Nigeria needs your bank account.


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It was plainly time to quit S.C.A.B. when I found myself at the bottom of this monster post.

TITLEBAR

One, a high-tech internet agency dedicated to a never-ending, really futile battle stamping out stupidity. The other, a third-rate, imitative con man. Only can win. The other will probably go to jail. Bet on the boy. The super-crazy action boy.

ROUND ONEThe opening salvo

It all began one Friday morning when I opened my mailbox to see junk mail. Lots and lots of junk mail. But this junk mail was a little different. This one called me by last name. He must have gotten my full name from the web or my AOL profile, but either way, it wasn’t typical junk mail expecting you to fall for ”Hi u don’t remember me but we talked for 3 hours anyways here is my nude pix. No, this was personal junk mail, which meant however
stupid it sounded, it assumed I was even stupider. And that’s exactly the kind
of stupidity Super-Crazy Action Boy exists to fight. The battle was on.


Subj: Confidential
Date: 9/27/2002 9:14:17 AM Eastern Daylight Time
From: lmuhdaniels@37.com
To:     lmuhdaniels@37.com

ATTN:Mcginley

I AM LMUH DANIELS, A SENATOR A TOP MEMBER OF A CONTRACT REVIEW COMMITTE I HAVE
PERSONALLY CHOOSING YOU  FOR A CONTRACT IN MY COUNTRY.I NEED  SOMEONE
WHO WILL STAND FOR ME AS A CONTRACTOR FOR ME. I PERSONALLY WILL FORWARD ALL
PRISTINE DOCUMENTS, I WILL MAKE YOU A CONTRACTOR IN MY COUNTRY WHICH IS GOING
TO BE MY FOOLS PLAN AFTER MAKING YOU A CONTRACTOR YOUR FILE WILL BE WITH ME
BOTH THE PRISTINE DOCUMENTS BUT FISRT THE CONTRACT WILL BE ISSUD TO YOU IN THE
NAME OF TRUST BUT, I HAVE A PERSONAL PROBLEM WHICH I CAN NOT SOLVE WITHOUT A
FOREIGN ASSISTANCE.

>>>

>>>I HAVE US$30 MILLION WHICH I WANT TO TRANSFER INTO A FOREIGN
ACCOUNT, FOR ASSITING ME, YOUR SHARE WILL BE 35% OF THE TOTAL SUM. DON’T WORRY
ABOUT ANY THING AFTER THE CONTRACT HAVE BEEN SIGNED AND THE JOB DONE I WILL
PERSONALLY WITHDRAWL ALL PRISTINE DOCUMENT IT WILL BE WITH ME YOUR COMPANY WILL
NOT BE IN ANY DESUTORY. I KNOW I CAN TRUST YOUR COMPANY OUR DISCUSSION SHOULD
BE IN RETICENT. YOU FACE NO RISK MY FOOLS PLANE WILL ESCHEW ANY PROBLEM.

>>>

>>>

>>>ON ACCEPTANCE OF THIS LETTER, WHICH I BELIEVE THAT,  YOU WILL
GIVE ME

>>>A  POSITIVE ANSWER, CONTACT ME THROUGH MY EMAIL ADDRESS

>>>FOR FURTHER DIRECTIVE  ON THIS MATTER.

>>>

>>>I WILL BE MEETING YOU SOON.

>>>FROM: SENATOR.LMUH DANIELS

My first tip to you is to learn the language in which you’re attempting to swindle somebody. I dunno…I just have this idea that if
you’re going to trick people for a living you should be something like intelligent. I realize English probably isn’t this guy’s first language and he
did set himself up to look legitimate with the phone number and all and offering to visit, but I didn’t fall for this when I was 17; I’m not going to
fall for it now. I know not everybody realizes those numbers are forwarded to different locations, but there’s no excuse for not getting suspicious when a stranger asks you to handle large sums of money in his “fools plan”. That’s not common sense; that’s survival instincts, and anybody who doesn’t have it not only puts their hands in open flames, they keep them there until they thoughtlessly wander off a cliff and land on a man-eating tiger.

But English is a tough language, so I’m willing to overlook that part, especially since he is posing as a foreign national. But the first item on your con man action agenda might be to take all those Forward karats (>) out of your email if you want people to believe you’re composing an original plea for help. Without any details to it, including what country you come from, why you need to transfer more money than
some countries even have, and how you intend to do so. But then again if you expect people to believe you want to transfer 35 million dollars to a stranger picked randomly on the internet I guess you’re not expecting them to ask those kinds of hard-hitting, easily discernible questions.

Or it’s possible he’s smarter than I give him credit for and he’s acting dumb to make his suckers feel smart. Or at least, that’s the tactic I was employing in my reply.


ROUND TWOReturn fire

So Lmuh Daniels was dumb, but I’m smart in ways that make dumb look absolutely brilliant. And I let him know that in my reply.

Subj: Re: Confidential
Date: 9/27/2002 11:22:33 AM Eastern Daylight Time
From: Brendan
To:     lmuhdaniels@37.com

Yes
I am interested in making money 35 percent of 30 million dollars what is that
35,000 dollars oh my god that is so much money I cant believe I am going to be
rich lol < :c)~

pls
tell me what I have to do to make this money thank you soooooo much!

Brendan

-ps.
THANX AGAIN!

-pss
What country r u senator in?

I had to wait a couple days, but soon enough, the response came back…


ROUND THREEEscalating warfare

But obviously I had underestimated him by overestimating him. His next missive was even dumber and more transparent. I was going to have to get moronic…


Subj: Confidential
Date: 9/29/2002 2:45:15 PM Eastern Daylight Time
From: lmuhdaniels@37.com
To:   Brendan 

Dear Brendan,

Specically i don’t do business with someone i don’t know but in this case i
need to make some new friends because of the nature of this deal.

I must first of all request your 100% support and trust in this deal as it also
concerns my person and intergrity. I would give you the full details hen i get
your response as i have put in place modalities by which you and i can
effectively conclude this deal.

