If that isn’t a “click here” bouquet, I don’t know what is. The last of my MTV Clutch articles are up, meaning you get five articles on the joys of the internet, including one that never made it to print.
5 Batman-Worthy Skateboard Trick GIFs — Includes skate kid vs. car
Weird Out-of-Context TV & Movie GIFs — Sulu gettin’ high every day. MacGyver can make a punch out of a dance move.
Five Funny Pratfall GIFs — Robbie Williams knows how to improvise.
The Best Sexy Clutch Photos of 2011 — It was harder to find any in our “sexy photo” round-ups than you’d think.
Click the more tag to read the original articles, and the apocryphal “Please Be Our GIF-Friend: 5 Girls We’re Instantly in Love With” and the original versions of each article.
FIVE GIRLS WHO WILL MAKE YOU INSTANTLY FALL IN LOVE
There’s an old song — too old to play on MTV, by God! We’ve champagne to pop and Holiday Inns to endorse for a licensed fee! But anyway — an old song that goes, “Hello, I love you, won’t you tell me your name?” And brother, ain’t it the truth. Some dames got so much charm it just takes a slow blink or a toss of hair to make us fall in love with them. These is them dames.
Oh, hello, summer girlfriend! Julija Step doesn’t half-turn before she flashes you a smile that could melt stone. Then she bounces her shoulder, just in case the tossed hair/secret smile combo wasn’t heart-racing enough. You are trying to kill us, Julija Step! Kill us with love!
Who’s Sigrid Agren? Don’t know, and don’t need to. All that matters is amid a flurry of technical preparation where people are busy and bored, she looks out from under a half-pound of fake eyelashes and reveals a shy smile for a moment…and the world holds its breath.
Cintia Dicker is a redheaded Brazilian, which means you’re legally prohibited from not lusting after her. But hold! What deviltry be this? No wanton carnal desires here! She scrunches up into a little hedgehog pose, her fingers actually forming a heart under her chin, and for a second we forget that we’re looking at a nude Cintia Dicker. We’re just lucky guys who did something to make a girl do something adorable.
Holy cow. This might not only feels like the first time we’ve ever seen Community‘s Alison Brie, but the first time we ever looked at a woman in our adult lives. This may be the first time man has ever made eye contact with the female of the species. This is the look Antony got from Cleopatra when he arrived in Egypt. This is what preying mantises see right before they die. If you encountered this in real life, your brain would leak out of your ears.
She’s a charismatic woman is the gist of what we’re getting at here.
And then…there’s this girl. Rosa Kato. You might know her from a bunch of Japanese movies or possibly from the face you have seen every night in your dreams since you were 10 years old. “Oh, hello,” she seems to say, “Are you filming me? That makes me self-conscious, but it’s okay, because I like you!” Why are you such a better person than us, Rosa Kato?
So those are the girls you’re in love with now, or at least kindhearted lust. Now go out and enjoy reality. The universe will furnish one for you in due time.
Brendan McGinley had that.
FIVE BATMAN-WORTHY SKATEBOARD TRICK GIFS
The internet runs on two things: GIFs and Batman (strangely, not so much on GIFs of Batman). So instead of Batman, here are some skateboarding tricks, which, since Batman isn’t real, are the second most awesome thing in the universe. (The first is dames!) And keep searching for GIFs of Batman on a skateboard.
This young fellow doesn’t know he isn’t Batman and forward-flips down an entire flight of cement stairs. The internet is full of clips of people biffing face-first or nuts-forward, but how often do you see something this awesome work out? Answer: never. Because Batman never lets himself be seen.
Then again, this is an extremely Batman move, most likely while battling Sportsmaster.
Could this be Batman? Corey Kennedy pulls off a no-comply, because he doesn’t have to obey physics or gravity. If he wants his board to suddenly reverse its momentum, by golly, that’s what will happen.
Here’s a fairly standard nollie, but it’s awesome because it’s in slow-motion and it’s still hard to see exactly how it works. When your bullet-time move looks like regular speed capture? That’s when you’re Batman.
