Cracked
Over at Cracked, they sometimes pay me money for making fun of my betters, which proves my junior high school teachers were wrong.
- Six Tips for Turning Bad Fan-Fiction Into Best-Selling Erotica
- The Seven Most Agonizing Sex Injuries
- 2011: The Year in Bastardry
- Five Facts About Thanksgiving Your History Teacher Left Out
- The Seven Types of Chris Brown Twitter Troll
- Seven Terrifying Spec Commercials
- Seven Comic Characters Who Outlasted the Trends that Made Them
- Doc Brutal & the iPhone of Doom
- Six Illogical Arguments for Gay Marriage
- Letter to My Unborn Son
- Martini-a-go-go!
- Barbecue for Bastards
- Five Reasons the Rapture Did Not Occur
- Outsourced: The Autopsy
- Five Ways the '90s Made Us Strong
- The Happy Medium in Celebrating bin Laden's Death
Topics
Advice About Relationships
"Orgasms: Are you allowed to have one?"
Underwear
"The only way I'm able to complete this article is by picturing each and every single one of you clad in comically tiny hearts with a matching peach bra...good lord, there are thousands of you gentlemen."
Redheads
"Secondary causes of your child's red hair are conceiving in an upside down position, being a witch, and the fact that your mailman is Irish."
Batman Characters
"At some point an evil clown had to look up from strangling a pre-schooler and say, 'Woah! I'm crazy, but I'm not Obsessed Ex-Girlfriend crazy.'"
After a First Date
"It's been said that men are dogs and women are cats, but it's more like a two-headed frog and a raven."
Dating Older Women
"Most 21-year-old guys would have sex with a bandsaw if they knew it was on the pill."
Darth Maul
"There's a little Darth Maul in all of us...usually against our will."
Love
"Love is the cheat code to sex. If you're in love, even popes and jilted great-aunts will help get you laid."
The Wolfman
"Werewolf films are Friday the 13th plus costly makeup, and there's a reason they never made one of those about Jason's inner struggle."
Japanese Commercials
"The only way this commercial could be more erotic is if the dog touched its cold nose to Connery's unprepared buttock."
Breaking Bad
"Breaking Bad centers around crystal meth, insufficient health care, and a little hint of chili. Yes, it's set in New Mexico."
Photoshop contest: Make an info-chart of a classic story.
Not a finalist, but I still like this Photoshop contest entry: "Grossly Unnecessary Updates to Modern Technology."
"Free hugs are free for a reason"
Glenn Beck's The Christmas Sweater
"The poor kid flees into a cornfield, possibly in an attempt to get out of a Glenn Beck story."
Espionage
"Here's the first and last lesson in espionage: Nick Fury is the only man you can trust, and he's not real."
Kristen Bell
"God, just look at that high-school-crush smile.
She could portray Stalin and we'd cheer for him."
Comic Books
"Many indie comics provide an alternative to superheroes' sex and violence
with tales of masturbation and wimping away from conflict."
Dublin
"Dublin is the capital of Ireland, home to nearly 1/4 of the nation's
4.4 million drunken writers."
The Philly Cheesesteak
"Cures cancer."
How to BBQ Like a Real Man
"Man, can you imagine how good mammoth must taste?"
Kanye West Steals the Mic at the MTV Music Video Awards
"With the tact of an elephant raping a rhino,
he voided the outcome..."
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