Awful Sex Injuries | New Cracked Column

I have the best job in the non-making-love-to-Raquel-Welch-circa-1961-for-money world, and this week it’s all about the horrible things that occur to your genitals that aren’t viruses and bacteria: Seven Agonizing Sex Injuries

It’s about one of my favorite topics ever — PAIN! And also sex. Pardon me, but do you have any you could spare?

Personally, I find sex richer when it’s mentally anguished rather than physically, which is why ladies often ask me what they’re doing wrong. (Answer: “Not being my ex-girlfriend. LOL!” Tears.) But that’s not just a sex thing. I get a lot of strangers walking up to me and asking what’s wrong. Usually, nothing; I’m just thinking hard about something, such as tying my shoes. But other times I want to ask them if they’ve been paying attention to the last ten years. Either way, when strippers and Republicans tell you you have darkness inside you, something is truly, terribly wrong.

And don’t think I forgot about Fatty Arbuckle, internet. I looked him up for the article. It’s only that I doubt he did anything with a Coke bottle or an icicle, and whether or not they did have sex, there’s a lot to indicate she died of aggravation of other wounds/conditions.

Anyway, here’s some material that fell off the article for you. Despite citation of Darwin Awards and a few people saying they remember it happening, I just couldn’t verify it. The worst part is I know it’s real. I’ve found a few people saying they confirmed it on Reuters or the Telegraph’s site, but…ahh, I dunno. Maybe I just didn’t want to make jokes about a drunk woman’s pointless death. I mean, I joke about death all the time, in a “laugh or scream to repel the horror” way, but it was hard to find an angle talking about this that wasn’t just “Haw haw U R dead.” So maybe I was looking for an excuse to ditch it.

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An intoxicated woman in Australia (so basically: a woman in Australia) drowned while–*ahem!*–going down under. The recipient enjoyed it so much (and was also drunk) that he didn’t notice until it was too late, although according to him she never tried to surface. She was six times Australian over the legal limit and may have passed out. This happened in Darwin, Australia, because the Fates are insensitive jerks.

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EDIT TO ADD: Apparently people find it confusing and poorly written. At least 98% of that is my confusing, poorly written style, but re-reading the piece just now, there are abbreviations and addenda that I didn’t put in there. So…I know how to spell, is what I’m getting at.

The two lines that appeared this morning are both in the first entry:
“And really, we’re with the dead relative how sent a tombstone tumbling onto her with ghost physics”
“Even I can admit that being dead is almost as bad as being a college students, since it lasts even longer.”
And even though those are the only two changes I noticed re-reading it, they’re also the two biggest typos and before you even get to the second entry.

So everything else that’s ugly in there you can pin on me. Part of why I love Cracked. Succeed or fail, it’s your vision.