My direct telephone number for your perusal i: 234-1-4706890, i would be
dealing directly with you and as soon as i get your support we would get to
know how we can secure the necessary paper work and also get the approvals for
the release of the funds.

I would require the following from you to secure this deal:

1. Your private telephone and fax numbers for easy communication.

2. Your banking cordinates for onward transfer when we have secured the
necessary approvals.

3. Your mailing address.

I would appreciate if we can discuss on phone, trust me with my influence in my
country we would go far and possibly you may even visit me here and use your
influence as a foriegner to apply for big contracts which i wuld ensure we get.

I await your response.

Senator. Imuh Daniels

Yeah, sure. I don’t know of too many countries where being a foreigner is a big asset to getting contracts, especially an American.
Oh sure, the American dollar is respected, but we’re talking about Cashcowzakhstan, a nation that can afford to mail eight-figure sums to people chosen randomly on the internet, and trusts them to give it all back. So all we’re left with is a nation of rich people with low intelligence, who as history has shown repeatedly, are the first people to bitch about foreigners entering their nation and taking away jobs and opportunities. Obviously Lmuh Daniels (aka Babs Tunde, according to the internet header information) was
playing to my ignorance with his own, but I could show him a thing or two about ignorance.


ROUND FOURTotal brain cell carnage

Absolutely no intelligence was spared in my vicious onslaught of words. This was it. Babs Tunde was going to feel the effects of this
one. This was blitzkrieg, this was luftwaft, this was lots of other German words, at least one of which was jaeger, or jäger, if you prefer umlauts. Cripes, I love the German language.

Subj: Re: CONFIDENTIAL
Date: 9/30/2002 1:18:07 PM Eastern Daylight Time
From: Brendan
To: lmuhdaniels@37.com

Specically i don’t do business with someone i don’t know but in this case i need to make some new friends because of the nature of this deal.


Okay but what is the nature of this deal that you mean I need to know what youre talking about when u say the nature of this deal, i
don’t want to be involved in drug or gun smuggling if in fact this is what this or anything illegal! So if this is all legal than thats ok but if you want me to do anything bad i cant do that ok?

I must first of all request your 100% support

yes u have it!!!

and trust in this deal as it also concerns my person and
intergrity. I would give you the full details hen i get your response as i have
put in place modalities by which you and i can effectively conclude this deal.

lol what r modalities? you talk so funny sometimes business partner

My direct telephone number for your perusal i:
234-1-4706890,

i tried to call and it did not work!! pls tell me what im doing wrong because I dont want to screw up
this deal maybe its not in the US because in the US you have to dial 1 to call a nubmer but to call one outside i don’t know what youre suposed to dial. Also did you know perusal means to browse something and that is not how u used it? Like I say sometimes you talk so dayang crazy but its ok because ur my partner so its all good.

anyway so here is the thing with calling. I used my calling card beacuse so many numbers makes it long
distance and it didnt work b/c its a payphone I think?? I dont know so we have a problem there

i would be dealing directly with you and as soon as i get your support we would get to know how we can secure the necessary paper work and also get the approvals for the release of the funds. I would require the following from you to secure this deal:

1. Your private telephone and fax numbers for easy
communication.

sorry but i dont have a fax or a phone i use my aol thru my friends account it is his account he made me a name.
So when I come over i check my mail or sometimes at the library. i hope this is not a problem for you and you still want to do business and trust me because I understand not having a phone number makes me suspicious. I cant get jobs because I dont have a phone. Sometimes i cry.

2. Your banking cordinates for onward transfer when we have secured the necessary approvals.

Corodineates? lol! youu mean like where my banks located? too silly

3. Your mailing address.

ok again this may be a problem cause I dont have one but dont think I am homeless BECAUSE I AM NOT. I live out of a trailer which is
kind of a house that you attach to your car, so I have a place to live. its my mom’s and she doesnt like me using her address because I am 28 and dont have a job (as i said) and she gets pissed. anyway the reason I am telling u all this is because that is why i dont have a phone or fax or computer or anything. because u can’t plug those into a trailer. PLS dont be mad or anything PLEEEEEZE!

I would appreciate if we can discuss on phone, trust me with my influence in my country we would go far and possibly you may even visit me here and use your influence as a foriegner to apply for big contracts which i wuld ensure we get.

I could use some contracts youre right because i’m a trained bricklayer. What this means is (listen carefully) my father taught me, he was in a union which is what we have in AMerica but probably not your country because foregin countries tend to abuse workers
but this is ok and i’ll get to that in a minute. Ok so my dad: he trained me when I was very little, about 14 or so, to be a bricklayer by trade. So I can do that. But if I come in as a contract to make buildings or hwatever in ur country I would be the foremen, which is the guy who makes plans and tells people what to do. This is what i mean by its ok if the workers get paid 2 dollars a week and we’re alowed to beat them. It wont be me.

I await your response.

Senator. Imuh Daniels

ok now im
awaiting yours

Brendan

And that’s it so far. I’m sure I’ll get a response eventually, and I’ll string him along with another idiotic response and so on for
a few weeks, until I give him so many false bank numbers he gets arrested. Or maybe I’ll just report him to the police. The SCAB in me says to do the former, but the longer he goes on running this scam the more elderly folks he cheats…it’s a dilemma. SCAB’s two main purposes are to make fun of people like this con guy and to make fun of his victims, and I’m not sure where my judgment
should fall on this one. Part of me says take the money away from the stupid people so they don’t give it to a worse cause, like the KKK or the committee to re-elect the president, but another part says he’s taking retirement funds from confused old biddies, and that’s kinda wrong.

Fortunately I was able to resolve this whole issue by reheating some pork roast and downing it with sasparilla. Life is sweet and so
is my dinner.


