MINI vs. Monster on Facebook


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I wrote a Facebook campaign for the MINI vs. Monster 3-D slo-mo ad that’s going to debut this weekend. If you know me in real life or are an indie comic book character, I may have named a fake Facebook profile after you.

Full script and character Facebook profiles:

Mini Cooper bios
by Brendan McGinley

I’m writing first-person (and grammatically incorrect) like I’m filling out their Facebook profiles so you can simply flood in the text. You’ll have to create some groups, though.

BELLYMAN

NAME
Tim Kenzel

LOCATION
Phoenix, AZ

STATUS
Nursin my bruises Owwww

COMMENTS UNDERNEATH
FRIEND: LOL good time in Vegas bro?
TIM: I don’t even remember
FRIEND: Def a good time

GROUPS & INTERESTS
Slayer RULES!!!, Truck rallies, Pretty Girls Think of Me like a Brother, electric guitar, I can eat 50 onion rings in 5 minutes, Mini Cooper, 1 million people against a 55mph speed limit

RELATIONSHIP STATUS
Single

ABOUT TIM
What can I say I’m just a regular guy love metal , munchies and motors. Have 2 tattoos but one’s an indecent picture the other’s indecent location hahaha!!!

Love to my grandma 86 years old Nonna you are incredible

I hope to be ½ of the first couple to have sex in space


VACUUMING WOMAN

NAME
Carrie-Margaret Brown

LOCATION
St Louis, MO

STATUS
Doing my spring cleaning in winter. < 8-(

GROUPS & INTERESTS
If it rains pennies from Heaven I’m ready for the monsoon, Audrey Hepburn, I used to own a cat clock that looked from side to side, psychology, Route 66, Betty Boop, Alfred Hitchcock, Mini Cooper

RELATIONSHIP STATUS
Divorced

ABOUT
I love my son Cody, 6, and I thank God every day for him. I am focused on my family and keeping my life in order. I started kickbox classes in december and getting buff! Almost enough to keep up with the little terror. I LOVE a good horror film, nothing gory, but good suspense. That long, unbearable, drawn-out moment of wondering what’s going to happen…perfect!

God doesn’t close a door but He breaks a window


TRUCK DRIVER

NAME
Jericho Neloski

STATUS
I think I singed off my eyebrows doing that last stunt.

LOCATION
Riding that eternity road…

GROUPS & INTERESTS
Gravity is just a theory, Extra-strength detergent, Truckasaurus Rex is hungry, Mini Cooper, Physics is my co-pilot, Bigfoot is real and he drives stick, Mud

RELATIONSHIP STATUS
It’s complicated

ABOUT
I promised myself when I was five years old nothing would ever pin me down. I live my life 10 seconds at a time, though it’s often slowed down to 90. Stunt driver, truckmeister, gearhead, and all-around fun guy. I wasn’t born to be no parking valet.

CHICKEN

NAME
Chicken

STATUS
BAWK!

LOCATION
Las Vegas, NV

GROUPS & INTERESTS
I would eat a bug, Mini Cooper, sports mascots, Vegas strip, vegetarianism, I LUV CHICKEN

RELATIONSHIP STATUS
One rooster, many hens

ABOUT
Bawk bawk bgawk!


CELEBUTANTE

NAME
Tiffany Van Hotten

STATUS
Flyin 2 brazil or I think argentina w Brit. Meet us @ usual place XOXO

LOCATION
The valley

GROUPS & INTERESTS
Shopping, I enjoy having money, celebrity gossip, It’s Party Time!, NYC nightlife, LA nightlife, Miami club scene, skiing, But officer I shall cry if you write that ticket, Ain’t no party like a Hamptons PARTY!!!!, I don’t remember what happened at Ibiza

RELATIONSHIP STATUS
2 girls, 1 chump

ABOUT
Whatever…

www.spoiledrottencelebutante.com

FAMILY MOTHER

NAME
Alexis Ardleby

STATUS
Thought for the day: Tomorrow is just a today that hasn’t happened yet, and today is a yesterday that can still be won!

LOCATION
Austin, TX

GROUPS & INTERESTS
Keep Austin weird, Don’t mess with Texas, Concerned mothers for ruining everything, Jews for Jesus & Christians for Moses

RELATIONSHIP STATUS
Married

ABOUT
Living and loving life every day with my husband and two kids. We do things as a family: Monday is crafts night, Tuesdays are family night at the speed bowl, Wednesday we protest PG-13 films, and Thursdays the kids stay home with a sitter while Todd and I go to the restaurant with the mechanical bull. Fridays and Saturdays are reserved for the kids’ games, and Sundays of course, are for rest (watching football).


