Something you might not know about me is I believe in the purity of two joys: Tyson the skateboarding bulldog, and The Muppets. So you probably won’t believe me that this Asylum article wasn’t my idea since it ends with both of those.
Also, I’m going to start archiving all my Asylum work here because AOL is stupid and canceled Asylum even though it’s pulling terrific numbers. Why? Well, ad sales aren’t what they’d like them to be, even though they’re not recruiting any of the ads from similar sites like The Onion, Collegehumor, Cracked, etc. Where you or I would fire the ad execs, AOL decides to cancel the fun after its best month ever, getting named one of the top blogs, and beating most of their other house sites.
Sadly, it turns out this sham-phibian is bound to his board by string. The cat seems pretty interested, though, which us thinking: What animals do like to skate? Read on to find out more.
If you look up "skateboarding cat" on YouTube, you’ll get a bunch of bored kitties patiently gliding across the room under their owners’ power. That’s not good enough.
It turns out a lot of animals need help to thrash. Like this bunny. It’s almost as if Usagi Slow-jimbo here has no interest in gleaming the cube. (We’re kind of sticking with an ’80s theme here.)
Even this owl, generally regarded as one of the cooler birds, has only a casual interest in the sport. It turns out owls are only interested in two things: mice and magic.
The most famous skating bird ever was Gordo the parrot, of whom no videos exist. Sadly, Gordo was birdnapped from his home in the spring of 2009, presumably by the increasingly desperate producers of "Air Bud." We do, however, bring you a skateboarding cockatoo. Finally! An animal skating under his own power!
Say, here’s a plucky bird with his own pair of roller skates! Enjoy our friend Stewie, the skating eclectus parrot.
English bulldogs really, really love to skate. Maybe it’s because they’re so fat that running on their own power is too hard, but you put an English bulldog anywhere near a skateboard and you’ll end up with some mobile adorability.
The list of skateboarding bulldogs goes on and on. There’s Chief, Kobe, Darla, Frank and, in Japan, Bazooka, just for starters. The two most famous skating bulldogs are Tillman, the world-record-holding speed skater, and Tyson, who’s personal BFFs with Oprah. Tyson is the original skateboarding bulldog and the bearer of all joy in the universe.
Tillman not only skates but also surfs and skimboards. His moment of glory, however, came when Natural Pet Foods built a one-story sculpture of him for a parade float.
Here they are enjoying a day at the skate park together:
As for the future? They’ve inspired several puppies, like Boddington:
Though not a bulldog, Extreme Pete is the Tony Hawk of skateboarding animals. (Sadly, we could find no evidence of skateboarding hawks.)
Conclusion? Dogs win. Try to prove us wrong.