Rejected Cracked Pitches: Two Donald Trump Pieces

Two rejected pitches from this year as you go out to vote, as they were submitted to my betters. Thought it might be neat to take a peak into the sausage-making process.

A Guide to Third-Party Candidates

I really wanted this one to fly, I’ve had the idea for years of nominating a dog to the presidency, and campaigning on messages we can all back, like “Dog Like you. Why Not Dog?” and arguing it couldn’t be any worse if we chased our collective tails for four years. At least we wouldn’t be continuing to screw up the world. Alas, ’twas not to be. Also, I think a Cena/Rock ticket would be a beautiful union of  the “Unexpected Cena” meme, this “Love Has No Labels” speech, and the Rock’s limitless likability.  It was pitched to Cracked like so:


Cracked: ‘Frozen’ Fan Theory: Hans Is a Pawn

I had never heard of Frozen  the night I went to see it, appropriately, in a blizzard. I just wanted to try a new ramen restaurant with my lady, and we didn’t want the evening to end. So: tip — you can give Jin Ramen in Harlem a miss; it’s pedestrian. Go to Ippudo or Totto instead. If you’re that far uptown, hit up Tampopo. But as long as you’re in the neighborhood, do visit the AMC Magic Johnson Theater, which is everything a neighborhood movie theater should be.

Anyway, I enjoyed the movie very much; it’s a funny film that overturns tropes like Prince Charming, Love at First Sight, and the Wicked Queen. It ended the only way it really ought to have.

Two things stuck weird with me, though: first, it feels way more like a Broadway musical than a Disney musical. Second, Hans’s reversal comes out of nowhere. It’s kind of a neat trick, and I don’t think it requires foreshadowing, but it’s so contrary to everything he does, that it klunked with me. It’s one thing to play wholesome while crawling towards your sinister goals. It’s another to thwart those goals throughout your journey. Hans is sending mutton stew back to the kitchen and protesting “No thank you, I don’t eat that because as you can plainly see by my clothing, I am a sheep.”

Anyway, that was about that till my buddy Steve told me he had pitched a fan theory to Cracked that Hans was never the true culprit of Frozen. It having recently been approved, he invited to write it with him. I heartily accepted, as that point had stuck out at me so sorely. Also, I don’t think we as a popular culture are talking enough about the fact that Elsa has the power to create sentient life. That’s a really disturbing power for a hero to have.

I gleefully accepted, but didn’t have much to add to his very well-structured points. I noticed a few details, added some one-liners, cut and condensed, and a few rounds of collaboration and a week later we had a complete story. This was a fun one.

This way down the rabbit hole.

Whiskey in Space!

Over at Thrillist I crafted you three new articles

First, with the lovely Zofia Maria of Otto’s Shrunken Head, we devised Jose Cuervo cocktails unlike any you’ve had before (and by we, I mean 100% she did. I just nodded approvingly).

Second, I crafted you a perfect first day in five U.S. cities, which is mostly eating. So much eating.

And third and most intriguingly, I looked up all the weird stuff that distillers do to whiskey, including playing hip-hop to get that whiskey’s legs stomping. It’s illustrated by Dan Evans, who is rad.

New Thrillist: Bourbon, beer, and big-time party

Hello, did you know I’ve taken an editorial job at Thrillist? Of course you did not, because you’re not a creeper. Well, now you know. Dig it, here are a few of my latest scrawls when not editing other writers’ work:

La Hora Loca Is, By Definition, the Craziest Hour at Any Party

The 11 Best Small-Batch Bourbons, According to Experts

Is Sierra Nevada’s Beer Camp the Biggest Beer Festival in History? (Nick Leftley wrote most of this; I just ran down the beer descriptions.)

Booze and food and fun! I have the best beat. Except for whomever is covering the “Chocolate, Lingerie, and Stirring Orchestral Music” stories over at Billionaire Monthly.



Super Delegates, as Explained by Andrew J. Heaton

My buddy Heaton is a smart guy and also a funny guy, and when you put the two together, you get savvy explanations of the political process. I like Andrew because we can disagree on a number of political points and then he can explain in very real terms why he’s right and I’m wrong, which you just don’t get in most of the discourse today, which is gut-based and therefore tied to word vomit.

Anyway, here he is comically explaining what a super delegate is and whether the fix is in (it is!) to great effect even though he hates Bernie Sanders like some kind of socialist-hating communist.

If you don’t lose it at “Actually we’re going to play soccer,” I am disappointed in you.