Bankshot Comics

"Was it great?" you ask. Was it great? Yeah, it was great. Every day was Cinco de Mayo, and after three weeks I had transcended matter to become pure energy. I lived on a diet of ramen noodles and whiskey, and I got free comics every week. For fun, I wrestled bears (I won) and one time, Beau Smith (I lost). And my main job was to
handle original art. Universe: 0, Brendan: 6. Eat that, Universe.

It was an awesome job, and I'd do it again, except I'm no longer a student and DC knows better than to hire me again. What follows is a breakdown of what I did, who I met, and where I hid their bodies. Maybe you'll learn something, but more importantly, maybe, just maybe, you'll be viciously jealous of me. And that's the kind of priceless experience you just can't buy.

PART 1: Getting hired

It's every comic geek's dream to handle original Dave Gibbons art and be paid for it in comics, so a lot of people ask how to get this job. I can't speak for Josh, but I attribute my being hired to my diligence, enthusiasm, and willingness to wear handcuffs with chaps.

I was already a DC veteran by the time I applied for the summer 2001 internship. I had spent the previous summer interning under the lovely Miss Peggy Burns, Publicity Manager for DC. I basically spent my day organizing her many, many filing cabinets and preparing labels for mass mailings, but it was still a sweet gig. While I was there I also got to know one Ivan Cohen, assistant editor, Northwestern University alumnus and all-around cool guy. Little did I know that in less than 12 months he would hold my fate in his hands.

I applied a little differently. Sometime in January, I sent out letters to every comic and comic magazine publisher in New York state, offering tequila and chocolate for an internship. Marvel got back to me right away, so I spent my spring semester as a creative services intern, which, come to think of it, was probably the only reason Ivan hired me when he called in April.

As the summer of 2001 rolled around, I once again sent out feelers for a DC internship - only to be rebuffed because DC has an unofficial policy of only hiring interns for one summer. Thankfully, my old pal Ivan was in charge of the editorial internship program and he went to bat for me. The fascists over at Human Resources relented and soon I was once again winging my way to lovely New York.

You mean Ivan literally went to bat for you. I hear they're still trying to reset Paul Levitz's jaw.

One does what one must.

DC Offices: Just in case it wasn't obvious from the three floors of superhero memorabilia stuck in the windows. The building is pretty close to Fordham's Lincoln Center campus. I remember seeing it my very first time wandering around the city and wondering how I'd ever get in there, since DC doesn't give tours. Three years later, I found a way in. Not the internship. The air ducts. I lived like a Morlock for three weeks before I overhead someone discussing the intern program through a centralized A/C vent. That's when I gave up the CHUD life and went legit, but it was too late for Denny O'Neil. The official story is he retired from editing shortly before the summer began, but you haven't seen him since, have you? The truth is his bones are stuffed behind a radiator, and AZRAEL is written by a Bolivian thinktank. I know, it's weird, but so is penicillin when you think about it.

But first you have to go through Warner Bros. human resources to prove you're not a maniac, or rather, you're the kind of maniac who enjoys spending his summer weeding through old copies of Infinity, Inc.

Don't forget the Bloodpack. We had to weed through plenty of old copies of that, too. Thank you Phil Jimenez.

We tried to, but I think Eddie Berganza torched them all in shame before we got there. DC should have known Bloodpack was a bad idea when their debut issue had them fighting a team of super-powered construction workers.

Of all the concepts to rip-off, you would think they could have found a better one than the Wrecking Crew.

Here's a tip: using a tool from work is only a valid superpower if you're a nuclear scientist or maybe a DJ with a huge subwoofer. Riveting guns and jackhammers might threaten normal people, but the most you're going to do is knock down a building before Green Lantern picks you up by the head and drops you.

