Six horrific forms of contraception


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Turns out Cracked already ran 10 forms, so this pitch never got past a sample.

So we’re lucky enough to live in an age of condoms, contraceptive pills, and google-stalking to see if someone’s screenname shows up on threads like “Living with genital warts.” But for the first 100,000 years of human history, the only methods of preventing disease, and worse — other human beings –were a high fall or the old “spray ‘n’ pray.”

Or were they? Here’s a list of horrible things people used as barriers to disease and dissemination that make one ask if it was even worth getting off.

–Pliable turtle shell condoms (19th century Japan)
–Softened animal horns (Japan again…you start to see why tentacles seem downright gentle and pleasurable)
–Lemon diaphragms (ancient Egypt)
–Coca-Cola douche (19th century America)
–Animal intestines (which, we’ll remind you, is where feces are made)
–Drinking mercury, for crying out loud

e.g.

DRINKING GODDAMN MERCURY
Okay, so far, everything here makes a sick sort of sense, like bulimia or voting for Nader. After all, Coca Cola can take the rust off an engine block, and if a woman gets pregnant after having sex with a horn, either her uterus is made of leather or Truman only bombed Nagasaki to make sure the Anti-Christ was destroyed. But no one should get anywhere near mercury, except Jeremy Piven.

IMAGE: Piven looking mercury-poisoned
CAP: Keep ordering those maki rolls, Piv!

DOES IT WORK?
Yeah, in the same way napalming half of Vietnam took out a few Viet Cong. They don’t make caps locks big enough for this kind of emphasis: DO NOT DRINK THE MERCURY, IT IS WORSE THAN GETTING PREGNANT, EVEN IF YOUR STEPDAD IS THE FATHER AND YOUR MOM IS THE POPE.

IMAGE: Ann Coulter in a Pope’s hat.
CAP: She leads with her right, so duck and roll

SO WHAT’S THE PROBLEM?
Mercury is readily absorbed through the skin, even though your skin’s whole job is to not do shit like that, and even more readiliery by mucous membranes, which is exactly what God chose as the vagina’s interior decoration, almost like you’re not supposed to put mercury in there. Desperate damsels found a work-around by drinking the stuff, which is even worse because, honestly, then it has to go through your entire system. The only thing more toxic would be using the water-fountain after Amy Winehouse.

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