JAPANESE FAMILY

(All in Japanese?)

NAME
The Hyabusas

STATUS
Up with insomnia.

LOCATION
Sendai, Japan

GROUPS & INTERESTS
Shinto, Mini Cooper, automotive enthusiasts, monster trucks, monster trucks that are secretly robots, robots that are just robots, Several things that are neither trucks nor robots like kittens for example

RELATIONSHIP STATUS
Married

ABOUT
We recently purchased a 3-D television and have enjoyed many Family Nights viewing it together. However, nothing compared to what we saw broadcast live from Las Vegas recently – a monster truck soaring in slow-motion over a row of Mini Coopers! Naturally we were shocked and terrified for the safety of the magnificent Mini Cooper automobile, even as we were thrilled by the stirring refrain of the musician Meatloaf’s seminal “I Would Do Anything for Love.” The children were too excited to go to bed that night after the startling conclusion of that truck’s flight over those poor cars! Everything worked out for the best however, as is to be expected when Mini is involved.

ALTERNATE TEXT (just in case this entry is all in English or you fear spoilers from any translators):

We recently purchased a 3-D television and have enjoyed many Family Nights viewing it together. However, nothing compared to what we saw broadcast live from Las Vegas recently – a monster truck versus the indomitable Mini Cooper! Naturally we were shocked and concerned for the integrity of this fine automobile, up against the ferocious power of tires nearly twice its height. We should have known that everything would turn out fine…despite what happened.

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Mini Cooper script
by Brendan McGinley

The idea here is that over the course of three days, we unveil more of an idea of what happened without actually revealing anything in its entirety. To that end, I’ve come up with a number of ideas why the audience can’t talk about what happened.

At the end of DAY 1 the thread will read:

MINI:
Mini vs. Monster just went down in Vegas! Did you win your bet on who’d win?

Vacuuming Woman:
I don’t know! I plugged the vacuum into the same outlet as the TV and blew a fuse! Anyone know what happened?

Chicken:
Ba-bawk!

Truck Driver:
Oh, I was there. Right up front. Heh heh.

Celebutante:
Im not sure what happened bc my eyes were full of soda.

Belly Man:
I can top that. I woke up with a black eye and no memory of what happened.

Celebutante:
Take it from me, U totes deservd it.

Belly Man:
Did we make out?

Celebutante:
Ugh. NO.

Belly Man:
Do you mind if I tell people we did anyway?

Family Mother:
Oh my lord, I was so scared, I couldn’t look! I done told my husband the kids are too young for such fuss and excitement.

Vacuuming Woman:
So did anyone see who won?

Japanese Family (in Japanese):
We did! We watched it in mind-blowing slow-motion 3-D!

Vacuuming Woman:
…what?

Belly Man:
My Japanese is limited to what I’ve learned from bootleg anime, but I think they watched the showdown in 3-D, and also something about giant robots.

Japanese Family (in Japanese):
Your ignorance is as vast as your gut.

Vacuuming woman:
Was it really 3-D? I have an old TV.

Celebutante:
It was 3-D from where I was sitting!

Belly Man:
Yeah, but you were sitting in the stands.

Family Mother:
Yes, hon, it was filmed in 3-D slow-motion, which ain’t nobody ever done before.

Truck Driver:
It happens in slow-motion when you’re behind the wheel, too.

Vacuuming woman:
That’s…not even possible.

Japanese Family (in Japanese):
You’re all crazy.

Vacuuming Woman:
I wish I were in Vegas so I don’t have to wait three days.

Chicken:
Bawk bawk bgawk!

Family Mother:
Easy for you to say, Chicken, you don’t have children to think of.

Chicken:
Bawk.


DAY 2:

MINI:
Two more days until the footage from the Las Vegas showdown is released in slow-motion 3-D. Who were you rooting for: Mini or Monster?

Family mother: My Dale’s a big monster fan, but the kids and I think the Mini’s so cute. Keep it a secret, but we were rooting Mini!

Truck Driver: Monster, definitely. Hey, what can I say? I’m biased.

Belly Man:
You wouldn’t know it to look at me, but I’m a Mini guy. Someday I’ll be Mini, too! Someday…

Chicken:
BAWK! But only because BUK-BAWK!

