Cracked: The Gettysburg Redress

I said some things about America and how we should all just lighten up. Then I ignored my own advice by making it preachy instead of funny, but it involves shaved bears, so I think everybody got what they came for.



(and plenty of it — redacted because none of it’s worth reading and it’s just blah blah  )

Prior to the internet’s making him a one-liner machine, Chuck Norris was mostly remembered for terrible action movies and the hilarious drama of Walker, Texas Ranger. The best thing he ever did in his career was get his ass kicked by Bruce Lee.



Did you watch the Country Music Awards? I sure didn’t, because mainstream country warble-panders to its audience with so much suction power that most acts have replaced the traditional slide-guitar with a lamprey. And if you heard what country does with slide-guitar, you know that’s an improvement.

But that’s no worse than any other genre of music that makes the Billboard charts. If you’ve listened to music at all in the last 60 years, you know there are only 13 songs on the radio, and 15 of them are terrible.

But that’s one great thing about America—there’s a version for everybody! If you don’t like Hank Williams Jr., you can go hear a Hank III album set the speakers on fire at the less crowded bar next door. And I no more care what music you enjoy than I care what you think of Obamacare, because both have forgotten their origins, and we all have to live with it.

If you had watched it, you might have had a good chuckle at a skit mocking Obamacare’s crappy website. You would not, however, have laughed as hard as the audience—a bunch of millionaires who sell music about the hardships of being poor mocking efforts to alleviate the hardships of being poor.

“HO HO HO! Registering for previously unattainable coverage is slower for poor people than those of us who don’t need it thanks to corporate patronage!”

This crap goes on all the time. I don’t watch the Oscars either, because I care more about pork belly prices than I do whether someone leading an already charmed life wins a trophy.

Pork belly can be eaten, and is therefore more valuable to me than gold statues I will never touch.

But people there think winning an award for pretending well means it’s time to call for an impeachment.


This pedantic fuck, whose name I assume is Bitchface McLiberal:


This country was founded on compromise (although no one ever adds how shameful some of those compromises were). Still, they got the job done because people could agree to disagree. Although some people could only agree 3/5ths of the way via their unelected representatives, but you get the idea.

But that was back in the day of the gentleman farmer.


Pennsylvania’s Patriot News called the address “the silly remarks of the President.”

Confederates buried in shallow graves.

Everett’s speech said basically the same thing.


Because as long as people have opinions, there will be a troll there to disagree with them, and a more educated person to correct them…just like the troll wanted.


Don’t want Iran making weapons-grade plutonium? Offer to build them a thorium reactor maintained by a foreign coalition if they agree to something we want.

Then maybe we can get one here.


For example: find me ten normal people in this country who think the teen pregnancy rate is too low. Nobody, right? Right. That would be insane. But not as insane as letting kids get knocked up or diseased even though that horrifies you, because it satisfies your moral principles.

But that’s exactly what happens with the debate over abstinence-only education. Abstinence is the only 100% effective method of preventing pregnancy and disease, and therefore the most sensible thing to teach kids! However teens’ ability to practice it is not so good.

Bristol Palin is a woman whose mother raised her to practice sexual abstinence. Cool, that’s a 100% effective method of preventing pregnancy and diseases! That is the most sensible thing to teach kids! However teens’ ability to practice it is not so good. Correlations, if not causation, suggest we should also teach them to use these magical wrapping papers that stop both Death & Life like the hand of God Almighty. Bristol Palin is an example of the inefficacy of abstinence


But keep fighting that fictional war on Christmas, kiddo!

Palin should go on a speaking tour with Jenny McCarthy, and nine months after the anti-vaccine lies kill a pile of babies, their grieving mothers can adopt all the unplanned babies whose teen mothers can’t afford them because Bristol Palin told them

Because there are no statistics that even remotely back up either of their stupid crusades. In Palin’s case, she doesn’t even have anecdotal evidence. She and her baby are living proof that abstinence-only education doesn’t work, and she’s made a career out of advising young women to follow her exact path.

A strong correlation suggests we should also teach them to use these magical wrappings that stop both Death & Life like the hand of God Almighty. And it’s fine if your beliefs say birth control is wrong or you’re just skeeved at the thought of your kid boning, but don’t pretend that you’re still debating the best way to prevent pregnancy and disease when you’re really concerned with .


It’s true at the White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner, America gathers to laugh at its foibles…its crimes…its old white men rapping in a major way. But they’re not really laughing at themselves there. They’re laughing at everything they’re getting away with.


Some things are hilarious because they are TERRIBLE. Laugh or scream.