ROUND FIVE Battle on two fronts

So I never heard back from Lmuh Daniels, but not long after, came another, dumber mail, and I met this one in kind. The weird part is
this one actually DID claim to be from Nigeria, as I ascribed to Senator Lmuh up there in the first version of this page. Then again, every time I get one of these things, it claims to be from Nigeria or Zaire, so I guess the first one was an oversight on Tunde’s part.

Subj:
Date: 10/14/2002 8:18:13 AM Eastern Daylight Time
From: johnadu1@eircom.net
Reply-to: joadu2001@hkem.com
To: johnadu1@eircom.net

(note: 1400 other email addresses deleted from the body of this email. The jerk was lucky anybody even scrolled down far enough to read his pitch)

FROM THE DESK OF: MR. JONATHAN (JOHN) AUDU

Dear Sir,

I am MR. JONATHAN (JOHN) AUDU, Bank Manager of Union Bank of Nigeria, Lagos
Branch.I have an urgent and very onfidential business proposition for you.

On December 8, 1998, an American Oil consultant/contractor with the Nigerian
National Petroleum Corporation, Mrs.Ann Barbara Myers made a numbered time
(Fixed) Deposit for twelve calendar months, valued at
US$25,000,000.00(Twenty-five Million Dollars) in my branch.Upon maturity, I
sent a routine notification to her forwarding address but got no reply.After a
month,we sent a reminder and finally we discovered from her contract employers,
the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation that Mrs.Ann Barbara Myers died
from a ghastly automobile accident.On further investigation, I found out that
she died without making a WILL, and all attempts to trace his next of kin was
fruitless.

I therefore made further investigation and discovered that Mrs.Ann Barbara
Myers did not declare any next of kin or relations in all her official
documents, including her Bank Deposit paperwork in my Bank. This sum of
US$25,000,000.00 is still sitting in my Bank and the interest is being rolled
over with the principal sum at the end of each year.No one will ever come
forward to claim it.According to Nigerian Law, at the expiration of 5 (five)
years, the money will revert to the ownership of the Nigerian Government if
nobody applies to claim this fund.

Consequently, my proposal is that I will like you as a foriegner to stand in as
the next of kin to Mrs.Ann Barbara Myers so that the fruits of this woman’s
labor will not get into the hands of some corrupt government officials.This is
simple, I will like you to provide immediately your full names and address so
that the Attorney will prepare the necessary documents and affidavits which
will put you

in place as the next of kin. We shall employ the services of two Attorneys for
drafting and notarization of the WILL and to obtain the necessary documents and
letter of probate/administration in your favor for the transfer.

We would need you as a Foreigner acting as the next of kin and sole benefactor
to the inheritance of Mrs.Ann Barbara Myers to travel and claim this money in a
SECURITY COMPANY based in Europe which is used by my bank as an offshore
payment center to the bank.The money will be paid to you for us to share in the
ratio of 60% for me and 40% for you. There is no risk at all as all the
paperwork for this transaction will be done by the Attorney and my position as
the Branch Manager guarantees the successful execution of this transaction.

If you are interested, please reply immediately via the private email address
below. Upon your response, I shall then provide you with more details and
relevant documents that will help you understand the transaction.

Please observe utmost confidentiality, and rest assured that this transaction
would be most profitable for both of us because I shall require your assistance
to invest my share in your country.

Awaiting your urgent reply via my email:

Thanks and regards.

MR. JONATHAN (JOHN) AUDU


I kinda like how he adds an H to his nickname just to retain some authority. Abbreviated, but not too much. That makes me want to
give him my bank account numbers. And the inclusion of the phrase “ghastly automobile accident” gets points and then some bonus points for the unnecessary detail factor. Also, his plan to overtly steal 25 million dollars is pretty cool to begin with, but it gets better when he claims he’s doing it to keep it out of the hands of “corrupt government officials.” Managing a Nigerian bank might not make you a government official, but stealing 25 large from it probably makes you corrupt. Either way, it smacked of hypocrisy AND the assumption that I was stupid, and I couldn’t tolerate that. War had begun again.


ROUND SIX Friendly fire

So of course I had to take the gullibility even higher…

Subj: Re:
Date: 10/14/2002 4:42:30 PM Eastern Daylight Time
From: Brendan
To: joadu2001@hkem.com

Oh my gosh yes this is amazing I would love to have this money but is it legal??? That is my question. I understand if u cant answer me
their are bound to be problems but PLEEZ get back 2 me rihgt away if you can!!! I will not tell anyone! I hope I have replied before those other people on the mailing list but if I did not maybe ew could split it in different acounts (u know, so people don’t get suspicious because my god that is a lot of $$$)

Here is my address if you need it (u said u did):

Davis Hollingsworth
720 Oakridge Lane
Sherbetville, NY 11321
USA

And before you tell me that was over the top, I’d like to show you some posts I read on AOL today in which people attempt to share their
personal ghost stories. At least I used capitalization and punctuation:

From MANUEL PEREZ VEG

on Tuesday October 22, 2002 at 10:37 PM:

THE STORY OF THE
CUTTER SOME HAD CUT SCHOLL OR CLASS THEN HE CHOP HIS ARM IN THE STRAI WAYS
THEN I HEARD EACH TIME U CUT U CA SEE HIM CRYING FOR HELP

From BRENZ

on Tuesday October 22, 2002 at 7:37 PM:

ONE TIME I HEARD THIS GUY HAD DIED AND SO U COULD SEE HIS GRAVE STONE EVERY TIME
U PASSED BY THE GRAVEYARD ISNT THAT BAZAAR? P.S. – don’t be a damn idiot.
This sounds like a modern fairy tale to keep kids in school.

From MANUEL PEREZ VEG

on Tuesday October 22, 2002 at 10:27 PM:

IS 61 3 KILLED AND
THEY SAID THAT 1 BOY GOT HIT IN THE HEAD IN THE SNOW OUTSIDE HE DIE AND U CA
SEE HIS GHOST ON THE WINTER IN THE BACK YARD

From BRENZ

on Tuesday October 22, 2002 at 7:37 PM:

What? What kind of ee cummings pan-dimensional spirit talk is
this? That’s your kids playing pranks on you; they’re called snow angels.

