Two new Clutch posts


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I made fun of two interviews Clutch did, because while they’re working hard, I’m working angry.

Original text below, lest it be amended by Viacom on their site.

 

COLIN FERRELL DOES NOT DRINK WITH FRENCH MONKS

Well here’s something you don’t see everyday: Colin Ferrell. I mean, if you were his girlfriend you probably would, but we’re not pretty enough. (sigh…) Anyway, it being CinemaCon, and us being Clutch, we pressed Mr. Ferrell for details of his phone, which matters to the technoyouth of tomorrow, and his booze, which matters to the Irish. It turns out he does not like Chartreuse, which is another thing you don’t see every day: an Irishman turning down liquor. (Hooray for acceptable racism!)

The reason you don’t see Mr. Ferrell every day is because he plays a nocturnal vampire in Fright Night, a remake of a 1985 movie no one’s heard of. That’s not the movie’s fault, though. Horror films in the eighties were like superhero films in the nowies — three new ones a week. Most of them involved some variation of the Carrie / Jason angle of wronged youth exacting supernatural revenge in a bloody manner, though a few were about carnivorous rabbits.

Whichever option a film went with, it remained some kind of metaphor for puberty. The only exception to this rule is The Thing, which is about the horrors of sharing close quarters with Kurt Russell. So it’s quite likely this Fright Night picture will be an endearing romp about a teenager who suspects his neighbor is a vampire. A sexy, sexy vampire who drinks blood, because again: the Irish don’t turn down a drink.

The lesson here is if you want to protect yourself from Colin Ferrell biting your neck, douse your bloodstream with copious amounts of Chartreuse. Those of you who are under 21 are wicked screwed, though, since kids have no way of getting alcohol. Unless…oh, but a fake ID with the name “McLovin” would never work. Sorry, underagers!

JJ ABRAMS DOESN’T KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON IN SUPER 8 EITHER

Now that jokes about kids not recognizing record players are even older than the last person to make that joke, we need more recently outdated technology to mock. Why not film? It’s stuff that goes in very old cameras, costs a lot of money, and can go wrong at any moment.

What’s that? Oh, I’ve just been handed this piece of paper saying I’ll actually be discussing the film Super 8. Then I’ll be mocking paper, which is an outdated technology for reading posts about JJ Abrams. And then I’ll make fun of Super 8 motels, just ’cause I’m on a roll.

MTV grabbed a few minutes at CinemaCon with Mr. Abrams, or “JJ” to his friends and “J” to his very best friends, to pick his brain about Super 8, which comes out this Friday and is either a touching Spielbergian film about benevolent aliens, or an electrifying Abrams trek through the terrors of the Other. It really all depends on whether you’re pro- or con-murder of convenience store clerks.

We got right to the point and asked Abrams the hard-hitting questions, like “Yo, Abe! Super 8: ‘Sup with that?” and he gave us a very classy answer. In an era when the least accomplished people fire all their engines to infiltrate our brainspace like bed bugs (we’re looking at you, Tia Tequilia), it’s nice to see a guy with 10 projects in the works at any time playing hard to get.

That, or he hasn’t seen the film either. I’m just saying, you all know how Lost ended. They might have just filmed a bunch of weird scenes and then decided to play it as it lands…except for one thing–Kyle Chandler: America’s Dad. You think Coach Eric Taylor is going to let a plot hang open-ended? Let me tell you something, gentlemen, he came here to do a job. Nobody walks off set until that job is completed, do you understand? DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

Yes? GOOD! Then let’s get out there and play some football! Or stop aliens. Or an out-of-control robot? We won’t really know until the 10th. And maybe not even then.

SPOILER: The entire town represents a world created by the collective minds of the Super 8 motel survivors for their souls to find one another in the afterlife and to remember their previous lives together, as revealed in the finale. See? I told you I’d make fun of Super 8 motels, plus that Lost bullshit.