Just 27 Days Till You’re Enjoying a Gobbler!


2 Flares Twitter 1 Facebook 0 Google+ 1 Reddit 0 StumbleUpon 0 Email -- 2 Flares ×

Since Maxim‘s gone bloodless and removed their voluminous content from their site, it falls to me to remind you that there are just 27 days until you can gnash your teeth into the greatest thing America’s invented: the gobbler! Here’s my article for them, which I rescued, because I am wonderful and handsome. 

We already told you how to make the best turkey sandwich on Earth, which we would eat 363 days of the year. The two exceptions are: Thanksgiving, because we’ve got an entree to attack, and the day after Thanksgiving, when the fridge is loaded with leftover bread, meat and root vegetables begging you to make a sturdy sammich. So dig in there, grab anything that looks good, and enjoy the Gobbler, this all-leftover edition of Damn Good Sandwich. If it takes you more than five minutes to make, you’re doing it wrong.

The Essentials:

Bread: We like a delicious table roll, which is usually ignored Thanksgiving Day, because who’s going to fill up on bread when that turkey’s there begging you to give it an honorable death? Or if you can acquire a cranberry walnut bread at the local supermarket, you’re aces. If you can’t get it there, steal a loaf from a local widow’s windowsill. If you are unable to find a fresh widow, here is a recipe. Now throw that recipe out–men don’t bake! That’s too useful a skill for the modern male. The only three things you should know how to do are shave, change a flat, and ask other men if they’ve seen The Wire.

Meat: Turkey or GTFO. Most people think they need a juicy breast piece, but dark meat is excellent in a sandwich, and anyway, this is where you’re going to put all those shredded scraps that would otherwise meet a terrible fate, like going in a casserole or being eaten by someone who made this sandwich before you. Salt lightly. You probably won’t even need to, but it will bring out the flavor and moisture a little bit after a day in the fridge. Just remember to save some salt for the open wound of your Dad calling to apologize for drunkenly ruining another Thanksgiving.

Vegetables & Fixings

This is the best part because you can load it with whatever wasn’t good enough to eat by itself. You’d be amazed how well Thanksgiving’s redheaded stepdishes do in a sandwich.

Mashed Potatoes: Spoiler alert: This sandwich is going to have gravy. Don’t let it die alone. Let it be with taters one last time. Some people say potatoes don’t have much flavor. I say this is a genius way to put  butter and cream in a sandwich. That’s the whole point of potatoes, man: absorbing other flavors. The mashed potato is to this sandwich what Rogue is to the rest of the X-Men — on her own, she’s just an Academy Award-winning actress, but together she can steal their juice and do incredible things. Also, we find both Rogue and mashed potatoes sexually enticing. Um…okay, that got weird. Here’s a different subject! Try sweet potatoes for a little more candy in that dandy sandy…wich. Look, it’s hard to be clever when you’re thinking about a sandwich that’s two days away. Okay, that’s a lie, we were thinking about wrestling Rogue in a tub of mashed potatoes.

Stuffing: Potato’s best friend is also its opposite number. Herby bread soaked in fat and then baked? Show no reserve! It’s called stuffing for a reason. Plus, it’s got onions, so that’s like healthful. This is the City Hall of flavor, and you can’t have a gobbler without it.

Brussels sprouts: are surprisingly good for crunch if you slice them in half. They’re also good for making everyone at the adults’ table talk about how they hate Brussels sprouts, and who keeps making these anyway? Well now you know: they’re just chilling out till they can jump in a sandwich.

Carrots: You might be tempted, but don’t! They’ll bring a bitter note that doesn’t fit. Put ’em on the side and enjoy them at sandwich-halftime.

Condiments: There are two. I recommend combining them for a salty and sweet tastesplosion so powerful, it’s illegal to take this sandwich across international lines.

Cranberry: A bit of cranberry jelly goes great on this sandwich, but what’s even better? Cranberry-orange relish.  If you have a meat grinder or a low-speed blender, you can make it five minutes before Thanksgiving dinner. Just add 1 bag of cranberries, a whole orange (quartered), and enough sugar to give a bear diabetes. Stir well.

Gravy: Good gravy! That’s good gravy.

Cheese: In a gobbler? Be serious, son.

Preparation: Put ingredients between bread. There. You’re done. Did you think there would be anything else? This is a leftovers sandwich. Enjoy!

Brendan McGinley is in it for the pie.