From JMNY718

on Tuesday October 22, 2002 at 10:21 PM:

ONE NIGHT MY DAD CAME
HOME FROM WORK AT 7 30 PM AND HE SAW A SHADOW OF A LADY AND WHEN I WAS HALF
WAY ASLEEP I HEARD A MAN LAUGHING IN FRON OF MY BEDROOM DOOR AN ANOTHER NIGHT
MY BROTHER WENT INTO MY ROOM AND SUDDENELY MY MIRRO BROKE FOR NO REASON I
THINK MY ROOM IS THE MOST HAUNTED

From BRENZ

on Tuesday October 22, 2002 at 7:37 PM:

That was one hell of an eventful day and my apologies to
whoever had to change your sheets the next morning. But at what point in that
story did your dad slip rufies into your drink and prance around your room in
clogs and a codpiece? Because that’s the only thing I can think of that would
explain how your brain got so damned loopy and unintelligible in one sitting.

From XtcSHoRtY03

on Tuesday October 22, 2002 at 09:44 PM:

I have lived in my
new house for 3years now. But i guess weird things always follow me since i
was very young. One night this year, i went to the bathroom since i have this
sleeping disorder. And i went washed my face and then took a look in the
mirror. All of a sudden i see my sister in the mirrors reflection.. i look
back and she isn’t there. Whats even worse about that is that about two weeks
later her other friend woke up one night and saw my sister standing by his
bed.. he described her as if she had an anger face that wanted to harm him..
which was the same way i saw her in my bathroom.. he called out after her but
she didnt respond. then he stood under the covers till she disappeared.. mayb
someone has stolen my sisters identity, my sister has black eyes n black long
hair.. shes 5’1″, and weights about 100lbs.. she is extremely pretty but
has a evil face.. anyone one else seen her??

From BRENZ

on Tuesday October 22, 2002 at 7:37 PM:

No, nobody has seen your sister. And if I ever do, I’m going
to do my best to avoid you both. Because whatever it takes to be awarded the
Hot But Evil Ominous Presence award by a raving lunatic to the degree of
yourself is beyond my imagination, but it has to be at least ten times as
messed up as signing onto the world’s largest ISP and asking ten million
strangers if they’ve seen your sister’s ghost, who’s apparently dead, fits
the description of every woman not descended from Vikings, and located practically
anywhere on Earth. AND tell them
about your enuresis. So your sister must either be part of Hell’s special
forces commando advance unit, or you’re just a damn psycho.

Maybe your friend standing under the covers looked enough like
a ghost to scare her away, but if he didn’t, just show her this post and
she’ll probably have the good sense to leave you alone, wacko.

From Hen340T

on Tuesday October 22, 2002 at 09:10 PM:

I HEARD THAT DEWEY IN
BROOKLYN IT HEARD I LOTS OF STORIES ABOUT IT.LIKE MY FRIEND HEARD OF IT AND
CLIAMED OF SEEING A WOMAN 1 SAID SHE WAS HALF COOKED WITH BLOODY KNIVES.MY
OTHER FRIEND SAID IT WAS A WOMAN BLEEDING. HE SAID HE WENT THERE 3 YEARS
AGO.HE SAW HER.LATER…SHE WAS GONE

From BRENZ

on Tuesday October 22, 2002 at 7:37 PM:

I couldn’t possibly respond to this without first bashing my
head against a brick wall for a few hours. It wouldn’t be a fair debate. This
can’t be how you talk at home. “HEY MOM HOME FROM SCHOLL AND WHEN I WAS THEIR
MY FRIEND SAID TEACHER WAS ENGLISH BUT SHE WAS CHEMISRY AND NO….HOME I AM WE
TOOK A TEST.”

From Xstar92X

on Tuesday October 22, 2002 at 08:34 PM:

ON SCHOOL FLAGS 98 IN
THE BRONX ALONG TIME AGO THERE WAS A POOL IN THE SCHOOL BUILDING WELL A BOT
CAME INTO THE POOL PEOPLE SAY HE WAS A DORK SO ONE OF THE COOL KIDS CAME TO
HIM AND SAID WANT TO BE MY FRIEND THE BOY SAYED YES SO THEY WENT AND THE COOL
KID SAYED WANT TO PLAY AND THEN THE BOY SAYED YES SO THE COOL KID WAS
DROWNING THE BOY AND THEN THE BOY DID AND THEY HAD TO CLOSE IT UP PEOLE AY HE
IS WONDERING IN THST SCHOOL BUT THAT SCHOOL IS STILL OPENED LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING THAT IS A JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL AND ANOTHER THING I AM INTHAT SCHHOL
AND BE WARE

From BRENZ

on Tuesday October 22, 2002 at 7:37 PM:

And now for some straight talk on drowning from Panda Cool,
King of the Pool.

HEY KIDS PANDA COOL HERE. YOU KNOW POOLS ARE FUN AND EVERYBODY CAN
ENJOY OR PEE IN THEM, BUT ONE THING THAT ISN’T RAD AND THAT’S DROWNING UNCOOL
KIDS. DON’T BE A FOOL! PROTECT YOUR POOL!

This one has to be a fraud, because nobody with a thought process
this deteriorated would be able to write a whole paragraph by junior high.
They’d be well into high school before they SAYED something as coherent as
this on the keyboard.

