Over at Cracked, they sometimes pay me money for making fun of my betters, which proves my junior high school teachers were wrong.

(NB: some of the older pieces may have been deleted in site updates and will redirect to a different topic — nothing I can do about it, I’m afraid.)

Alternate banner for The Gentleman Bastard at Cracked


Advice About Relationships
I repeat: the most important step in any domination is getting the underclass to subjugate themselves.
“Orgasms: Are you allowed to have one?”

The most important step in any domination is getting the underclass to subjugate themselves.
“The only way I’m able to complete this article is by picturing each and every single one of you clad in comically tiny hearts with a matching peach bra…good lord, there are thousands of you gentlemen.”

Here's to you, Mrs. Red Robinson
“Secondary causes of your child’s red hair are conceiving in an upside down position, being a witch, and the fact that your mailman is Irish.”

Batman Characters
Charting the mental state of Gotham's citizenry.
“At some point an evil clown had to look up from strangling a pre-schooler and say, ‘Woah! I’m crazy, but I’m not Obsessed Ex-Girlfriend crazy.'”

After a First Date

“It’s been said that men are dogs and women are cats, but it’s more like a two-headed frog and a raven.”

Dating Older Women
Here's to you, Mrs. Robinson
“Most 21-year-old guys would have sex with a bandsaw if they knew it was on the pill.”

Darth Maul
Darth Maul celebrates today with raw meat for breakfast.
“There’s a little Darth Maul in all of us…usually against our will.”

Love is it.
“Love is the cheat code to sex. If you’re in love, even popes and jilted great-aunts will help get you laid.”

The Wolfman
Boredom is boring.
“Werewolf films are Friday the 13th plus costly makeup, and there’s a reason they never made one of those about Jason’s inner struggle.”

Japanese Commercials
I really do like Japan, especially sushi. Man, I can't get enough sushi.
“The only way this commercial could be more erotic is if the dog touched its cold nose to Connery’s unprepared buttock.”

Breaking Bad
Breaking Bad is awesome
Breaking Bad centers around crystal meth, insufficient health care, and a little hint of chili. Yes, it’s set in New Mexico.”

Photoshop contest: Make an info-chart of a classic story.
Hamlet Action-Item Agenda

Not a finalist, but I still like this Photoshop contest entry: “Grossly Unnecessary Updates to Modern Technology.”

“Free hugs are free for a reason”
Free hugs

Glenn Beck’s The Christmas Sweater
Coming this July: Glenn Beck's THE INDEPENDENCE DAY SWEATER
“The poor kid flees into a cornfield, possibly in an attempt to get out of a Glenn Beck story.”

Spies like us. They really, really like us.
“Here’s the first and last lesson in espionage: Nick Fury is the only man you can trust, and he’s not real.

Kristen Bell
God, just look at Kristen Bell smile. She could portray Stalin and we'd cheer for him.
“God, just look at that high-school-crush smile.
She could portray Stalin and we’d cheer for him.”

Comic Books
Superman does what Superman wants
“Many indie comics provide an alternative to superheroes’ sex and violence
with tales of masturbation and wimping away from conflict.”

Dear, dirty, depressing, downtrodden, drunken Dublin. Why did we ever leave it?
“Dublin is the capital of Ireland, home to nearly 1/4 of the nation’s
4.4 million drunken writers.”

The Philly Cheesesteak
She was a blonde in JAWS.
“Cures cancer.”

How to BBQ Like a Real Man
The parts of a hilarious cow.
“Man, can you imagine how good mammoth must taste?”

Kanye West Steals the Mic at the MTV Music Video Awards
Tonight we did everything that Kan'like and lots of things that no one like.
“With the tact of an elephant raping a rhino,
he voided the outcome…”