CRACKED: The Christmas Sweater

I love Christmas, even though my supposedly centrist views qualify me as an America-hating liberal according to those authoritarian sons of bitches at Fox News. What they don’t know is that Jesus and I are like THIS, and I believe in the power of the family, so I guess when I see Certified Nutjob for Rent Glenn Beck defending the true meaning of Christmas (or that little twerp John Gibson and his fictionalized War on Christmas fabricated in a desperate bid for success and notoriety), I think it akin to Chris Brown defending Rihanna. Oh, girlfriend, I WENT there, and here’s why: You can’t make a sweet thing into ground zero for an artificial culture war that wouldn’t exist if you didn’t keep insisting it does, and then claim you have its best interests at heart.

And speaking of ground zero, have you heard about Beck’s 9/12 project? I was in the Bronx on 9/11. You could actually see the faintest dust at ankle level all the way up there, and hear invisible fighter jets screeching overhead. We did make a lot more eye contact on the street, checking whether each other was handling the stress alright, and nodding silently. While it’s nice to know strangers are concerned for you, that’s not a feeling I need every day, because that means every day of my life would be one day after a horrific act of terrorism. Three thousand people died and another 6000 were injured, and it wasn’t so you could feel great about America.You could feel that on 9/10, even despite having a president more interested in clearing brush than running the country. There’s better national pride to have than clustering together in fear that more terror might befall you.

It’s important to know when watching Glenn Beck you’re watching someone who will say anything for a buck. Someone who invokes the spectre of 9/11 to generate blind nationalism, even though blind -isms are what crashed planes into the buildings anyway. Someone who fights health care reform to bring coverage to tens of millions of uncovered Americans based on lies about costs. If this issue were really about budgets, Beck could save at least $400,000 worth of thalidomide babies from the mythical American Fourth Reich, but then he’d have to actually practice what he preaches and care more about people than money.

Anyway, here’s where I decimate Glenn Beck’s The Christmas Sweater, because I love you. Merry Christmas.