Eight Things You Didn’t Know About the Fresh Prince of Bel Air
on 10.14.2011 at 11:43 amPosted In: Blog
Didn't write it, but did compose the infographic for the fine folks at Townsquare and TheFW.
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Cool Whip: The very name conjures up images of tasty summer treats that even those lame lactose-intolerant (or as we like to call them, lactose bigoted) kids can eat. But really, do you know what you're putting in your body? No? Well for crying out loud, man, that's what Asylum's here for. Read on to see our pretty chart of everything that goes into the Cool Whip.
Over at Asylum they asked me to do a flashy chart for Andy Green's article on horrifying facts about lady parts. And I said "Flashy? No no no, let us be demure."
What's a tasteful way of making a visual representation for that kind of thing? I went for an anterior view of the pubic bone, because when you buy my services, you're buying class. Also, sarcasm. But mostly class. And I make a good martini.
Anyway, I asked them to hold off the credit, because when this originally ran, I was job-hunting and didn't really want Google linking my name with "Horrifying vagina." Which of course it's doing right now. I've already got my name image-associated to a dude banging an inflatable horse (not my fault) and two guys in Spider-Man costumes (okay, that's my fault).
It blew up Digg, though, to Andy's credit. Or maybe credit is due to female anatomy. One of those has got to be popular on the internet. Anyway, yeah. I didn't write any of that follows, but I took a day's pay to gig up the graphic. God, that went down as one of the worst summers of my existence. Not because of all the cold, clinical vagina I'm getting paid to make PG, but because of all the stuff that was preferable to.
Clutch and love have been good to me, but only Clutch stayed when I ran out of money. Here are two articles written by Brett Smiley and made visually ghastly by me.
Six Swagfied Products to Add Some Style to Your Life
How Will Your July 4th Party End?
Uproxx asked me to do a sci-fi take on Dogfort, imagining the series through several famous films. This isn't going to run -- not quite what they were looking for, but hey, it has a larff or two in it.
This may be the greatest Final Destination deaths flowchart anyone has ever made.
Don't tell my ma I wrote this Astroglide piece for Asylum. It'd break her heart to find out I'm having pre-marital comedy.
Shed a tear for the deleted one-liner, "Water prevents pregnancy; that why fish can't reproduce, right?" It were my fav'rit.
You may also notice I got some of the science wrong. Look again: I got the science FUNNY.
Lubricant! That magic potion that keeps your partner's orifices interested in what your body's talking about is mysterious stuff. It's water, but it's sticky; it's alcohol, but it dissolves. Here's a breakdown of how that bottle of Astroglide in your mom's underwear drawer works.
Lubricant! That magic potion that keeps your partner's orifices interested in what your body's talking about is mysterious stuff. It's water, but it's sticky; it's alcohol, but it dissolves. Here's a breakdown of how that 
Keep reading for a more detailed breakdown of what makes this bottle more fun than a Slip-n-Slide...
Purified Water
Awesome! Water prevents pregnancy, right? It turns out water is only in here as a medium for the good stuff. Sorry, should have told you that six weeks ago.
Glycerin
It's a sugar alcohol, meaning it's basically antifreeze for your private parts. It won't evaporate due to the friction of your conviction, unless you're the Flash. But even if you are, cross-country runners never get laid, so it's not your concern.
Propylene Glycol
If water is a universal solvent, what good is this additional solvent? We can only assume (incorrectly) from the name "propylene" that this is some kind of propellant so you can set new land-speed records for having to explain that you usually last longer. But seriously, propylene glycol, good job doing whatever it is you do.
Polyquaternium 15
Its chemical name is acrylamide-dimethylaminoethyl methacrylate methyl chloride copolymer. That's a lot of meth! So remember: Every time you're having sex, you're making good use of methane that would otherwise contribute to global warming.
Methylparaben
According to Miss Manners, it's polite to clean up before you stick your private parts in someone else's body. It's a respect thing. But also, there's a weird love triangle in nature between sugar, yeast and alcohol. Since glycerin is two of those, methylparaben is the bouncer that keeps yeast infections waiting outside.
Propylparaben
You'd think with all the alcohol inside, our nation's body cavities would be pickled for eternity. You'd be wrong. This ingredient is here specifically to act as a preservative.
So there you have it, a rough guide to smooth sex. Now that you know how all the parts work, you can brew your own at home. And then, when that fails, you'll know what to compare when you go shopping for the quality stuff.