Celebutante:
I was rooting for…wait, which one was I hired to promote at this appearance?

Japanese Family (in Japanese):
One must consider the need for balance in the universe. Sometimes the Mini wins, sometimes the Monster. It is important only that the contest is fought. Nevertheless: [in English] MINI!!!

Vacuuming Woman:
After all the vacuuming I just did, I’m going with the Mini. There can’t be that much dirt in the treads.

Celebutante:
What’s vacuuming?

Belly Man:
You don’t even understand why people hate you, do you?

Celebutante:
Their just jealous.

Truck Driver:
Can someone please explain to this young woman the difference between Their, They’re and There? I’m trying not to crash at the moment.

Vacuuming Woman:
Are you texting while driving?

Truck Driver:
Woah! Gotta go!

Japanese Family (in Japanese):
Young lady, “Their” is the possessive plural pronoun, as in [in English] “Their new Mini is adorable, fast and economic.”

Japanese Family (in Japanese):
“They’re” is a contraction of “They are,” as in [in English] “They’re excited about all the features in their new Mini!”

Japanese Family (in Japanese):
“There” indicates a location, or a presence, such as [in English] “There is the new Mini vs. Monster ad we have waited so patiently to see!”

Celebutante:
Ohhhh! Well y didnt anyone put it in simple terms for me b4?

Chicken:
Bawwwwwk.

DAY 3:

MINI:
It’s time! The wait is over, and the Mini vs. Monster battle can be shown in all its 3-D slow-motion glory to the world!

Vacuuming Woman:
Finally! A break from the monotony of all this vacuuming.

Truck Driver:
Heck, I love vacuuming. You should have said something. We could’ve switched jobs for a day. Vacuuming’s more fun than work!

Celebutante:
What’s work?

Belly Man:
*sigh* That does it, I’m getting another cup of soda.

Celebutante
Better get another steak for ur eye while ur up. I know what an effort it is for you.

Japanese Family (in Japanese):
Must we explain to you the difference between “you’re” and “your” now?

Belly Man:
Hey, I’ll have you know I move around a lot!

Celebutante
Yeah, in slow-mo like the Mini commercial, but I meant the effort not to eat the steak.

Belly Man:
I’ll have you know I’ve had chicken for dinner every night this week!

Chicken:
Buk Bawk? BAWWWWWK!

Belly Man:
…I’m so sorry.

Family Mother:
You’re all a bad influence, and I’m glad I wasn’t sitting near any of you at the auto rally.

Celebutante:
Believe me, Belly Man was sitting near everyone.

Belly Man:
[link here to an image of a generic cup of soda. ]

Celebutante:
I’ll shut up.

Vacuuming Woman
Well, it’s been fun chatting with you all, but we have to go prepare for our viewing party.

Japanese Family (in Japanese):
Sayonara!

Family Mother
Take care, hon!

Truck Driver
10-4!

Chicken
Bawk!

Belly Guy
Later, sweet p’tater.

Celebutante
Everything is food with you, isn’t it? L8rz!

MINI
Where will YOU watch Mini vs. Monster?

Mini Cooper bios
by Brendan McGinley

I’m writing first-person (and grammatically incorrect) like I’m filling out their Facebook profiles so you can simply flood in the text. You’ll have to create some groups, though.

BELLYMAN

NAME
Tim Kenzel

LOCATION
Phoenix, AZ

STATUS
Nursin my bruises Owwww

COMMENTS UNDERNEATH
FRIEND: LOL good time in Vegas bro?
TIM: I don’t even remember
FRIEND: Def a good time

GROUPS & INTERESTS
Slayer RULES!!!, Truck rallies, Pretty Girls Think of Me like a Brother, electric guitar, I can eat 50 onion rings in 5 minutes, Mini Cooper, 1 million people against a 55mph speed limit

RELATIONSHIP STATUS
Single

ABOUT TIM
What can I say I’m just a regular guy love metal , munchies and motors. Have 2 tattoos but one’s an indecent picture the other’s indecent location hahaha!!!