The Blood Pack: clockwise, from left: The Fabulous Kung-fu Mullet, Ugly Gun-Toting Monster, Slayer Fan, Frosty Cones, LoSH Scuba Diver (II), and Lingerie Model...notice how there's one of those on every superteam and one in every SCAB article? That's not coincidence. DC Editorial Internships aren't for sissies. You'll need all your geek-fu to find Aurora's last appearance, and enough control over it to remain socially viable. But by far our greatest challenge was finding The Bloodpack #1. Bloodpack was a ragtag group of Image wannabes who...hey, is that Jade? What's Jade doing there? And why does she have all those ammo belts? Isn't she like a living Green Lantern ring? Why does she need a gun? That's weird. Oh, right, a ragtag group of misfits who swore to protect a world that hates and fears them, and whose sole link was they'd had their spines drained by alien parasites. "Parasites" here means "giant, hairy, alien space fleas". The space fleas could assume human form, except for their spiky metal armor that nobody seemed to notice. One turned into a fat Viking, another became a fairly hot chick, and the third transformed into a gaunt ponce with a lick of flame for hair. If there were any more, please don't write in to correct me. You'll only embarrass us both.

Still, we made progress by giving Ivan five bucks to kill Firebrand. Not only that, but the guy even died talking about how cool Guy Gardner is. Obviously, our presence was felt at DC that summer. The best advice I have for interviewing is to show you're knowledgeable and enthusiastic without going fan-geeque.

Straight up. If you look, act and smell like a rabid fanboy - you won't get hired. Basically, leave the Golden Age Atom T-shirt and matching underwear at home.

Good point. Wear a damn tie. These people get sent 500-dollar busts as promotional items; your Wonder Woman keychain won't impress them, and your Aunt Minerva tattoo will only scare them. Besides, they already know you like comics; they don't know if you can look and act professional.

Foreground: the wrong approach Background: a winning attitude Yes, there are people this age and body type that dress up like this. And yes, they think it will impress other adults. Maybe it's just because I look so damned good in a tux, but I prefer the formal approach.

So true. And I would also suggest having some skill other than "loving comics." That can only take you so far.

It helped when I said I might not be able to take the job if I became the lead singer of a punk band. Everyone loves a rock star, and having one around the office only adds to the fun. (P.S. If the door to the copy room is closed, I'm in there with two 16 year-olds or one 32 year-old. Come back in an hour.)

Indeed. And we all loved Brendan... because he would beat us if we didn't.

That was just you, Josh, because I liked you. I didn't want to see you get soft and weak.

I am a big believer in tough love.

Sure. Tough love was the non-comics skill you cited in your interview that sealed the deal.

I made it clear I was a no-nonsense, take-charge kind of guy who wouldn't take no guff from nobody. How could they say no to that?

They tried, but that's when you reached across the desk, grabbed Ivan's collar, and caved his nose in for him. After that, you could get anything you want.

I'm not a violent man, but I can be provoked.

Then God help whoever gets in my way.

The only thing I made clear was that I'd try to bribe or seduce the editors into remolding the DCU according to my vision, but Ivan just laughed, gave me a noogie, and hired me anyway. But assuming you're normal, and knowledgeable, and nice-smelling, you're ready to begin. Unless they didn't hire you. That would make the first day awkward.

Wipe that smarmy smile off your face, Richards. Interview tip: Even though just about everybody there has worked at more than one comic company, it's standard fare to make fun of the competition, and Marvel is The Competition, Pepsi to DC's Coke. So feel free to take a shot at The House of Ideas...but don't go overboard. Nobody likes a kiss-ass, and Joe Quesada has an inconvenient tendency to hire grade-A talent. Besides, in two years' time, everyone rotates, and you'll find yourself making the same jokes about the "Dull Competitors" or some equally not-clever distortion of "DC". He's irritatingly cocky. And while I didn't mention it at my interview, I have a long-standing feud with fictional character Reed Richards of Marvel's Fantastic Four. In fact, while I was at Marvel, I frequently snuck into Bobbie Chase's office and left little Post-it notes intended to sabotage Reed's plans. "Add Snidely Whiplash mustache here" said one for the inker, and "color hold red on Reed's Satanic pupils," I instructed the colorist. Frequently, scripts would be faxed back to the writer with my corrections marked on them. I remember telling one freelancer, "Have Reed molest a duck, then have the duck turn out to be a starving crackbaby. And Reed should joke about it. Only not funny jokes." Not bad for a creative services intern. I thought it was worth bringing up that a well-timed Richards tirade can make or break your interview. Or barring that...Tony Stark: every bit the failure Bruce Wayne pretends to be.

To apply, send a resume and a professional cover letter explaining who you are, what you want to do, and why you think you'd be good at it (but keep it to one page) to:

Warner Brothers Human Resources
1325 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10019