Rejected Cracked Pitches: Two Donald Trump Pieces


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Two rejected pitches from this year as you go out to vote, as they were submitted to my betters. Thought it might be neat to take a peak into the sausage-making process.

A Guide to Third-Party Candidates

I really wanted this one to fly, I’ve had the idea for years of nominating a dog to the presidency, and campaigning on messages we can all back, like “Dog Like you. Why Not Dog?” and arguing it couldn’t be any worse if we chased our collective tails for four years. At least we wouldn’t be continuing to screw up the world. Alas, ’twas not to be. Also, I think a Cena/Rock ticket would be a beautiful union of  the “Unexpected Cena” meme, this “Love Has No Labels” speech, and the Rock’s limitless likability.  It was pitched to Cracked like so:

With “third party candidates 2016” a rising google trend and Stein/Johnson actually making some electoral headway, I’d like to compile a complete guide to the also-rans and why they would/wouldn’t make a good president. This would be different from Aaron’s piece about 50 better nominees because they’re all real, with the possible exceptions of a surprise John Cena/Rock ticket and a dog, who would be the only candidate we can all agree on and trust (Dog’s positions on the issues would also be the most reasonable and forward-thinking but by very childlike logic).

Section 1: Complete list (or a major list) — possibly winnowing it down to viable candidates. Brief intro with zingers razzing each one with varying degrees of vinegar (obviously it’s both barrels for the racist parties vs. a condescending pat on the head for the unrealistic dreamer types).
Sections 2-6+ would compare them on the major issues: weed, abortion, war, environment, crime, and why it would be a carnival of chaos if they had their way. Mostly. I’ll yield to something that sounds reasonable and backed by stats. All the while setting up Dog as the perfect candidate…
Concluding paragraph: We are absolutely screwed no matter what, even if we vote dog, but how would a dog be any worse than our main options? At least Congress can’t say no to her puppy-dog eyes.

How Back to the Future II Predicted Trump’s America

It’s well known these days that Donald Trump was the basis for Biff Tannen. But one thing I never saw in all of last year’s “How much did BttF get right?” articles was whether it accurately predicted a Trump America.
Basically, this is a pitch that takes the filet mignon cut out of those two articles from last year’s T-bones, and models how fucked we’d be, because neither of those gaudy bastards has the least idea of how to run anything. Using the movie as a sandbox, I’d outline the ways we’re all going wrong, and posit that Marty McFly IS America, knowing Biff is the worst, but unable to lower his pride when anyone calls us chicken or weak.

The Horrifying Implication of Back to the Future pt. II

Or, Things We Can Expect from a Trump Presidency (Based on Back to the Future Pt. II)

Salient points:

We know Biff = Trump & Hill Valley = America

Alternate ’85 Biff Tannen was based on Donald Trump, then mainly known as the epitome of half the ‘80s: dumb, gaudy, materialistic, and mean.

Hill Valley itself is a microcosm of America…or rather,  a microchron: it was the western frontier, then the rock ‘n’ roll era, then the rockin’ ‘80s, then predicted the linked tech-and-retro-obsessed ‘10s, laden with media.

Bttf pt II was really good at predicting the future

We never see Alternate Biff by 2015. However, we do see A-85 Biff wield disproportionate power, effectively remaking Hill Valley into a shrine to himself. This is a good preview of how his march to power would continue, given 30 years to expand his brand.

Biff sucks resources away from the rest of town and into his personal temple. This turns even the parts of Hill Valley that he hasn’t personally made trashy into a dangerous, depleted slum. He fouls his own seat of power and depletes the surrounding area. It doesn’t matter that Hill Valley won’t survive; it will feed Biff for as long as he needs it to.

Bttf pt II was also really good at explaining the present

The message is clear: the wealth will flow to the wealthy, and the poor will starve to fight among themselves. And if you stand in his way, you’re a loser and a chicken.

Analysis of Trump’s real estate holdings on the area around them, especially and/or specifically the casinos.

Immediate implications

Biff’s enemies are either dispatched violently (George McFly) or expelled to the ghetto (Strickland). Trump himself has said he could shoot a man in the street and still get elected.

If Hill Valley and the span of the trilogy are a model version of America, then we’re looking at an exponential version of the hell depicted in A-85, essentially given 31+4 years to grow since Trump didn’t really hit his fiscal stride until 25 years after Biff. Sure they were both casino owners by the mid-‘80s, but Biff built his empire before he turned 18.

A look at A-15 would probably see Biff president after pulling some dirty tricks. He probably can’t assassinate his opponent, but he certainly wouldn’t pull any punches and respect the traditional discourse. This is a man whose entire discourse consists of screaming, insulting both foe and friend, and saying the dumbest possible shit while attempting to look clever, and right now you don’t know if I’m talking about Biff or Trump. All that’s left is for Trump to tell Hillary “Make like a tree…you’re fired.”

long-term Terrifying implication

But what if…BttF isn’t just a model version of our reality? What if the simulacrum represents the greater truth? Maybe our timeline has been derailed and BttF is all that remains of that world, a more fluid, historically correct reality trying to reassert itself?

We almost had real hoverboards…instead we get power-hogs that can only work on a small track. The Cubs almost won the World Series this year. Businesses still insist on using fax machines, though, that part’s still intact.

Guys, what if Donald Trump went back to the 1950s and counseled his dad to make massive windfalls, bilking the government in profiteering?

Dehydrated pizza can be yours! Fight, brethren! Restore the optimism taught to you by Back to the Future!

Flotsam thoughts:

Both men surround themselves with racists who threaten black people and yet are terrified of them in a fair fight.

Biff is so goddamn greedy and shortsighted, he more or less erases himself from existence so his past self can prosper.

Biff has never officially been accused of rape, but he sure has attempted it. It’s sort of his family tradition. Trump has, although the case is kind of weird. Oh, and that time his ex-wife testified that he raped her. So the two men have that in common as well.

Trump’s worst crime: showing you just how many of your fellow Americans are the same dumb bullies they were in elementary school. I mean, you want to believe in America, and here’s everyone with the same lack of reasoning they had at age five.

Fuck this racist windbag and the KKK-supporting father he rode in on.

 

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