One from the Toyfare vaults 1


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I’m not sure if this ever ran in TOYFARE, but for awhile we were blatantly ripping off THE ONION with a section called “The Rag.” This was pretty much loathed by the readers, but great fun for the writers. One of my first pieces was the bit below, that I’d forgotten all about:

HED: HULK TO SMASH

ALT:
SMASH, HIT FOR HULK
HULK: “HULK SMASH”

(but how can you turn your back on “Hulk to Smash”?)

SUB:
Gamma-Powered Goliath Announces Smash, Hit
Jade Giant Promises Pulverization
Green Giant to Crush, Rend, Destroy

The Incredible Hulk announced at an impromptu press conference Thursday that he would smash. “Hulk make you understand!” the jade giant roared to quivering reporters, “Hulk smash! That what Hulk do! Even on Sundays!”

Hulk’s alter-ego, Dr. Robert Bruce Banner, was unavailable for comment. Hulk has yet to fulfill his oft-stated goal of smashing Puny Banner.

The Hulk first smashed in 1962 when he destroyed a U.S. Army Jeep. A chain of smash followed, broken only in the late ’70s by an addiction to Hostess fruit pies.

He most recently targeted director Michael Bay after watching Bay’s film, The Island. “How clones not realize they for spare parts?” growled Hulk Thursday. “Film insult Hulk’s intelligence! Now Bay one who need organ donors! Ho ho ho!” he laughed, causing the walls to rumble.

The smash work has frequently earned Hulk both praise and criticism.  In 1988 he was lauded by First Lady Nancy Reagan for smashing teen drug abuse and soviet super-villain The Abomination, but subsequently lost White House support when he smashed a faltering U.S. dollar weakened by foreign lending. Banner later apologized, though Hulk still defends his actions. “Dollar learn Hulk strongest one there is!” he iterated Thursday.

Dr. Leonard Samson, Hulk’s therapist and occasional smash-object, defended his patient’s behavior. “Hulk is the impulsive id of Banner’s psyche,” said Samson, “Smashing is a healthy outlet for him.” He added, “Still, I’d hate to be Thor or whoever gets their face knobbed this time.”

When asked about his intended target(s), the Hulk kept mum, but indicated he might select traditional smashing victims Claw-Man (Wolverine), Star-Hat (Gen. Thaddeus “Thunderbolt” Ross) or Not-Funny Meatneck (comedian Joe Rogan).
“Hulk hate stupid Thunder-Star!” announced the green goliath, obliterating the podium with his pinky. “Why can’t Army just leave Hulk alone? AAAAARGH!” He then smashed through the ceiling, killing five reporters.