The Five Dirtiest Places to Land a Punch


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Socko!

Hey, look, I write for Holy Taco now. Ian Fortey’s going to be a good editor to work under, because he replaces the parts where I blather with funnier punchlines. However, I will miss this bit:
When you decide to fight a man, you must size each other up and choose whether to engage. But when you beat up his gonads, you’re attacking 500 million sperm who never asked to be a part of it, which is akin to bullying 250 million complete children. That’s not a fight; that’s an act of terrorism.

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Full original draft:
THE FIVE DIRTIEST PLACES TO HIT SOMEONE
First off, don’t get in a fight. No one attacks another human being to spread sunshine and gumpdrops, except three-time bantamweight champ Strawberry Shortcake.
Nevertheless, there’s a difference between having it out and trying to really hurt someone. There’s a reason Steven Seagal wins every fight he stages; he only plays characters who like to cripple amateur fighters. The only reason he’s not a sadist is it requires heavy breathing.
Dirty fighting is why America doesn’t really respects Seagal even though he could break most of its elbows. Before you throw that punch, ask yourself, “How would John Wayne knock someone out?”* If the Duke wouldn’t do it, neither should you. And here’s why:
*A: Haymaker to the jaw

THE KNEE
The knee supports most of your weight, and people need two of ‘em for that “balance” thing humans have going. So yeah, this is a quick way to end a fight while your beer’s still cold. Most people lose their fighting spirit when their opponent possesses the unfair advantage of standing.
So why’s it dirty? It’s not like winding someone with a quick slug to the gut. The knee is a pretty complex piece of equipment. Trying to temporarily disable it with a kick or punch is akin to turning off your iPhone by throwing it out at a wall. More likely, you’ve just sent some dude to the hospital and months of physical therapy, while you head for the clink.
When’s it okay?
Unless you fear for your life, leave it to the Professional Knee-Breakers Association.

There is a direct relationship between the likelihood of an attack at the knees and the amount of hair gel used

There is a direct relationship between the likelihood of an attack at the knees and the amount of hair gel used

THE LIVER
The liver is a lot like Tony Soprano; it’s full of bile, has a hand in everyone’s action, and loves rich food. What they have most in common, however, is they’re big targets for dirty sumbitches. And when either of them gets hit, a full minute of silent darkness follows. Thumping someone’s liver is a way of telling their life processes to take a cigarette break.
MMA fighter Bas Rutten treats livers the way Rambo treats Not America. In fact, you get the idea that punching livers was something that Rutten did as a vocation, and mixed-martial arts became popular at the right time for him. He’s the only man in the world to reject other peoples’ liver transplants.
When’s it okay?
–Defending yourself against Bas Rutten.
[EMBED: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AXX8dCtkeqQ]

THE KIDNEYS
Let’s make it easy: you punch a guy in the kidney, he’s going to piss blood. Unless your target ran over your dog, you can’t possibly hate him enough to cause this much terror. Men are more prepared to see a loved one’s dead body than a stream of gore flowing from their reproductive equipment.
And that’s if you’re hitting carefully. Tenderize the kidney like you plan to have it for dinner, and you could cause serious internal bleeding, which is–unbelievably–somehow different from and worse than hot torrents of ochre-pee.
When’s it okay?
–If you are conducting a war on crime.

And even then, only against the lamer villains

And even then, only against the lamer villains

THE THROAT
The human neck is ten kinds of design flaw considering most people can’t even hold their breath a full minute. If you’re going to punch someone in the throat, you might as well be honest about who you are and bring in a foreign object. This is nearly the dirtiest move you can pull without using your fingernails or their eyeballs. The throat-punch deprives a man of both his oxygen and his ability to cry uncle. Moreover: what the hell, man? The throat!
When’s it okay?
If your opponent is one of the starting Lakers.

What more can be said?

What more can be said?

THE GROIN
Was there ever any doubt that this is the dirtiest place to hit a man? Sure, those other places can kill you, but at least you’re not pounding someone in the baby bag. You do not pound another man in the junk; this is a nearly inviolate rule. When you decide to fight a man, you must size each other up and choose whether to engage. But when you beat up his gonads, you’re attacking 500 million sperm who never asked to be a part of it, which is akin to bullying 250 million complete children. That’s not a fight; that’s an act of terrorism.
When’s it okay?
These are the only two times when it’s acceptable to attack another man’s groin:
–When you catch him in bed with your wife.
–If he is the Incredible Hulk.

If Captain America does it, it can’t be considered wrong.

If Captain America does it, it can’t be considered wrong.

And even then, you open yourself up to all sorts of retaliation.

You don’t even want to know the circumstances for this to be acceptable.

You don’t even want to know the circumstances for this to be acceptable.