From Spirit105

on Tuesday October 22, 2002 at 08:05 PM:

Life for me has
accured strangly this past year.It mainly started when I saw the movie
sighns, I was frightened by the things I saw in that in movie. After that I
began having dreams of aliens in what they would look like.Thoughs spreaded
through my head were they really out thiere are was it it just the imagition
of humans wanting to find out something of the supernatureal, something
unreal.Days past and I still had these awful dreams, at one night I dreamed
that one night I was preparing to go to sleep when exacally when I closed the
lights I saw something passe by. I didn’t get a full view of it, so I quickly
open the light there was nothing there. I quickly thought I was losing my
head when I began hearing sound in the ceiling, I looked up and some sort of
blue substances was falling on my head. I didn’t get a chance to process all
of this, it happened to quickly. I felt what was on my head then immediatly
after that something jump…..

From BRENZ

on Tuesday October 22, 2002 at 7:37 PM:

Dreams of aliens in what they would look li….wha–? You’d
better be kidding. Nobody’s a bigger M. Night Shyamalan fan than I am, except
for all those people who are, but either way, I’m the only person on Earth
who not only enjoyed Unbreakable, but thought it was the best movie
I’d seen that year. So don’t think I’m saying it lightly when I call you a
nutcase for taking inspiration from Signs.

I mean yeah, it was supposed to be an inspiring movie as well
as a spooky one, but I don’t think anywhere in there did it claim aliens were
going to buzz your house and rub cue chalk on your skull.

In London there’s a public square where anybody can get up and
say what they want; nobody can stop them. It’s kind of like America but only
in one spot, and it seems like a good idea, until you realize for every
Galileo, there’re ten thousand Spirit105s.

From DKr6487708

on Tuesday October 22, 2002 at 07:04 PM:

me and my friends think
our school is haunted because in the girls bathroom there’s threats. One time
we saw a sentence saying”where going to kill you the and now!!!”

From BRENZ

on Tuesday October 22, 2002 at 7:37 PM:

Bully for you. One time I saw a sentence that said “Craig sux
cok” with a vague drawing of a penis. After that, I knew there were not only
ghosts, but one of them definitely sucked cock. Oh, and Brad and Tameesha
4-eva so fuck all u hataz.

From C82287

on Tuesday October 22, 2002 at 06:28 PM:

well one night I was
sleeping at my house with my lil nephew eric who’s 1. well 4:00 am i woke up
from a sudden weird feeling and noise. I looked up and saw a young boy, he
had a hood but i couldnt see his face! He was a young boy about 17 yrs of age
(i had a feeling) I mean i seen ghosts be4. but he was just staring so i was
scared i held tight to my nephew. he didnt do nothing so he left around 6:00
am. P.s. i would never ask a ghost if their a good ghost bad! Then a week
later i with my friends at the park in n.j i passed the slide and saw him
again! He was laying there i told my friends look and he dissapeared!

From BRENZ

on Tuesday October 22, 2002 at 7:37 PM:

Uh huh. I think
the following words of wisdom may help put your predicament in perspective.

“Glitter excitement fashion and fame: JEM! Jem is her name!”

So you can see how your problems are insignificant in light of
the problems Jem has to deal with. By the way: you’ve seen ghosts before and
the one just staring at you was scary? Did the others bring housewarming
gifts, or did they just wave congenially? Not that I want to hear it; I have
to go fold my socks.

From SwEeT PuFaNgeL

on Tuesday October 22, 2002 at 05:51 PM:

one time i was
sitting at my ex boyfriend’s house and we were watching a ghost show on ABC.
I told his sister that i didn’t believe in ghosts and she said not to say that
because the house was haunted.. i kept telling her over and over that i didnt
believe in ghost and then out of nowhere the power went off for like two
minutes..it was the strangest thing ever…Just for the record i belive in
ghosts now

From BRENZ

on Tuesday October 22, 2002 at 7:37 PM:

So after several minutes of repeating your disbelief, the
power went out? Wow, that’s creepy. And just imagine if it had happened the
first dozen times you’d said it.

You’re wrong, by the way. The strangest thing ever was the
time I threw the remote control and it landed straight up on its bottom edge.
I got you rocked.

If anything, I’m under-emphasizing. Apparently logging onto the internet disables the part of your brain that remembers how to communicate, and then just to make sure, whacks its corpse with a shovel a few times and makes it perform in a humiliating puppet show. The kind where all the puppets are nude and the puppeteer chooses one audience member as his ‘special helper’. That has to be it, because if computers aren’t doing that to everyone’s brain, then a tribe of lost cavemen somehow wandered out of their huts and into someone’s house, figured out their password, and logged into AOL Spook-Tacular Stories. And that’s a little too messed up even for this website to handle.


ROUND SEVEN Custer’s last email

This was the response I got back, and probably the last thing I’ll ever get from this guy.


Subj: THANKS/DETAILS OF THE TRANSACTION
Date: 10/15/2002 5:40:06 AM Eastern Daylight Time
From: joadu2001@hkem.com
To: Brendan

DEAR BRENDAN,

I RECEIVED YOUR MAIL AND I WISH TO THANK YOU IMMENSELY

FOR YOUR KIND INTEREST TO CO-OPERATE WITH ME ON THIS TRANSACTION AND YOUR WILLINGNESS
TO SUPPORT AND ASSIST ME IN THIS TRANSACTION. PLEASE, FIND HEREUNDER THE
DETAILS OF THE TRANSACTION FOR BETTER UNDERSTANDING.

ACTUALLY THIS TRANSACTION IS REAL, AND ONE HUNDRED PERCENT RISK FREE AND DOES
NOT RELATE TO ANY BREACH OF LAW OR PROCEED FROM DRUGS.

IT IS A MATTER OF NECESSITY TO CONTACT YOU FOR THIS TRANSACTION WITHOUT

FURTHER INVESTIGATION ABOUT YOUR PERSON, AS I VIEW YOU TO BE A MORE

RESPONSIBLE PERSONALITY. IT IS THEREFORE NECESSARY THAT YOU TELL ME A LITTLE
ABOUT YOURSELF. I HOPE YOU WOULD NOT BETRAY ME. AS FOR TRUST, IT IS A GIVEN
THING THAT TRUST IS EARNED, IT IS NOT GIVEN OUT LIGHTLY; HOWEVER, BECAUSE I
NEED YOU IN THIS TRANSACTION, I MUST GIVE

YOU MY TRUST; IT IS WORTH 40% OF THIS MONEY… I BELIEVE THAT THIS WILL

KEEP YOU FROM REFUSING TO GIVE MY OWN SHARE OF THE MONEY IF THE TRANSACTION IS
COMPLETED.

