Other things Facebook wants Betty White to do.

Over at Asylum Nick Nadel and I hammered out some Fakebook pages to show why the internet should stop asking Betty White for favors. Then we made that dream…a reality.

When Betty White hosted “Saturday Night Live,” it meant Facebook had finally accomplished something other than detonating your privacy and making your junior high crush momentarily remember you.

But success has gone to the heads of Betty White’s fans. Just punch Betty White into Facebook’s search engine, and find scores of pages calling for her to host the Oscars, guest star on “Glee,” and even star in her own porno. And, no, we’re not linking to that, you sick bastard.

We decided to beat Facebook to the punch by predicting the five most ludicrous things Ms. White could be asked to do next.

Click through to see Betty’s possible next moves.

(Click on each image to join the group on Facebook.)

Who doesn’t want to see America’s two cuddliest senior citizens joined in holy union? Surely the president can marry them even if they object, right? That’s probably in one of the early Constitutional amendments.

A longtime animal supporter, Ms. White’s natural next step might be eradicating a horrendous scourge. Since “Heroes” is already canceled, the likeliest candidate would be this epidemic.

Of course, there’s more to America’s favorite Golden Girl than terrible diseases that call into question to the existence of a beneficent God. A large part of Ms. White’s appeal is her kindly nature. She can comfort a child with a skinned knee within five seconds of meeting him, 2.25 times faster than standard octogenarians.

A great deal of her comedy stems from the incongruity of an elderly woman sweetly uttering foul-mouthed obscenities. Let’s take that a step further and apply her frailty to a grueling mission. Laughs galore!

Of course, once we’ve had enough Betty White to fulfill our heart’s desires, there will be nowhere left to take our obsession with this fine lady … except straight to the gutter.

In fact, maybe we’d all be better off if we just let her have a cup of tea with biscotti and an afternoon nap. You can’t demand everything of someone who’s given you so much.

Text by Brendan McGinley and Nick Nadel. Art by Brendan McGinley


Yes, that’s a GrimJack reference I just dropped. I’m not above doing that. And Rue was alive when we did it, so that makes us…slightly less terrible people?