For a brief while Toyfare's monthly "Monthly Rag" section decided to stop doing real news and start doing fake news in a blatant rip-off of The Onion. I was cool with that because it's a lot more fun to deride a life-size replica of Beta Ray Bill's hammer and anyone who wants to put that on their mantle than it is to get the facts right and make it sound like a must-have object. So I pitched them an article about Bush granting himself special powers, which he was, in fact, doing at the time. And I sent a little sketch along for fun. I have to say though, he looks like he's melting into Donald Rumsfeld here.
Article follows below:
TOYFARE #105
By Brendan McGinley
HEAD
BUSH GRANTS SELF SPECIAL POWERS
SUBS:
--But does ‘Omega Beam veto’ go too far?
--Requests sixth infinity gem for Executive Gauntlet
--Presidential purview now includes flight & healing factor
Americans, assemble!
President Bush expanded presidential powers yesterday to include legislation, invulnerability, and the ability to talk to fish.
“I swore to preservate and protect you to the best of my ability,” he told reporters, “And those abilities must be superhumanous. Iran, North Korea, Latveria…this triumvirate of terror is a superstitial, cowardly lot.”
Wearing an army-issue flightsuit and a homemade cape stitched from pieces of the American flag, Bush somberly explained he had “abilities far beyond those of mortal men.”
Reporters questioned such augmentation’s veracity, to which Bush responded, “You folks in the reality-based community…that’s not how the world works anymore. Pow! Biff! Super-powers aren’t just for kids!”
This is not the first time Bush has defied reality to obtain his goals. In 2003 he invaded Iraq without provocation or plan, and in 2000 won a narrow Presidential election after traveling back to the Cretaceous and crushing a butterfly.
If super-powers are a viable model of executive service, Bush may take a more hands-on role in government. “With superspeed, he could run the White House by himself,” said Dr. Reed Richards of the Four Freedoms Institute, a Manhattan-based thinktank. “However, the cosmic rays necessary to trigger such a physiological change exist only in space. Perhaps this was the motive behind his 2004 call for an expedition to Mars.”
Even so, Bush faces an uphill battle. Senator Ted Kennedy (D–Mass.) said the president’s claim on super-hearing violates the Third Amendment. “By spying on all 300 million Americans, the president has created a ‘Brother I’ state. Who does he think he is to overturn the laws of the land and physics?”
When told of Kennedy’s comments, Bush stifled a heated smile: “What are you, dense? Are you retarded or something? Who the hell do you think I am? I’m the goddamn PRESIDENT.” Bush then referred to the Democratic party as “The Legion of Doom,” for the rest of the press-conference.
Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez, who once wrote a memo arguing for the torture of human beings, explained to reporters that all spoken information is now legally within casual earshot to “to one that may hear everything on Earth, from the gently scraping sands of the ocean floor to the churning miasma of the aurora borealis.”
Other Democrats supported the declaration. “Gee whiz,” mewled Sen. Marvin White (D-CT) “We’d better do something to get on the Republicans’ good side – and fast!”
Bush also demanded reporters refer to him as Commander-in-Freedom. “I wanted the name Captain America, but it was taken by someone else,” he joked.
At that, Secretary of Defense Donald “Captain America” Rumsfeld leapt onto the stage, and awkwardly hurled a red, white and blue shield to the back of the room. Two reporters were injured by the metal disc.
Bush next gestured to a row of shadowy figures behind him, saying, “I’d like to you to meet America’s newest, truest heroes!” The lights went up to reveal his mildly embarrassed advisors. “Super-Cronies roll call!” the President shouted, “Spyborg! [Vice President Dick Cheney] Obermeister! [Chief Advisor Karl Rove] And the deadly Zapata!” [Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice].
It remains doubtful how the president will manifest his claim to superpowers, but Jack Ryder, host of Fox News’ “Hot Seat” cited the more-than 1,200 Arabs and Muslims who have disappeared from their homes since September 11, 2001, as proof of teleportation.
“If you don’t like it,” Ryder said, “Shut up, before your timid, reasonable criticisms demolish morale. ‘The Hot Seat’ doesn’t wish to point fingers, but we will keep an enemies showcase, tracking critics, extremists and super-villains who oppose administration policies.”
“Shut up!” he added, to no one in particular.
Asked how he’ll use his new abilities, Bush announced a four-month vacation on his Texas ranch to clear brush with his heat vision. He ended the conference, saying, “America’s enemies are manyious, and they wish to terrormarize us. If we face that terroring together, and with Green Lantern rings, nothing can stop us, not even a weapon made of yellowcake uranium.”