LIKE I STATED IN MY PROPOSAL, I WILL LIKE YOU TO PROVIDE YOUR FULL NAMES AND
ADDRESS SO THAT THE ATTORNEY WILL PREPARE THE NECESSARY DOCUMENTS AND
AFFIDAVITS WHICH WILL PUT YOU IN PLACE AS THE NEXT OF

KIN. WE SHALL HIRE TWO SEPARATE ATTORNEYS.

THE FIRST ATTORNEY WILL DRAFT A WILL WHICH WILL NAME YOU AS THE

BENEFICIARY/SOLE EXECUTOR OF THE WILL. THIS WILL WILL BE BACKDATED TO PURPORT
THAT IT HAD BEEN WRITTEN AND SIGNED BY MRS ANN BARBARA MYERS HERSELF. THE
SECOND ATTORNEY WILL FILE IN THE FEDERAL HIGH COURT

WITH AN APPROPRIATE AFFIDAVIT IN ORDER TO SECURE A LETTER OF PROBATE

EMPOWERING YOU AS THE NEXT OF KIN/SOLE BENEFICIARY AND TRUSTEE/SOLE EXECUTOR OF
THE ESTATE OF MRS ANN BARBARA MYERS WHICH INCLUDES THE SUM OF US$25M LYING IN
THE ACCOUNT NUMBER WHICH I SHALL GIVE YOU. THE ESSENCE OF HIRING TWO ATTORNEYS
IS TO MAKE SURE THAT BOTH ATTORNEYS WILL NOT HAVE THE DETAILS OF THIS
TRANSACTION AND THEREBY PREVENT THEM FROM KNOWING THAT THIS IS A DEAL.

UPON PREPARATION OF THESE DOCUMENTS AND APPROVALS FROM THE MINISTRY OF

JUSTICE, THE LETTER OF PROBATE WILL BE GRANTED IN YOUR FAVOUR WHICH WILL GIVE
YOU THE AUTHORITY TO REQUEST FOR THE TRANSFER OF THIS

MONEY .THE FEDERAL MINISTRY OF FINANCE AND OUR CORRESPONDENCE BANK  WILL
NOW TRANSFER THE MONEY TO A SECURITY COMPANY IN EUROPE WHICH IS USED AS AN
OFFSHORE CLEARING HOUSE OF THE BANK. THE ATTORNEY WILL HANDLE ALL THE PROCESSES
OF OBTAINING THE APPROVALS ON YOUR BEHALF. ALL THESE PROCESSES WILL BE
ACCOMPLISHED WITHIN 10 WORKING DAYS AND MONEY WILL BE TRANSFERRED TO EUROPE (
TO THE SECURITY COMPANY).THE VERY GOOD THING ABOUT THIS TRANSACTION IS THAT IT
WILL DONE IN A VERY PROPER

AND LEGAL MANNER.

I REQUEST YOUR ASSISTANCE AS A FOREIGNER  FOR YOU TO TRAVEL AND CLAIM THIS
FUNDS IN EUROPE( WITH THE SECURITY COMPANY USED AS THE OFFSHORE

CLEARING HOUSE OF MY BANK) WITH THE RELEVANT AND REQUIRED DOCUMENTS WHICH I
SHALL SEND TO YOU AS THE TRANSACTION PROGRESSES AS THE SOLE

BENEFACTOR/BENEFACTOR TO MRS ANN BARBARA MYERS YOU WILL BE REQUIRED TO HOLD
THIS FUND  WITH YOUR PERSON UNTIL I COME OVER TO YOUR COUNTRY FOR THE
SHARING OF THE MONEY.

I WOULD LIKE YOU TO MAKE AVAILABLE TO ME YOUR PRIVATE TELEPHONE AND FAX

NUMBER SO THAT WE CAN DISCUSS AND I CAN ALSO SEND YOU VIA FAX THE CERTIFICATE
OF THE FIXED DEPOSIT FOR YOUR ASSURANCE THAT THIS IS A

GENUINE TRANSACTION AND I WANT YOU TO TAKE IT VERY SERIOUSLY.

PLEASE CONFIRM YOUR WILLINGNESS BY PROVIDING ALL THE REQUESTED INFORMATION
ABOVE. ALL MODALITIES FOR THE SUCCESSFUL COMPLETION OF

THIS TRANSACTION HAS BEEN MAPPED OUT PROVIDED THAT YOU MAINTAIN

ABSOLUTE CONFIDENTIALITY AND KEEP TO THE INSTRUCTIONS I SHALL HAND OVER TO YOU
FROM TIME TO TIME FOR A SUCCESSFUL COMPLETION. ONCE I CLARIFY YOUR WILLINGNESS TO
PROCEED WITH THE TRANSACTION, THEN I SHALL HAVE THE WILL WRITTEN IN YOUR NAME
AS THE NEXT OF KIN TO AND SOLE BENEFACTOR TO THE INHERITANCE OF MRS ANN BARBARA
MYERS AND AS WELL AS SEND YOU THE COPY OF THE CERTIFICATE OF DEPOSIT AND A
DRAFT COPY OF THE WILL.

PLEASE EMAIL ME FOR FURTHER EXPLANATION ON THE ANY PART YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND
PROPERLY AND  YOU MAY SEND ME A MAIL WITH FURTHER

INFORMATION ABOUT YOURSELF BEFORE WE PROCEED FURTHER.

