Written in 2002 for my old website, Super-Crazy Action Boy! Yes, I am importing the past for your entertainment in the future. Don’t resent me, so long as you laugh.
Secrets of Scientology…REVEALED!
First secret: other secrets not worth their $12,000 pricetag.
by Brendan and Thirty-Thirty.
The future’s going to laugh at you.
These are the upper secrets of Scientology…normally you pay twelve grand for these so don’t say I never gave you any nice gifts. My source on these is the always-informative Biggest Secrets by William Poundstone. The secrets themselves are a matter of public record in a county court, after a disgruntled former Scientologist sued for his $12,000 back on the basis that the ‘secrets’ were a load of crap. The Church of Scientology tried to have the court transcripts sealed, and even cut a deal with Google to prevent folks from looking up sites that debunk their gospel.
|Poundstone sez it’s the first time a religion has tried to claim copyright on its sacred texts (they failed). Normally y’wanna disseminate that sorta thing, or at least preserve it for the enlightened. Selling revelation to your congregation for the price of a new Honda isn’t the best way to run your cult, by which I mean “religion,” by which I mean “cult.” Brrrr. But if it’s a divinely revealed, universal truth, you can’t copyright it, and if it’s not, then you can’t sell it as one. So you probably shouldn’t be charging anyone in the first place. Brrrr. Please don’t sue me. I’m just a horse.|
The secrets of Scientology–and remember, these are “hidden truths” that depend entirely on the word of the man who wrote Battlefield Earth–are thus:
75 million years ago, Teegeeach was one planet in a federation of ninety, but only if you take “Federation” to mean “Empire ruled by an evil warlord named Xenu” What else would he be named? It’s not a science fiction story without an evil overlord named Zorg or Xom or XX’atuu, and a planet that sounds like it was named by Godzilla. The federation was overpopulated, even though its inhabitants could travel to other galaxies. I know it sounds like a bad plot hole, but every religion needs a few of those, so it actually works.
Now hold yer darn horses! This cowpoke’s an evil warlord, and he has an overpopulation problem? When was the last time you heard of an overpopulated evil dictatorship? Stalin, Hussein and Hitler would never have to worry about this sorta thing ’cause they’d kill a thousand peasants while they got their shoes shined…with blood. (and shoe polish)
But anyway, the galaxy was overpopulated, and Xenu fit ninety planets’ worth of excess people (called Thetans) into 10 of Teegeeach’s volcanoes.
This is quickly careening into a bad episode of Farscape.
Theoretically, I guess you could fit billions of people into 10 volcanoes, since they’d all disintegrate before they even touched the lava, but 75 million years ago, space aliens were made out of uranium or something, because they survived.
And as you’d expect when he went to all that relocation and death pit effort, Xenu was pissed. So pissed that he dropped nuclear weapons on them until they did die. Don’t ask if the radiation levels jump off the charts at this point in Teegeeach’s history; Scientology doesn’t really bother to explain it. Or rather, they do, but I didn’t have $3,000 to find out.
Now you’re saying “Okay, smart guy: how do you know Teegeeach’s radiation levels did or didn’t jump?” Or else you’re answering yourself, saying, “Because we’ve never been to another planet.” But guess what: you’re BOTH wrong, because by the way, Teegeeach is Earth. I bet you didn’t see that one coming, probably because you didn’t spend your childhood staring into the sun.
So now we have 90 planets’ worth of excess population all on Earth, NOT DISINTEGRATING in ten volcaones. Fuck you, I don’t care if these volcanoes are the size of the holes in this story, you can’t fit that many people into them. Not even pixie-sized people. Okay, maybe them.
But the horrible buzzing of their locust-like pleas for help would keep even the most hardened tyrant awake at nights. It’s like hearing the Whos in Whoville sing their Christmas song; your Grinch heart just can’t take that kind of punishment. But you know who can? That’s right: Lee Majors, the Six-Million Dollar Man. Developed in an ultra-secret government laboratory following a horrible accident, Majors developed super bionic speed and strength.
I went looking for the Six-Million Dollar Man to see if he or his robot half could explain the science behind Scientology, or at least endure its insanity long enough to crush it, but he was gone, gone, like a song upon the wind. The only traces of him I could find were a few crumpled comic books in an orthodontist’s office, and a dusty windbreaker with the classique Addidas stripes. Lee Majors was gone…and so were my dreams of a bionic Olympics. Damn you, L. Ron Hubbard!
