I’m talking turkey all around the web this week:
At some point you should get “Beyond Turducken: Turkey Monstrosities” on Guyspeed, while over at Maxim they’re holding posts for “Strange Foes: Turkeys vs U.S. Postal Service” and “Damn Good Sandwich: Making the Gobbler.”
But happiest to my energies, “Five Facts We Your Teacher Left Out About Thanksgiving” is up at Cracked:
True story about this image: I did two different illustrations of Aaron Burr for You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News, neither of which ultimately ran. Considering how little paid illustration work I have time to do around all the graphic design and writing, a staggering 7% of commissions require me to draw Alexander Hamilton.
UPDATE: Apparently half of entry #2 and all of entry #1 aren’t loading in that column. I’ve tried to fix it, but we’ll see if it takes.
Let’s face it: turkeys have it pretty rough. They let us feed and breed them, blissfully unaware of the inevitable culmination of our kindness: DELICIOUS MURDER. (Even worse? They can’t fly away.) So is it any wonder that they occasionally turn on us?
Maybe they’re just bitter because they start off so cute and end up craggy-faced shingle cases. But if that’s what’s wrong with them, why didn’t they channel their anger into a nobler pursuit like,say, writing comedy for the internet? Regardless, here are 10 birds clobbering humans in unfiltered turkey rage.
‘Terrible Tom’ attacks Duffy Kelly
In what is surely the world’s most famous turkey attack, Sacramento news producer Duffy Kelly investigates reports of wild turkeys harassing joggers. It isn’t long before the turkeys hear she’s been asking too many questions and decide to have a word with her. At the one-minute mark the Feds get involved, dispatching a U.S. Postal truck to take care of this modern-day Dillinger, but the bird will not be swayed. Even after jumping into her car, Kelly is not safe from this devilish delicious dish’s unhealthy interest.
Harvard Turkey Vs. Reporter
Maybe turkeys just don’t like reporters. Here’s a Harvard-educated turkey smart enough to know when reporter Paul Stevens’ tough talk is all bluff. When you look like the turkey other turkeys cross the street to avoid, it’s hard to take anyone’s courage seriously. This is the Freddy Krueger of turkeys if Freddy didn’t have such nice skin. He looks like something astronauts find on the dark side of the moon right before NASA loses radio contact.
Goats Vs. Turkeys
A victim, known only as “Chauntelle” to protect her identity, walks around Turkey Town in a green boot and a white flip-flop, which is asking for trouble. Two juvenile turkeys—unaware that they’re actually middle-aged turkeys because ha ha, Thanksgiving—let her know she’s not welcome round these parts. Fortunately, a couple of goats leap to her rescue. Or come to finish her off. Or maybe just eat the boot. Who can say? Domesticated animals are so weird.
Ron and the Turkeys
Ron got too close to some turkeys in Northern California, and flees, only for them to turn and notice the cameraman…and that’s when you realize these gentlemen are in a horror film.
Redhead vs. Angry Turkey!
Redhead versus Turkey! Who will win in this ongoing game of chicken? Wait—chicken? That can’t be right.
Turkeys Meet ‘The Birds’
Everyone who backs up from a turkey gets pursued for the next half-mile just in case their bones are frail and their blood tastes like corn niblets. This woman shows no fear and cowers from a group of turkeys who surround her like she’s Tippi Hedren in ‘The Birds.’ Upset that she discovered their weakness, the disturbed youth protests, but it’s all a bunch of gobbledygook. The showdown ends in a stalemate. So if you’re going to fight turkeys, do it in the snow where you’re well-padded and they have trouble strutting around.
Little Girl vs. Birthday Turkey
But are turkeys actually dangerous? Or chicken at heart? (Darn it, there’s that word again.) This little girl finds out the truth while her parents look on and laugh.
Cop Vs. Turkey
These thugs even have the police under their talons! In a reversal of every Occupy protest, this clip compilation shows one cop after another fleeing brutal turkey intimidation tactics. Bonus: the clip’s narrated by a Scotsman, the only thing in nature even more fearless and mean than a turkey.
Turkey Traffic Stop
This turkey is so brash, he actually stops traffic. “Lemme see some ID, ma’am. I’m gonna need you to step out of the vehicle, gobble gobble.”
George W. Bush Meets a Turkey
Then again, depending on your politics, maybe turkeys aren’t all bad. Look how this one treats President Bush (four minutes into the video). In fact, we know turkeys aren’t all bad – they’re deliciously good!
Pop Quiz: Lady Gaga Fashion Accessory or Thanksgiving Table Item?
Happy Gobble Day! Or is that Gaga Day? It seems pop music’s leading Lady, who has a new Thanksgiving special, has been decking herself out in any number of objects that could just as easily fit on a Thanksgiving table. Don’t believe us? Just try to guess which is a fashion accessory worn by the songstress and which is an artifact from the dining room.
Take our photo quiz below, and then scroll to the bottom for the answers.
1. Gaga Accessory or Thanksgiving Item?
2. Gaga Accessory or Thanksgiving Item?
3. Gaga Accessory or Thanksgiving Item?
4. Gaga Accessory or Thanksgiving Item?
5. Gaga Accessory or Thanksgiving Item?
6. Gaga Accessory or Thanksgiving Item?
7. Gaga Accessory or Thanksgiving Item?
8. Gaga Accessory or Thanksgiving Item?
9. Gaga Accessory or Thanksgiving Item?
10. Gaga Accessory or Thanksgiving Item?
11. Gaga Accessory or Thanksgiving Item?
Okay! Let’s see how we did…
Numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9-11 were all Gaga fashion.
Happy Gaga, er, we mean Gobble Day!
[Gaga photos courtesy of Getty Images. Food is Wikimedia Commons.]