Full version of last year’s Cracked State of the Union

Last year I wrote a State of the Union with some suggestions for real change in America. But did you know there was a fifth entry? It was very vindictive. 

Mr. O’Brien, Mr. O’Brien, Emperor Wong, members of Cracked, distinguished readers, spambots, trolls, and easily offended moms here by accident from Facebook–

Thank you for joining me in The Cracked State of the Union.

(pause for applause)

(pause grows awkward in length)

*cough* You know, last night I gave a State of the Union speech over in Kyrgyzstan. And I thought THEY knew how to govern…

(pause for boos. Boos become excessive and frighteningly violent. After a scuffle, security removes several Uzbeks from the audience. They are replaced by Leonardo DiCaprio, eagerly hoping to win an Academy Award, but he loses to a potted plant.)

Ahem! So I thought Kyrgyzstan knew how to govern…But NOBODY governs like America!

(rock ‘n’ roll solo squeals out. Crowd goes wild, as it should.)

…But you’ve forgotten that, my fellow Americans. You forgot how hard you rock, and you gave in to fear. You fear America’s powers are in decline. You fear this country is crumbling to enemies both domestic and foreign. You fear there’s nothing you can do about it, or worse: that you can, but it requires effort.

In fact, you fear so many things, you forgot the one thing you should be afraid of: letting down the Batman of nations. So let me ask you a question, Sniffles O’Buttercup–are you going to sit there posting Facebook statuses about how hard you weep for this country, or are you going to sack up, cinch in, and light this patriotism shit off?

Look, I won’t lie to you; America’s bleeding. But you can either cry about the America we have, or you can help build the America we want. The best way to do the latter is by solving one problem with another. Therefore I am proposing Congress turn the following weaknesses into strengths:

Obesity + Power Shortages + Unemployment = Green Power

Jesus Diabetes Christ, America, you’ve let yourself go. You’re so fat when you sit around the house, you sit around the ICU ward recuperating from your fifth coronary. I don’t want to kick you while you’re down, but I honestly can’t tell if you’re down or up now that you’re a perfect sphere. The average American’s weight has gone up so much since the ’40s that birth certificates now give the option of MALE, FEMALE and HAM MONSTER.

[img:obese.jpg] <br/ >When you’re sweating corn syrup, it’s time for the nation to reconsider its lifestyle.

Sure, it’s because we’re eating badly. Like, <target=”c” href=”#Standard_American_Diet”>really badly. So badly that science now recognizes sodium nitrate as a blood type. But it’s also because air conditioning allows us to stay inside playing video games instead of sweating it all out on the football field, bleeding and losing teeth like people did when they still knew how to have fun. So now you’re fat and you need MORE air conditioning to prevent mold from thriving under your clammy breasts. Your clammy…still, strangely, sexy…man-breasts. I–what? Look, whatever, that’s not the point. Folks, it’s a drain on the electricity, and it’s going to stop.

The Solution

America’s already suffering from rolling power outages and we can’t have that. Unemployment is too high already, and now you want to send the people with jobs home to make the obesity and energy problems worse?

Wasting electricity is an American tradition, and we’re not about to give that up. But this obesity thing has got to go, so let’s take everyone who doesn’t have a job and stick them on a stationary bike wired up to a capacitor. Their efforts will power a massive game of Mario Kart, and the high scorer for the day gets a $50 bonus on their paycheck.

Is it inefficient? Hell yeah, if your only goal is to generate electricity, but we’re reducing fossil fuel consumption while forging an army of road warriors. After a few 30-90 minute shifts under medical supervision, we’ll have an America ready to kick some ass in both video games and Spinjitsu, the martial art for bikes.

The bottom really fell out of the market for gym-based espionage 25 years ago.

The bottom really fell out of the market for gym-based espionage 25 years ago.

The bonus is it will clear whole packs of scumbag recreational bicyclists from our nation’s auto lanes, no longer struggling to pass one another, as they dream of clearing Lance Armstrong’s name and earning his friendship.

Second Amendment Debate + Ecological Decline = A Safer Nation

It’s not the president’s place to interpret or rewrite the second amendment, so rest assured, no one is taking your guns away. Although if they did, what are you scared of? That’s precisely why you have a gun, you sexy well-regulated militia, you. A gun will defend your home from any threat except the stormtrooper kicking down your door, because he has a much sweeter gun issued to him by the New World Order. And assuming he leaves you alive but disarmed, then you’re vulnerable to–oh my, all manner of burglars, caribou, and teenagers.