This kid ollies a car speeding directly at him that obliterates the ramp. Some people cried fake on this one, but you can watch the original video on YouTube and it looks legit. That said: kid, what are you, stupid? Are you crazy or something? You’re not the goddamn Batman.
Brendan McGinley merely aspires to be Bruce Wayne
FIVE FUNNY OUT-OF-CONTEXT GIFS
The internet is awash in GIFs people will recognize as “Popular character acting like popular character.” beyond that are millions more of self-explanatory moments like a beautiful woman being a beautiful woman, an candid reaction, or simply Simon Pegg throwing a child into the bushes. You know: universal stuff.
But occasionally, there arises a GIF which defies explanation. These, friends, are those GIFs.
Our first amazing example is one Mr. R.D. Anderson, an actor and seducer of Bouvier twins. Whilst playing the beloved eponymous character MacGyver, Anderson and his stylish jacket find themselves in what can only be an underground complex devoted to malicious experiments. Understandably, the gentleman MacGyver wishes to egress the compound. But what’s this? What ho! Resistance!
Or not. I mean, it looks like that guy was just about to enter in one of those awkward moments you have at the bank or post office. Imagine not only getting cold-cocked in that situation, but your attacker takes himself out as well for a twin ballet of falling revolutions. And then in jumps some third dork who trips himself just to fit in and look cool. Oh, MacGyver! The only thing you can’t engineer is a way to make us stop loving you.
Outside of Friends, Matt LeBlanc’s world is just orangutans and terrible Married with Children spin-offs. Here he is fighting a cat, which we might all want to do, but we certainly wouldn’t call such an experience Top of the Heap. It’s never your proudest moment fistfighting an animal smaller than you. Unless…is the animal Paulie D?
The internet loves George Takei almost as much as it does Batman. So it’s not surprising that we’d want to see him happy, and not just to hear him coo, “Oh MY!” But man, not like this. Not with the most casually administered drug injection ever. And the way Kirk just nonchalantly refutes his ascent to Heaven…That’s brutal.
John Travolta as a Xenu-worshipping space alien laser-blasting the legs off cows to terrorize manimals one at a time? Sure? Why not, it’s not like today’s going to get any weirder. The real awesomeness is the guy behind him, who weeps for America.
And finally, what the hell, here’s a bewigged Avril Lavigne face-fencing a churro.
And with that, we have reached the end of the internet. Goodnight, everybody!
Brendan McGinley does not show up on film.
FIVE FUNNY PRATFALL GIFS
A pratfall is specifically one plopping down on one’s ass. No faceplants here. We compiled the best fall-down-go-boom shots because we care about your well-being, and laughter is the best medicine. No, that’s a lie: antivirals are. But also, we only did this so we could point at people and laugh at them while they’re down. We’re terrible human beings.
A skateboard? Can’t imagine how this young man will end up on his tuchus. Well, that’s a lie, but we didn’t expect what happens after his rail-slide (or is that fail-slide?) on a table goes vertical.
Man, Robbie Williams might be past his peak, but the man knows how to recover from a pratfall. We’ve never seen such a polished example of “I meant to do that.” He seamlessly segues into the recline, like, “What up, Robbie Williams?” “Oh, just chillaxing here, singing some songs about life. You?” Nicely done, sir.
Two girls in their underwear performing Risky Business is sexy. One girl watching in horror as her friend skull-dents the hardwood floor? Much less so, unless you subscribe to RealTeenCranialTrauma.com. But if that’s your inclination, why don’t you just keep surfing, mister? We have no truck with your particular perversions. Can’t you see there’s a young woman in pain here?
This one’s deliberate, but it’s Mr. T, and if the ’80s taught us anything, it’s that Mr. T makes everything better. Everything. Even finding out your mother’s having an affair. So we’re going to allow it (the GIF, not the affair).
Now for something a little more current. To make a romance work takes a lot of effort, luck, and commitment. But to make a bad romance, all one really needs is a bit of self-destruction, and Lady Gaga shows she has it a’plenty when she tumbles off this piano.
