A Gentleman’s Guide to Football


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New this weekend over at Cracked is my account of the history of football and dog-strangling, A Shadow History of American Football. You may recognize it as the most insane explanation of football to ever make the sport more confusing to you.

This turned out better than I expected.

I hope somebody besides me enjoys the oddball lists, because I’m not about to stop inserting them into articles. My original list was pretty close to what I ended up putting on the map:

  • The Bronx Murderers
  • The Albany Jabberwockies
  • The Boston Clam-Splitters
  • The Saskatchewan Apathy
  • The Wind-Blown Gypsies (unattached to any city, this permanent visiting team changed its name to the Cardinals and has not been seen since 1951)
  • The Omaha Klansmen
  • The Seattle Gungywamps
  • The Washington Displaced Indigenous Peoples
  • The Gotham Lunatics
  • The Kentucky 6 Drumstick & 4 Breast Value Buckets
  • The Henderson Tallywacker Poonsplatters
  • The United Dakotas Graverobbers
  • The Austin Christ It’s Hot, Let’s Go Insides
  • The Mountain Meadows Massacre
  • The Los Angeles Quitters (only played 3 games, sparsely attended)
  • The Appalachia Taily-Poes
  • The Kansas City Yes, but Which Kansas City Do You Means?
  • The Texan Texans of Texas, by God, Texas
  • The Las Vegas Gamethrowers
  • The Cleveland Unbelievably Racist Mascots
  • The Parallel Earth Cleveland Racist against White People Mascots with Goatees

You know, spacing and such.