Back when I had a bad microphone and an appreciation of how the ’40s brought out the best and the worst in humanity at the same time, I recorded the WORR broadcast.
Proudly transcribing the latest photoreels from the front
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Full transcript is something like:
Full Transcript: WORR – the World News Network proudly presents the photo-reels of the latest disasters from the front lines. 3 million dead in failed Allied invasion of Brussels; logic behind the attack still unclear. A complete list of the dead and their last words may be heard Sunday night at 7 on WORR radio.
German dictator Adolf Hitler broke a six-month silence today with a radio broadcast to his people. During the 5-minute speech, the funny little man evoked the German people to remain steadfast in the face of crippling adversity. Hitler also announced that German troops would no longer be engaging Russian troops. Portions of the speech, which were mailed to top British officers in big yellow envelopes with taunting messages written on them, were returned unopened.
Prime Minister Churchill had this to say: “The ah….Hun…has….throughout history…proven himself to be a LIAR! And so, we, the good British people, under the blessing of his Majesty, the crown, the Lord God, who is an Anglican god, and a fish merchant named Alistair, have decided this day to bomb Jerry with nuclear missiles, which we do not actually have.” The prime minister concluded his speech by tearing at a leg of roast lamb with his teeth and passing out in an absinthe stupor. President Truman offered no comment other than a jaunty chuckle at the pugnacious Churchill’s expense.
Meanwhile, Stalin responded to the news with this to say: BLAH LBAH GOROVKINIY STUP KLCALKLHGVASH The Russian leader then slaughtered 7 million of his people and danced on their corpses to a merry Gypsy tune before having the Gypsies killed as well.
Marines advance 12 feet in the South Pacific after bringing an end to staggering Japanese resistance in the form a machine gunner’s nest and three foot soldiers. Two platoons were lost taking in the dozen or so Jap soldiers, who fought with teeth and fingernails after running out of ammunition. Burl Ives commented on the bloody battle by advising his fellow americans to “slap a dirty little jap” and indicated that he would do the same. A hearty Thank you to Burl from all true Americans.
And now for the world in sports.
The World Series begins tomorrow, despite over 70 percent of the National League being cut down by machinegun fire at the hands of Hitler’s despicable Nazi stormtroopers. Red Sox hero Ted Williams has announced that he will bat for both teams in between South Pacific air battles. It was not made clear whether Williams’ presence in the batting lineup would delay the innings.
Football continues to kill more Americans than Nazis and Japanese combined, at least until we develop padding, and before God, that is the way we would have it. No other news there.
Jesse Owens and Paul Robeson, two of the new breed of Negro athlete, continue to shatter the soft and paltry accomplishments of privileged white men everywhere. More importantly, Mickey Mantle and Babe Ruth announced a drinking contest at The Thirsty Cracker the 14th of March. The two home-run heroes will consume five beers each, then attempt to hit baseballs into the open window of a sick little boy’s hospital room, taking another drink after each failed attempt.
And now for the world news at home:
Cowboy actors John Wayne and Ronald Reagan are still, as of press time, staying at home enjoying cushy Hollywood careers. Sources close to both actors say neither one has engaged any Nazis not portrayed by supporting actors in a film in the last three months.
Lovable starlet Marilyn Monroe…still does not exist. However, Norma Jean Nobody, a doe-eyed housewife toiling in a munitions factory, has begun taking the first of several glamour shots that will eventually win over all our hearts, most especially those of the Kennedys. Thank you, Marilyn, and thank YOU, America. Good night, and enjoy the film! This has been a WORR broadcast. Buy war bonds, and remember to smoke White Owl cigars. Your boys abroad are counting on you to do so.