| Hey, I just got an idea. Maybe the Scientologists could team up with the fundamentalist Christians to explain how ancient nuclear bombs messed up carbon dating so we thought the Earth was old when it wasn’t. Evolution’s a fib, Adam & Eve were real people, and dinosaurs were a joint project by God and the Devil to test our faith! Brrr! Then they could take it on an old-time religion tour, called “Mass con-fusion ’03” and rock out our nation’s capital with a Million Man-Animal March, only to get into a huge fistfight when the Scientologists claim Earth is at least a few dozen million years old and the fundamentalists claim that aliens are Satan’s spies! At the end of the day, President Bush brokers peace by showing both groups what a bunch of easily deceived idiots they are, and everyone gets a free glass of lemonade!|
Right now you’re shaking your head and asking who believes this junk. I don’t want to spread untoward rumors, but your answer might just lie in hunky Tom Cruise, star of Minority Report and Mission Impossible 3: The Quest for Vengeance! Can Tom escape the Devil’s Trap Mine before Kal and the gang find out he’s replaced his own criminal twin brother? You’ll have to wait till this Memorial Day to find out. In the meantime, Scientology ups the ante by grabbing Reason by the balls and dragging it screaming over the state line to a place that called Preposterous.
So at this point in our story, there are are now billions of Thetans in spirit form trapped on Earth. Why are they trapped? Because Xenu froze their souls in alcohol and glycol.
Let me say that again, slowly: FROZE THEIR SOULS IN ALCOHOL AND GLYCOL.
And lest you think this is some space-age recipe, glycol is the main ingredient in antifreeze.* So if you’d like to try mixing antifreeze with some pure grain and dumping it over your head to trap your soul in your body and ensure you never die, please, let me know how it goes. Just remember not to breathe the fumes or you’ll turn into the sort of person who pays twelve grand to hear this crap.
*Again: Poundstone, Bigger Secrets
I hope this doesn’t work, and that whoever tries it accidentally blinds themselves so they have a lot more difficulty earning money to give to the Church of Scientology, but if it does, you could start an awesome collection of your friends souls. You’d wear them as charms around your neck, and their screaming, shriveled little mandrake root souls would go “OOOOHHHHH NOOOOOO! WE ARE SOUSED AND SUGARY!”
Come to think of it…alcohol and antifreeze are both prevalant in moonshine. This whole religion circles around an angry distiller, half a trillion supermen, and the really crappy sci-fi author who wrote Battlefield Earth. If you were lucky enough to have avoided Battlefield Earth, let me some it up for you. A group of aliens called Psychlos (no…really) come to Earth in search of gold. Unfortunately, they kill Billy Crystal in their initial assault, so they have to then wander the Old West with only half of Billy’s treasure map. Along the way, they have a series of hilarious misadventures, in which they learn to laugh, love…and live.
The Psychlos stick around for a few centuries, because you may have noticed gold is rare on Earth. If it were me, I’d just find a whole golden planet, but the Psychlos know that that would be too easy, and that planet’s population probably wouldn’t show them how the human spirit prevails no matter what.
It takes the Psychlos a millennium to learn about the existence of Fort Knox. But we’re not gonna let any damn aliens take our gold, when we can make humanity’s last stand instead! Who will deliver us? One man. And that man is…Johnny Goodboy. It may be hard to tell because I’m so damn funny, but that part’s not a joke. He really is called Johnny Goodboy. And he’s going to lead humanity to die just so we don’t lose our crappy gold. Or maybe not. I stopped paying attention to this movie once I realized it was Battlefield Earth. You can read more about it at Internet Movie Database but only if you like reading reviews that mix the mouthy pretentiousness of internet critics with the in-your-face ignorance of Scientology PR. And lest you think I’m being mean for your benefit, it ends with this: “They can also see for themselves what a largely misunderstood work of true genius `Battlefield Earth’ really is. I know that when I watched the special edition DVD on my home video system I experienced all of the emotions of laughing, cheering, crying, and clapping again, and enjoyed the film from beginning to end. Experience the movie for yourself, and you’ll see what I mean.”
And if you’re not impressed with the Church of Scientology’s insanity, be impressed by their pull: there are plans for a Battlefield Earth TV show that will couple the stupidity of big-budget action movies with the crappiness of UPN sci-fi special effects.
|Brrrr. It’s easy to call Scientology a cult, but remember, a cult is just a religion that hasn’t been widely accepted. That’s why it’s easy to call Scientology a cult, because with beliefs like these, it ain’t never gonna be widely accepted. And remember, I’m a magic, cyborg, space horse. When I say something’s a goll durn stupid idea, that’s coming from a cartoon character who eats hay and drinks motor oil. I know when I don’t have the right to criticize. |
The Thetans were preserved for 36 days, during which time Xenu inserted bad personality traits into them (did I mention their spirits grouped into “clusters”? It’s not important for any reason, but it’s a tasty word: clusters clusters clusters!) and of course the first thing they wanted to do when they got out was possess humans and make them do bad things. It was 75 million years ago, though, so I dunno, maybe they practiced on dinosaurs, only the dinosaurs had such small brains the Thetans freaked out and caused the great extinction. Or maybe Xenu sent a comet to kill those damn thunder-lizards because that’s the sort of thing that crazy warlord bastard would do.
