there were these three bears. And they were eating porridge, but the first bowl of the Papa Bear’s was too–”
“Right, and the second bowl was too–”
“You’ve got it. So the third bowl, the Baby Bear’s was just…”
“And I’m messing up this tale. So they went for a walk till everyone’s porridge hit the right temperature. But in came wandering this dumb intruder who thought she had the right to do whatever she wanted. Her name was Goldilocks. Goldilocks Hilton. And she came in and tried the porridge, until she got to the right bowl. And then she was verrrry tired–”
“No, she sat in their chairs!”
“You are correct. But the first chair was too–”
“And the Mama Bear’s chair was too–”
“Yes, too medium. So she had to find a chair that was too small. The Baby Bear’s chair, and it was just right/too small. But then she was still tired, so she lay in the big bed, but it was too big, and she had no back support because the springs were too far apart, like in a Serta mattress. So she lay in the next bed, and it was too small. But the third bed, the THIRD bed, which was just about the size of this one…was juuuuuust right. And so she went to sleep, like you should do now–”
“And the bears came in!”
“Right, so the moral of the story is: don’t go to sleep or bears will get you. Goodnight.”

AFTERWORD: “Darn it, Brendan, why do you have to…DESTROY everything?”