Love to my grandma 86 years old Nonna you are incredible

I hope to be ½ of the first couple to have sex in space


VACUUMING WOMAN

NAME
Carrie-Margaret Brown

LOCATION
St Louis, MO

STATUS
Doing my spring cleaning in winter. < 8-(

GROUPS & INTERESTS
If it rains pennies from Heaven I’m ready for the monsoon, Audrey Hepburn, I used to own a cat clock that looked from side to side, psychology, Route 66, Betty Boop, Alfred Hitchcock, Mini Cooper

RELATIONSHIP STATUS
Divorced

ABOUT
I love my son Cody, 6, and I thank God every day for him. I am focused on my family and keeping my life in order. I started kickbox classes in december and getting buff! Almost enough to keep up with the little terror. I LOVE a good horror film, nothing gory, but good suspense. That long, unbearable, drawn-out moment of wondering what’s going to happen…perfect!

God doesn’t close a door but He breaks a window


TRUCK DRIVER

NAME
Jericho Neloski

STATUS
I think I singed off my eyebrows doing that last stunt.

LOCATION
Riding that eternity road…

GROUPS & INTERESTS
Gravity is just a theory, Extra-strength detergent, Truckasaurus Rex is hungry, Mini Cooper, Physics is my co-pilot, Bigfoot is real and he drives stick, Mud

RELATIONSHIP STATUS
It’s complicated

ABOUT
I promised myself when I was five years old nothing would ever pin me down. I live my life 10 seconds at a time, though it’s often slowed down to 90. Stunt driver, truckmeister, gearhead, and all-around fun guy. I wasn’t born to be no parking valet.

CHICKEN

NAME
Chicken

STATUS
BAWK!

LOCATION
Las Vegas, NV

GROUPS & INTERESTS
I would eat a bug, Mini Cooper, sports mascots, Vegas strip, vegetarianism, I LUV CHICKEN

RELATIONSHIP STATUS
One rooster, many hens

ABOUT
Bawk bawk bgawk!


CELEBUTANTE

NAME
Tiffany Van Hotten

STATUS
Flyin 2 brazil or I think argentina w Brit. Meet us @ usual place XOXO

LOCATION
The valley

GROUPS & INTERESTS
Shopping, I enjoy having money, celebrity gossip, It’s Party Time!, NYC nightlife, LA nightlife, Miami club scene, skiing, But officer I shall cry if you write that ticket, Ain’t no party like a Hamptons PARTY!!!!, I don’t remember what happened at Ibiza

RELATIONSHIP STATUS
2 girls, 1 chump

ABOUT
Whatever…

www.spoiledrottencelebutante.com

FAMILY MOTHER

NAME
Alexis Ardleby

STATUS
Thought for the day: Tomorrow is just a today that hasn’t happened yet, and today is a yesterday that can still be won!

LOCATION
Austin, TX

GROUPS & INTERESTS
Keep Austin weird, Don’t mess with Texas, Concerned mothers for ruining everything, Jews for Jesus & Christians for Moses

RELATIONSHIP STATUS
Married

ABOUT
Living and loving life every day with my husband and two kids. We do things as a family: Monday is crafts night, Tuesdays are family night at the speed bowl, Wednesday we protest PG-13 films, and Thursdays the kids stay home with a sitter while Todd and I go to the restaurant with the mechanical bull. Fridays and Saturdays are reserved for the kids’ games, and Sundays of course, are for rest (watching football).


JAPANESE FAMILY

(All in Japanese?)

NAME
The Hyabusas

STATUS
Up with insomnia.

LOCATION
Sendai, Japan

GROUPS & INTERESTS
Shinto, Mini Cooper, automotive enthusiasts, monster trucks, monster trucks that are secretly robots, robots that are just robots, Several things that are neither trucks nor robots like kittens for example

RELATIONSHIP STATUS
Married

ABOUT
We recently purchased a 3-D television and have enjoyed many Family Nights viewing it together. However, nothing compared to what we saw broadcast live from Las Vegas recently – a monster truck soaring in slow-motion over a row of Mini Coopers! Naturally we were shocked and terrified for the safety of the magnificent Mini Cooper automobile, even as we were thrilled by the stirring refrain of the musician Meatloaf’s seminal “I Would Do Anything for Love.” The children were too excited to go to bed that night after the startling conclusion of that truck’s flight over those poor cars! Everything worked out for the best however, as is to be expected when Mini is involved.

ALTERNATE TEXT (just in case this entry is all in English or you fear spoilers from any translators):

We recently purchased a 3-D television and have enjoyed many Family Nights viewing it together. However, nothing compared to what we saw broadcast live from Las Vegas recently – a monster truck versus the indomitable Mini Cooper! Naturally we were shocked and concerned for the integrity of this fine automobile, up against the ferocious power of tires nearly twice its height. We should have known that everything would turn out fine…despite what happened.