Hey. It’s 5:30 a.m. and I’m going to bed after Photoshopping tattoos onto half a dozen celebrities. I kinda wedged Community into this one because that show is fantastic, and the youth of today don’t know what’s good for them. Because that’s what I do — inform, educate, entertain, and get out of town with the money before the cracks show up. I expect edits since I never curb my feelings on The Jersey Shore, so the real deal is pasted below.
Also, will have a new Cracked column up for you by end of the day.
In The Hangover Part II (out this week, but you already knew that, right?), beloved professional worrywart Stu (Ed Helms) wakes up to find he’s sporting a copy of his old buddy Mike Tyson’s facial tattoo. We liked that gag, so we were going to paste that onto a bunch of celebrities for your entertainment here.
That’s when we learned that the real-life tattoo artist who dared prick Iron Mike’s iron hide is suing the filmmakers for using his tattoo design without permission even though it’s kind of a parody. And while we’ve got deep enough pockets around the ol’ Clutch blog to bring in gum for the entire class any day of the week, we’re not Make a Lawsuit Go Away wealthy.
We thought if we stuck it on a guy who’s known for pure parody, either no one could possibly sue, or everybody would, and somehow the lawsuits would cancel each other out.
So we’re pretty safe, but here’s some extra stuff anyway: a heart left blank so that he can put a spoof of his true love’s name in there, an in-progress tic-tac-toe game, and a ham sandwich, because every other song he writes is about food. The tic-tac-toe was just an inspired moment, though, which is exactly when you should mark your skin forever.
You know who else is hilarious and known for his imitations of pop culture figures? Community‘s Danny Pudi, who dons a new fictional persona every week as Abed Nadir, (it’s a pun!). Abed’s not the only sitcom character with Asperger’s on TV or even in his timeslot, but he’s by far the funniest (suck it, Sheldon Cooper). So what’s on Abed’s mind? We can only conjecture, but after that passionate season finale, we’re guessing it’s Annie Edison.
That, in turn, makes us wonder how actress Alison Brie would brand herself if a lost bet compelled her to get a facial tattoo. Also, we’re three tats in and it’s time for a beautiful woman. And since we don’t know a damn thing about her other than she’s lovely, we’re going to shoot the moon and declare her the officially unofficial celebrity nonspokesperson for Clutch. That’s when your mascot has no idea you’re talking about them or that they’re your internet girlfriend. JUST LOVE US, DAMN YOU. Oh, baby, Clutch is sorry, Clutch didn’t mean to yell, baby-baby, come back, please.
How do you pronounce “Cudi”? All we know is it’s the opposite of how you pronounce Pudi. Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle teaches us that we can never know both the proper pronunciation of one and the tattoo of the other at the same time, so let’s stay focused. Kid Cudi’s had a full life, and it’s left us all the richer, thanks to some of the most introspective rap on the stage. No matter what he does, the guy’s killing it, so the only tattoo worthy of him would be one that automatically approves its own success. The standard-bearer of awesome gets a thumbs up from us.
Speaking of success, nobody has fewer failures than Beyonce and her mellifluous pipes. She’s so gorgeous she’s been 23 years old for 30 years, and she’s a classy dame besides. So where’s the flaw in the diamond? Alas, she’s fond of brand-dropping her products into her songs, and that’s distracting. So we thought a Dereon logo might make for a nice Mardi Gras masque, and that way she wouldn’t have to mention her franchise anymore. We can’t stop looking at her, so we’ll be constantly reminded, while she focuses on belting power pop songs and having legs up to tomorrow.
And finally, there’s Snooki. Three seasons deep, what’s left to say about Snooki? What was there in the first place? The vacuum of The Jersey Shore takes away all words, or even rational observation. In the end, we know this solitary truth, and it is perhaps the profoundest truth there is: Snooki loves pickles.