The Solution

Meanwhile, this debate is distracting attention from the very real ecological havoc caused by global warming, and thousands upon thousands of species stand to lose their habitat. That’s why every home will be issued its own endangered beast. Not only will you enjoy the protection and wrasslin’ matches of a big ol’ honking wolf, lion, or cinema’s Gary Busey…you’ll guarantee a future for these beasts and their prey, since you can’t put a price on home security, and feeding these things ain’t cheap.

I know what you’re thinking: “Won’t the invader just bring a tiger to a lion fight? Will weapons manufacturers shift production to dangerous new species like the manticore, the sharktogon, and the nuclear skink?”

Don’t be absurd. Have you ever tried to drag a rhino across town and coerce it into a burglary? They’re not going anywhere they don’t want to–and even if they do, statistically speaking, most rhinoceros crime is non-violent fiscal fraud. Your enemy’s best bet is still to bring a gun, and science has yet to invent the firearm that beats Armed Homeowner Riding a Polar Bear.

[img:knut.jpg] <br/ >Like you wouldn’t trade all your guns to be best friends with a polar bear.

What about assailants you can’t reason with? If you live in a rural area, you won’t have to worry about being beset by wild animals since we’ve already tamed all the dangerous ones. And even if we miss a few, no coyote is dumb enough to attack a person walking their pet bobcat. So foster an endangered killing machine today!

Terrorism + Cultural Decline = Elevated Discourse

Look, we all know the odds of dying in a terror attack are slim to [number of athletes Kim Kardashian wouldn’t fuck for attention]. Statistically speaking, you’re more likely to be killed by a shark made of lightning than a terrorist. And it’s not because those goons aren’t trying. It’s because we have a kickass security net made of spies, SEALs, and cyborg super-soldiers who don’t officially exist yet. Nevertheless, statistically, a few attacks are going to slip through our defenses.

The Solution

If terrorists are going to kill a small number of Americans in a very public way, we need to put that to work for us. Let’s lure them to hotbeds of domestic terrorism so wickedly western, we can all agree they must be smote from the Earth. May I suggest a TMZ broadcast?

Perhaps you’ve never heard of TMZ because you’re not from America, or you are a happy person. I’ll try to explain: this gossip site encourages reporters and random citizens to harass people in the entertai–no, hold on, that’s not clarifying anything. Okay, picture the most savage kids you went to high school with kicking a stillborn baby in a circle. That’s TMZ.

[img:fuckharveylevin.jpg] <br/ >The greatest contribution host Harvey Levin could make to the world would be dying someplace where his remains don’t pollute local water supplies.

As a website, it’s awful. But as a TV show, it causes cancer in lab rats and the scientists who dissect them. If a pregnant woman watches TMZ on TV and doesn’t miscarry, Vatican scholars start dying of mysterious nosebleeds before they can warn the Pope.

This program rewards its paparazzi for ambushing strangers with hostile behavior, so it’s exactly like a terror network minus the respectable aspects like moral conviction or engineering ability. In terms of production value TMZ is indiscernible from terrorist propaganda: grainy camera work, some dull-witted turd making inflammatory statements, and a hostage who just wants to go home.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend, right? Imagine if we could lure terrorists into gassing the TMZ studios with phosgene during a segment about some Baywatch alum’s varicose veins! Would they still hate America when we all woke up that day to a brighter world? Or would we watch together as the writhing bodies of the TMZ crew slow to a twitching mass, and realize we’re not so different after all?

[img:phosgene.jpg] <br/ >Fun for the whole family!

The Income Gap + Cultural Divide + Overpopulation = A Unified America

These days, America is a divided house in most any room you care to enter. Economically, the middle class is vanishing faster than the whiskey at an Irish wake. Politically, the internet is seeping into real life, and now politicians just stand around calling each other gay Nazis. And as for religion: we can’t even enjoy a nice holiday season without one side or the other pretending be offended by how we wish one another peace and joy the wrong way.

But one thing we all know: there are more Americans now than ever before, and since none of us can survive outside of big box stores for more than a fortnight, resources are getting tighter. That’s not good news, since the New England Complex Systems Institute recently linked riots to a single factor.

[img:foodriot.jpg] <br/ >Their research was supported by the New England Actually Quite Simple Systems Institute.

That’s right—come summer, rising prices trigger the food fight to end all food fights and also millions of human lives. What’s a good patriot to do? Nothing but watch The Enemy Within devour the amber waves of grain? Or fight back, and squirt out a horde of Duggars like it’s some sort of cultural arms race?

Answer: both! The future of America, like its past, is going to be one of compromise.

The Solution

I’m just going to say it, we’re going to have to become a nation of swingers.

