I Wrote a Better State of the Union


The State of the Union is an annual event when our leaders gather to prove their elderly knees still work by rising to a standing ovation every three sentences. If they’d just sit down and keep silent, it would be over an hour earlier, giving them a jumpstart on productivity before their bedtime.

Anyway, America can no longer afford a rock, so I decided to kill two birds by throwing them at one another.  Presented at Cracked are my solutions weird enough to resolve America’s biggest problems. You can have them for free, Obama.

Oh, and while I was at it, I invented the martial art of Spinjitsu: it’s like gymkata, but you don’t have to stand up. The article’s thoroughly (and well) edited, so you won’t see that bit, or where I suggest blowing up TMZ, but maybe down the road I’ll post the raw version here.

Edit: Apparently I lifted spinjitzu from my nephew’s favorite TV show. Please don’t sue, Lego.