cracked topics

Happy St. Patrick’s Day

I’m in transit to Chicago as you read this. Actually, I’m either in a bar, or a McDonald’s getting a shamrock shake. But later today: Chicago. I’ve got too many friends there with nary a drop of Irish blood who require my presence to drink properly. But here, enjoy this flashback Cracked piece I did about Dublin.


Crock pot bbq pork ribs

Probably as often as someone comes to the site looking up Rule 34 fare, I get traffic from “Beer butt crockpot chicken.” The fact is, it was a failed experiment: beer can might work in the oven and definitely on the grill, but it’s a moot tool in the crockpot, which is already as convected as convection gets without boiling.

Regardless, a crockpot is a darn fine way to roast anything, since most of us like our meat moist and delicious. I’ve barbecued bbq ribs with a commitment that would make the South proud, and some succeed, some don’t. But here’s what I discovered this winter: there’s nothing better than crockpot ribs.

If I sold these in a restaurant, the price would be 5% of each diner’s annual income.

They were on sale at the supermarket, and darned if I was going to wait till May to grill some, so I decided to give the crockpot a try. It’s a well known fact that a lot of restaurants will steam their ribs with a variety of hasty methods to get that drop-off-the-bone goodness. It was time to try. I mixed up a rub for the ribs the day before, then added a little marinade the morning of the meal. At lunchtime I put them in the oven for 10/15 minutes uncovered to get a little crispy, then transferred them to the crockpot while I worked on some Cracked articles.

Six hours later (plus the introduction of some barbecue sauce a half hour before completion), I was in Heaven. Without question, the best ribs I have ever made. Twice the quality of my grilling efforts with half the effort and none of the mess, muss or fuss.

To these we added some garlic & butter spinach, candied carrots (butter & a little brown sugar), and grits. Basically, a healthy meal to fight these ribby bastids, immediately undone by butter and sugar.

Now I’m wondering if I can sear some burgers, then transfer them to the crockpot…


A few months ago I wrote an entire article about how hot redheads are based on how much I missed my redhead girlfriend, and today the internet’s redheads naturally decided I was making fun of them.

Plainly, this is something I would mock and reject

I didn’t do that header image, though, so maybe that’s where their feelings are getting hurt. Read the article independent of that, and you’ll see 1400 words on what a sucker I am for a redheaded woman.

Advice about relationships

I’d been meaning to revise that extinction event header on the Relationship Advice topic; I was never happy with it. Turns out Cracked did it for me with some Photoshop-fu of a checkout belt way past my capabilities. I’m afraid I don’t know who to credit, but good job, masked illustrator.

The reason the magazines repeat is because I did the ones in the article, and I guess they got incorporated. Sorry, internet.

Christina Hendricks

Preview of my next Cracked assignment.

Cosmopolitan magazine in a nutshell

Don’t worry, there’s a Maxim version that’s just as bad.

Found her! And she very kindly gave me retroactive permission. You should give all your photo assignments to Stef Keenan.*

*If you’re on the west coast I mean. East coasters, keep using Brenizer.

One day, when I’ve made my wealth, I’m going to find the photog who took this and pay his due. I was just sort of mucking around, looking for someone with that “hand on hip” shot Cosmo always uses, and got lucky enough that Cracked had an assignment close enough to fit the idea around the same time. I forget where I got the photo from, and when I do stuff like this, I try to always go public domain, permission, or otherwise respect stuff. You’ll note that Kim Kardashian Maxim spoof comes from a Playboy shoot, where I’m at least trying to take from a billion-dollar corporation than somebody earning their bread. For both of these, though, I’m at the mercy of my own poverty and budget, since Cracked pays pretty well for the internet, but to make something like this in the first place you need a professional shot, it has to be sexy, it was to be free of cover copy…

I dunno. I just wanna do right by creators is all I’m saying. If you took this photo, get in touch. I didn’t set out to screw you, guy. I’ve just been poor for two years now and will pay you a fee when I have more than my rent in the bank.