Although the trend has dipped, the poor have more kids because condoms waste money meant for cigarettes, whereas rich people have very few children. In upper society it’s considered good form to pull out and finish in a sack of money. Of course, we all know that’s literally a flimsy excuse when the real reason for their impotence is rich guys can afford all the cocaine.

But you know what rich people hate even more than having children? Tax hikes. And why shouldn’t they? They’re currently suffering through the worst tax levels since…uh…okay, not so much. But that just means taxes are going to go up soon! See? Tax hikes, grrrrr!

So here’s the deal, and it’s a good one: if your personal income is $150k or above, you unlock the Polygamy Badge. It permits you a gross income tax break of 7% for each spouse you marry, BUT: you can only marry someone who earned $26,000 or less for the last five years, and has religious or political beliefs that make you laugh one of those rich person laughs.

[img:richlaugh.jpg] <br/ >Oh yeah, that’s the one.

This is a win for everybody: now the spouses can take up better hobbies than reproduction, like polo–the gentleman’s orgasm! Their kids finally get a successful role model and a house with better flavors of paint than lead. And you get a gift certificate from the government to enjoy a plethora of sexual partners.

But the real winner here is America! Because as your hate-sex slowly turns into a tender love affair, you’ll stop despising all their perceived differences, and instead start despising the million little reasons all spouses want to kill each other.

Congressional Deadlock + Illegal Immigration = Effective Government

For decades now, Congress has belabored the fact that America suffers from freeloaders who drain our resources. These parasites put zero into the system even as they suckle on benefits paid for by real, hard-working Americans.

Not illegal immigrants. Those guys work hard. I’m still talking about Congress. That’s why all of the legislative branch is fired, effective immediately.

Don’t act like you’d care. Sure, there are a few good ones in there, but not enough to have any effect, obviously. You could probably replace them with one of those algorithm robots that organize Walmart’s warehouses, and get a better country. If you put the whole of Congress in a rowboat with a map to safe harbor, half of them would row in circles and the other half would sell the boat to Goldman Sachs for kindling. And they would all refuse rescue so they could blame the other party for their untimely drowning.

The Solution

Now obviously we’re going to need someone to write some laws every couple of decades. And that’s where the 62% Mexican sector of illegal immigrants can help. Did you know a recent study found that 99.9% of luchadors are Mexican? Lucha libre wrestlers kick exactly the kind of ass we need kicked to effect real change in Washington.

For starters, they’re go-getters, okay? They don’t waste nine months campaigning and compromising. When a luchador wants a title, he finds the guy who has it and pins him. It’s survival of the fittest, and it only takes ten minutes. Think of the efficiency! In that amount of time your current Congress can barely break more than seven or eight promises.

But the big advantage is luchadors’ identities are concealed – often their own families aren’t even aware. Special interest groups are going to have a devil of a time influencing the vote of a man who can vanish by pulling his face off.

[img:elhijodelsanto.jpg] <br/ >And one of them is a saint.

Other times, a politician might vote against his own judgment just to cut a deal or get back at another politician. Luchadors have more honor than that. The only time a luchador flips his position is to better leg-lock his opponent. And if a wrestler betrays his partner, you won’t see the wounded party take a dive next week as revenge.

Maybe you’re not convinced. After all, what do these heroes know about legislation? But ask yourself this: how could they do any worse, America? At least luchadors know they’re real men, and wouldn’t lurch the nation into eight years of unnecessary war because they’re afraid of being called soft.

[img:108.jpg] <br/ >There is no pipe rusty enough to thank the 108th Congress for its service to this country.

Since only natural born citizens can run for president, they’ll get out there and govern fearlessly, without worrying about their record. And there are clear-cut heroes, or faces (Spanish: technicos) and villains, also known as heels (Sp: rudos). This easy classification system means we can dispense with the endless debates, and say goodbye to the unbearable pussyfooting of the Democratic Party (Sp: putas) and hello to a Republican Party (Sp:Sith Lord) that finally admits it just wants to crush someone weaker.

Obviously, that still leaves 11 million illegal immigrants without a Congressional gig, but I trust our luchador legislators will grant them their chance at the American dream and all the taxes that accompany it. Meanwhile, they can assess heavy fines on employers who hire under the table and circumvent the tax system.

In conclusion, ask not what your country can do for you; ask what it’s doing to you with your own tax dollars. Don’t be afraid to speak up, don’t be afraid to fail, don’t be afraid to be hurt, don’t be afraid to be kind, and be very afraid of the manticore. Thank you, and may God bless all this weirdness.

Brendan watched a shapely redhead give 30 Rock‘s Dot Com a yoga lesson. He’s on Twitter @brendanmcginley, keeping America safe.