Brendan McGinley goeth before a fall
SEXIEST CLUTCH PHOTOS OF 2011
It’s been quite a year, Clutchsters, and nothing makes us think of Clutch more than sexy ladies (mostly because that’s when we clutch ourselves). We hereby proudly present the sexiest photos we’ve run.
When we decided to run Victoria’s Secret models in goofy outfits, there were a lot of goofy wings, cartoon colors, and queen bee bustles, but Shannan Click not only bucked the imprudence of an outfit that would look better on the hood of a Pontiac Firebird, she made us wish the costume belonged to a real character so we could write inappropriate slash-fiction* about it.
*Or just slash fiction, if you want to avoid redundancy.
Our sexiest women of Arkham City feature had a lot of strong contenders for its entry here, including Catwoman backflipping and knowing that Talia al’Ghul was voiced by the ridiculously sexy Stana Katic. But at the bottom of it all, we’re romantics, and all those villainesses can’t compare to a brainy redhead trying to save the world. Oracle rocks our socks harder in a girl-next-door tee shirt and a bit of talent than any ten crazed killers. Plus…she’s Batgirl.
While most entertainment boobs provided inside coverage of the Emmys, we uncovered entertainment’s inside boobs. And though we really, really wanted to pick Christina Hendricks’s photo as the best in this series, the truth is there is no “inside” boob in a universe where her staggering curvature is everywhere. Thankfully, America’s hot mom, Julie Bowen, give us just a tasteful glimpse and then made us feel less creepy by having a lovely smile. What we came to understand in time was that these feelings were natural, and don’t make us dirty, so long as we treat women with respect while we objectify their bodies.
A fashion show in Aruba? Set course for Sexy Town! We’re suckers for a girl in a captain’s hat, particularly when that’s 40% of her outfit.
When fighting the corporate oligarchy that keeps us all embedded in serfdom, and strips rights apolitically to better mine exponential wealth from perceived derivatives before cascading the inevitable compaction back down to the masses they treat like so much fertilizer…it’s…woah! Heavy. Thank goodness the beautiful are here to distract us from our own immobility at Occupy Wall Street. We had Amanda Seyfried look-alikes, sexy cops, Liz Lemon, and what we’re pretty sure was the girl with the dragon tattoo. But nobody dazzled us more than the girl with the iridescent hair.
Speaking of purple hair, there was plenty of it at New York Comic-Con, and some scarlet hair too, on what we’re pretty sure was the actual Red Sonja, not just a cosplayer. But our pick goes to Psylocke, because…wow, it takes a lot to come out looking just like a Jim Lee drawing but sexier.
We won’t lie, most of our zombie ladies roundup was actually a horrifying gallery of amputees, rotting flesh, and what’s left of Jenna Jameson. But this gothy girl is not only cute, she carries her own axe and noose just in case, uh…she needs to trick other zombies into a murder-suicide pact? We won’t ask questions.
Sexy flappers? Why, SAY! That’s like making moonpie-eyes at your grandmamma, fellers! By golly, it just isn’t right, and yet…try to tell us this glamorous gal isn’t bearing one of the loveliest backs in all 6000 years of history (which is how old the Earth was in 1920). And in a list that includes Milla Jovovich, that’s saying something.
When we galleried the sexy stewardesses of Pan Am, we didn’t know where to begin. Well, we did, but we played golf rules and handicapped tiny Christina “Big Eyes” Ricci and her luscious locks to level the playing field. Say, speaking of flappers, is she the living embodiment of Betty Boop, or what? Anyway, this picture of Kelli Garner’s button nose has a lot of weird contrasts in it, and weird is interesting, which, in turn, is sexy. That’s what we tell ourselves every time we try to make a hat out of creamed corn…to impress the ladies.
Who looks best in a flannel shirt? That’s no surprise to anyone: Ellen Page. Juno, you can sell our baby to Jennifer Garner anytime!
…Oh God, our baby!
Tennis outfits are implicitly hot: short, flared skirts, little ankle socks, lots of leg on display, and some mighty powerful arms encircling tight tank tops. Plus: pony tails! Nobody embodies this HOV lane to our pituitary like Ana Ivanovic.
Brendan McGinley looks terrible in a tennis skirt.