New Cracked column: Five Things Girls Should Know about Nice Guys   Recently updated


Please enjoy this image of John Edwards as Pazuzu that I spent an hour Photoshopping

  • [Caveat: since I wrote this, the connotations around “nice guy” catapulted from “frustrated celibate who lacks the software” to “rage-monster who thinks women owe him sex, so keep the premise in mind, but the message remains the same: it’s not her, dude, it’s you.]

Cracked ran the headline as “Things Girls Don’t Seem to Understand about Nice Guys,” which is small but mansplainy difference I don’t super love compared to “Should Know,” but either way it’s not actually aimed at women. That’s just camouflage to write a letter to myself at 17 saying  “Maybe it’s you, not them, ya doof. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing if you can grow up. Also: here are some dark jokes that will illustrate my point by negative example.”

So if you like jokes about painful sex and double homicide, this is the satirical advice essay for you. But if you like advice about those things, these are not the jokes for you.