VERY TRULY YOURS,

JOHN AUDU

nb A CALL FROM YOU WILL BE HIGHLY APPRECIATED, MY

NUMBER IS 234-80-33299594,I AWAIT YOUR CALL. THANK YOU.



ROUND EIGHT Terminated with prejudice

Notice how he cleverly turned my name from Davis back to Brendan? I’ve got to learn to rein in my responses, because these guys either think I’m a narc or too stupid to be dealt with. Then again, my war on stupid email and my war on confidence scams are both going about 100 times better than the U.S.A.’s wars on drugs and terror. Maybe the CIA should stop trying to assassinate foreign leaders illegally and hire me to take care of both of these problems. I can’t guarantee it’ll work, but I can guarantee it’ll wind up on the web spreading joy and laughter to all who cross its path. Except that guy in Indiana who’s reading this and not laughing. Yes, you, sir. The one with the prosthetic leg.

Subj:
Re: THANKS/DETAILS OF THE TRANSACTION
Date: 10/15/2002 4:28:35 PM Eastern Daylight Time
From: Brendan
To: joadu2001@hkem.com

<DEAR BRENDAN,>

Okay, but you have it wrong this is my friends old screename that he lets me use. He is Brendan but my name is Davis.

<ACTUALLY THIS TRANSACTION IS REAL, AND ONE HUNDRED PERCENT RISK FREE AND DOES NOT RELATE TO
ANY BREACH OF LAW OR PROCEED FROM DRUGS.>

Ok good because I cannot get involved with that u have to understand that. I already have probation stemming from some bad times with booze so i have to stay awy from that stuff

<IT IS A MATTER OF NECESSITY TO CONTACT YOU FOR THIS TRANSACTION WITHOUT FURTHER INVESTIGATION ABOUT YOUR PERSON, AS I VIEW YOU TO BE A MORE RESPONSIBLE PERSONALITY. >

Thank you. Youre trust is apreciated.

Seriously Jon. Thank you.

<IT IS THEREFORE NECESSARY THAT YOU TELL ME A LITTLE ABOUT YOURSELF.>

Ok well where should i begin?? I wa sborn in Baton Rouge which is in Lousiana (u probably havent heard of it because your foreign but it is there in the south), in Our Lady of the Redeemed Strumpet Hospital, but we very quickly moved back to my dads hometown of Sherbetville, New York (NOTE: state not city it is not part of a boro), and i have lived there all my life.

I do not remember Baton rouge.

I work in a nursing home (Expiring Pines Rest Home) i’m a volunteer but I get a stipend, and i make a little from the old folks, sometimes they just want u to listen to them and they put you in there wills for money, other times they give u things when there dying. it is kind of sad and I dont want to work there thats why youre email was so great for me. I dont have to work there now.

What is my cut? 40 per cent of 25 million is….2.5 million or 12 mlilion? I can do the math but not here b/c i’m on the library computer.

< I HOPE YOU WOULD NOT BETRAY ME. >

No, NEVER!!! U r helping me to get rich, why would i do that???

Dont be silly.

<AS FOR TRUST, IT IS A GIVEN THING THAT TRUST IS EARNED, IT IS NOT GIVEN OUT LIGHTLY;>

Yes the same is true of why I trurst you to deliver it now that i have quit my job.

<LIKE I STATED IN MY PROPOSAL, I WILL LIKE YOU TO PROVIDE YOUR FULL NAMES AND ADDRESS >

i alrady gave it 2 you!!! didnt u get it? let me know quick!!!

<SO THAT THE ATTORNEY WILL PREPARE THE NECESSARY DOCUMENTS AND AFFIDAVITS WHICH WILL PUT YOU IN PLACE AS THE NEXT OF KIN. WE SHALL HIRE TWO SEPARATE ATTORNEYS.>

Ok should i hire one or are you getting both?

<THE FIRST ATTORNEY WILL DRAFT A WILL WHICH WILL NAME YOU AS THE BENEFICIARY/SOLE EXECUTOR OF THE WILL. THIS WILL WILL BE BACKDATED TO PURPORT THAT IT HAD BEEN WRITTEN AND SIGNED BY MRS ANN BARBARA MYERS HERSELF. >

Holy shit that is legal in ur country? LOL LMFAO I cant believe that in America that is soooooo illegal. But if as u say it is not illegal to do that in Nigera then I can go ahead with it. You let me know so I know what to do.

<THE SECOND ATTORNEY WILL FILE IN THE FEDERAL HIGH COURT WITH AN APPROPRIATE AFFIDAVIT IN ORDER TO SECURE A LETTER OF PROBATE EMPOWERING YOU AS THE NEXT OF KIN/SOLE BENEFICIARY AND TRUSTEE/SOLE EXECUTOR OF THE ESTATE
OF MRS ANN BARBARA MYERS WHICH INCLUDES THE SUM OF US$25M LYING IN THE ACCOUNT NUMBER WHICH I SHALL GIVE YOU. THE ESSENCE OF HIRING TWO ATTORNEYS IS TO MAKE SURE THAT BOTH ATTORNEYS WILL NOT HAVE THE DETAILS OF THIS TRANSACTION AND THEREBY PREVENT THEM FROM KNOWING THAT THIS IS A DEAL.>

Okay whew! good

<UPON PREPARATION OF THESE DOCUMENTS AND APPROVALS FROM THE MINISTRY OF  JUSTICE, THE LETTER OF PROBATE WILL BE GRANTED IN YOUR FAVOUR WHICH WILL GIVE YOU THE AUTHORITY TO REQUEST FOR THE TRANSFER OF THIS MONEY .THE FEDERAL MINISTRY OF FINANCE AND OUR CORRESPONDENCE BANK WILL NOW TRANSFER THE MONEY TO A SECURITY COMPANY IN EUROPE WHICH IS USED AS AN OFFSHORE CLEARING HOUSE OF THE BANK. THE ATTORNEY WILL HANDLE ALL THE PROCESSES OF OBTAINING THE APPROVALS ON YOUR BEHALF. ALL THESE PROCESSES WILL BE ACCOMPLISHED WITHIN 10 WORKING DAYS AND MONEY WILL BE TRANSFERRED TO EUROPE ( TO THE SECURITY COMPANY).THE VERY GOOD THING ABOUT THIS TRANSACTION IS THAT IT WILL DONE IN A VERY PROPER AND LEGAL MANNER.>

I see. I dont understand how it works, you make it confusing but yes i get it that it will work.