Maybe accepting the highest secrets of Scientology is a self-defense mechanism. You build yourself up for years, you dunk thousands of dollars into this belief that you can assume control of the mortal coil, and suddenly the great revelation comes to you….and your brain just can’t wrap around all the resources you’ve wasted, so you enter a state of willful acceptance.
Thetans make you sick, because there are many of them and only one of you, and no matter how positive you are, they hate you because you were never burned in lava and nuked and anti-possessed in a jar of moonshine by an evil king who altered your soul’s personality.
|Holy shit, holy fucking shit, holy shit that is so fucking stupid my fucking brain is swelling with salt water. FUCK.|
This religion’s basic principle seems to be that if you get somebody drunk, they’ll turn evil. But if you ask somebody who’s drunk, they’ll only say they’re sexy. Does sexy = evil? To find out, we turned to Exalted Wizard Jerry Falwell, self-appointed member of the elect, prince among men and fat boil on the face of humanity.
Thank you, Jerry!
The plus side of being possessed by a medium-sized country is that nothing you do is your fault. Ever. It’s them. Your only job is to exorcise them. Obviously it doesn’t work. If it did, Scientologists would be the healthiest, most likeable people of all, instead of a bunch of pushy blue-shirts. There’d be no Mission Impossible, no Broken Arrow, and no Face Off, because hard-core Scientologists Tom Cruise and John Travolta would have known better. Of course, the problem with accepting this kind of stupidity is if you’re really following it your first responsibility is to reject it.
To put it another way, when parents protest Jackass for polluting kids’ minds, they’re right. Not about how it should be canceled or how it made their kids stab themselves in abdomen, just about how you’re probably a little bit dumber for having watched it. So if you really are on the lookout for anything that’s messing with your head, start with the people who just charged you 12,000 dollars for a sci-fi story I wrote in seventh grade. The only difference is mine was free, came with cool illustrations, and had laser-jets in it.
|Brrrr. If preserving a fella in alcohol freezes his soul to your control forever, does that mean the biology labs of America are filled with jars of the souls of pickled puppies? Suddenly my high school life science credit seems really trite, especially since I don’t remember half of what they taught me. If I’d known hickory-cured kittens were suffering for me to learn where the kidneys are located, I’d’a paid more attention, but only to the blouse of the girl who was my lab partner. Even though I’m a horsie-robot and she was a cheerleader, our forbidden love could have blossomed. Somehow…some…some way.|
I am so damn lonely.
When you die or push them out, the Thetans go bother someone else. Which means Scientology’s kind of a selfish religion. If you figure there are minimum, 270 billion Thetans, (assuming that 9 billion people constitutes an overpopulated planet, with a 3 billion person shave-off per planet), and 6 billion human beings on Earth/Teegeeach, that’s 45 Thetans whispering in your ear to do evil things like buy a Yanni CD, use public transportation, and think for your damn self.
For every person who cleanses himself, another 45 people have a new voice in their head telling them to kill or buy cheese in a can, or whatever the Thetans’ sinister plot is.
And there are a lot of Scientologists. So if even one-sixth of the Earth’s population were to reach a purified state, that’s an extra nine voices in our heads for the rest of us. And if it gets really progressive, and most of the population advances, and there are only 1 million people on Earth still vulnerable to these guys, each of them has to deal with 270,000 screaming demons in his or her head. It’ll probably never make it past that. I get the idea that having the population of Boston in your brain screaming at you to do bad things will either lead you to put a gun in your mouth, or someone else’s, and the Thetans, like any of us, like a spacious apartment. Plus politicians have to be more prone to evil voices than the rest of us because you have to be corrupt to get ahead in politics, so the Thetans will probably just infest the world’s leaders, telling them to nuke us all then retreat to their bunkers.
But the people I feel sorry for are the first band of humans. Can you imagine trying to spear dinner and find someplace warm to sleep with 10 billion alien demons telling you to fuck your sister and kill your brother? That means things ought to be getting better for us all with every new person born in the world. Suddenly this all sounds like a plan for overpopulation.
But I’m sure before that happens, our own evil tyrant, George W. Bush, will throw us in a volcano. He can’t hurt me, though; I’ve got a still set up in my backyard and I’m ready to capture my soul.
|Brrrr. We had a lot of fun today, and learned that we have to accept everyone, even if their differences are inarguably stupid. Because if we don’t, they’ll sue us. Man, they’ll sue the shit out of us.|
But you know, we also saw how Tommy and Johnny let other people decide for them what to think, rather than using their own noggins. Bravestarr has the powers of many animals, but the best gift Shaman gave him wasn’t eyes of the hawk or ears of the wolf, but his own brain. It’s when we’re looking out for ourselves and our friends that we’re the true heroes. Don’t let anyone tell you they’ve infused bad personality traits into your disembodied soul; it’s just not true. No one can make you do anything you don’t want to.