<I REQUEST YOUR ASSISTANCE AS A FOREIGNER FOR YOU TO TRAVEL AND CLAIM THIS FUNDS IN EUROPE( WITH THE SECURITY COMPANY USED AS THE OFFSHORE CLEARING HOUSE OF MY BANK) >

Ok this may be our first problem. Like I said i have probation so I cant leave the country which is stupid because its not like im going to run anyway, I didn’t even hit anybody, just a dog…anyway so the drinking and driving thing…I have ot stay in the US and cant come visit u. But if this is our first problem then I am sorry, but if you can keep transferring without meeting me face to face then we are still good. Im sorry, but unless you can come to the USA I have to stay here and cant meet you.

<WITH THE RELEVANT AND REQUIRED DOCUMENTS WHICH I SHALL SEND TO YOU AS THE TRANSACTION PROGRESSES AS THE SOLE BENEFACTOR/BENEFACTOR TO MRS ANN BARBARA MYERS YOU WILL BE REQUIRED TO HOLD THIS FUND WITH YOUR PERSON UNTIL I COME OVER TO YOUR COUNTRY FOR THE SHARING OF THE MONEY.>

Ok you can come then I guess we’re ok

<I WOULD LIKE YOU TO MAKE AVAILABLE TO ME YOUR PRIVATE TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBER SO THAT WE CAN DISCUSS AND I CAN ALSO SEND YOU VIA FAX THE CERTIFICATE OF THE FIXED DEPOSIT FOR YOUR ASSURANCE THAT THIS IS A GENUINE
TRANSACTION AND I WANT YOU TO TAKE IT VERY SERIOUSLY
.>

Again this is a problem because i dont have either. I live in a trailer park and those places arent wired for phone or fax! I am using the internet at the library as i said. PLS believe I would give these too you if i had them!! maybe theres some other way!

I DO take it seriosuly

<PLEASE EMAIL ME FOR FURTHER EXPLANATION ON THE ANY PART YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND PROPERLY AND YOU MAY SEND ME A MAIL WITH FURTHER INFORMATION ABOUT YOURSELF BEFORE WE PROCEED FURTHER.>

Okay i’ll keep quiet about it but you’re right htere is alot i dont understand. whats your job again in Niegera?

-DH


ROUND NINE Last shot

Then came this, the same day my AOL account was canceled. With three hours to go, Lmuh Daniels/Babs Tunde wrote me back:

From: “lmuh daniels”
To: Brendan
Date: Mon, 06 Jan 2003 22:00:37 +0800
Subject: SENATOR

HI HOPE YOU CAN RECOLLECT THE PERSON MAILLING YOU?

I AM THE SENATOR WHOM GAVE YOU A PROPOSAL TO TRANSFER SOME MONEY INTO YOUR ACCOUNT SOME MONTHS BACK,BUT YOU SAID YOU DONT HAVE A PHONE LINE NOR A FAX NUMBER RIGTH.

I HAVE MADE SOME ARRANGEMENT TO GET YOU A PHONE SO THAT THE TRANSACTION CAN COMMECE.

I replied to this new address, but it got bounced back to me within minutes. I tried the old one, with the additional message:

I tried to send this to the address from which you had wrote to me. THIS DOES NOT SPEAK WELL OF OUR BUSINESS FAITH

but that, too, came back to me. A few hours later, my AOL account was deleted. The last shot, it seems, had indeed been fired into the hearts and wallets of marks everywhere:

Yes I do of course remember you but you must acknowledge that you are using a new email address. This makes me have a lack of confidence in our business dealings as I do not know whom I am dealing with from week to week and you understand.

It is however lucky that you contacted me as this address will be defunct soon. That means I am cancelling it. Why? you ask and I shall answer: I am moving all of my business dealings to my work account, which is where you shall be hearing from me in the future. This account is CEOBrendan@ny.com and I ask that you use it from now on (this AOL address will not exist in a few hours).

it is no longer neecessary to get me a phone okay? because things have changed. My software firm has taken off (as I recall you contacted me because you wanted to set up offshore accounts and maintain business dealings which I assume means having your country people build my software cheap in a sweatshop). Anyway I don’t really care because the end result is the same: you can still work for me if you want to.

I am now located in Manhattan in the Empire State Building, which is now the biggest building in New York–what I mean here is that since Septemeber 11th, when foreign people (NOTE: NOT you or your representatives. I am not offending you) blew up the World Trade Center then now the Empire State Building is the tallest building we have and I am in it

My software company makes 200 million annually whicnh is not a bad sum for a startup company in its first year (we are no microsoft though LOLOLOLMFAO) and I see myself in a much better position to deal with you.

Please reply to my current address: CEOBrendan@ny.com (not this outdated one which you are very lucky to ahve caught) if you consider doing business with me and I will incorporate you into my business as a hired consultant (this is a freelance position and not at odds with youre job as a senator or whatever you still are). I will provide you with an employee ID number, benefits plan and
passwords to enter the company mainframe and login to your account as new consulting vice president (LOL i bet when you became a senator you didn’t realize you’d be a vice president at the same time!!!) At which itme you will hear back from me or my partner, Kevin (he likes to handle the emails because they are fun for him).

Your emails will go to the email account I create for you in-house as my employee which you will be on paper but in reality more like my business partner because I know you are going to export me many millions of dollars in holdings that will make us both rich. Excellent.

Thanks you

Brendan Evans

CEO, Brainhat Software


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