I drew 16 headshots for Andy Green's article on Clutch.
But you only count 15 because the Franz Josef dropped off the map:
Franz Josef -- You will marry a female body builder with an eye patch and a short temper
Lots of Vitamin B, according to this Wikipedia-fueled analysis I did for Asylum. I apologize in advance to Science.
The makers of 5-Hour Energy Shot claim it delivers all of the rush with none of the crash that accompanies high-sugar energy drinks. So what's in there to keep you alert?
The makers of 5-Hour Energy Shot claim it delivers all of the rush with none of the crash that accompanies high-sugar energy drinks. So what's in there to keep you alert? Thanks to Public Domain Pictures for the coffee and asparagus.
Hours and hours of nudging text around until it fits into Asylum's narrow column, apparently. Not my best layout, I admit, but I dissected General Mills ingredients for 9 hours and found a way to compare salt to Darth Vader.
New article up at Asylum: everything you ever wanted to know about Tasers, but were convulsing too much to ask.
Tasers were designed with the noble goals of saving lives and incapacitating Philadelphia Phillies fans, but if that's all you know about them, how will you ever modify one into an illegal sex toy?
Keep reading to inform yourself about these wonderful devices that allow cops to take down you, the obnoxious drunk.
SOURCES:
--Wikipedia
--Taser.com
--Amnesty International, "Less Than Lethal? The Use of Stun Weapons in Law Enforcement," 2008
--Wake Forest University Baptist Medical Center (WA William P. Bozeman, MD; William E. Hauda II, MD; Joseph J. Heck, DO; Derrel D. Graham Jr, MD; Brian P. Martin, MD, MS; James E. Winslow, MD, MPH), "Safety and Injury Profile of Conducted Electrical Weapons Used by Law Enforcement Officers Against Criminal Suspects," presented at the 2007 American College of Emergency Physicians Scientific Assembly Research Forum, October 2007, Seattle
--Wikipedia
--Taser.com
--Amnesty International, "Less Than Lethal? The Use of Stun Weapons in Law Enforcement," 2008
--Wake Forest University Baptist Medical Center (WA William P. Bozeman, MD; William E. Hauda II, MD; Joseph J. Heck, DO; Derrel D. Graham Jr, MD; Brian P. Martin, MD, MS; James E. Winslow, MD, MPH), "Safety and Injury Profile of Conducted Electrical Weapons Used by Law Enforcement Officers Against Criminal Suspects," presented at the 2007 American College of Emergency Physicians Scientific Assembly Research Forum, October 2007, Seattle
A gigantic infographic featuring the most devastating warriors of womanhood went up at Asylum. It took me 15 22 28 hours to make and is literally six feet tall.
Well-behaved women rarely make history, but they once made movies. From then, it's been a long, slow climb to today, where Hollywood actually allows women to blow things up on screen.
They've had to work twice as hard to get here, and five times as hard to make movies as bad as the ones men put out.
Keep reading to see our timeline of misbehaving women of the screen, from 1915 to today.
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And now: the deleted designer's cut bonus footage:
Asylum asked me to do this chart, and though I like the aesthetic, I don't ever want to spend two days researching and composing this kind of ghastly material ever again. Combined with the Taser research the day before, I'm sure Google has my IP address flagged under possible animal offenders.
Anyway, here's the original article (their idea) entitled "Penis Size in the Animal Kingdom -- What Species Has the Biggest Equipment?"
Recently, scientists in the Falkland Islands aroused and measured the penis size of a dead squid. And while we're not ones to judge what turns some people on, we are ones to plug our ears and chatter "la la la la" when those scientists report that deep-sea squid are monstrously hung.
It did get us wondering if there were any other animals that, uh, cut humans down to size. So, we ranked the penis-to-body ratios of Earth's best-hung critters to determine where we fit into nature's penis picture.
Check below to see the results of our investigation.
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Now up at moviefone -- Not only the longest movies, but the longest I ever spent working on an infographic.
I did a pseudoscientific analysis of slam dunking from for Clutch. It also features zombie Isaac Newton. The numbers are a little funky in the middle. I meant to say "a vertical reach of just over eight feet," not under.
Special thanks to my friend Eve Stenson for helping with the physics calculations and being one cool lady.
The Science of Slam Dunking
Asylum's gone, but I never showed you this infographic I coolwhipped together with minutes to spare before its conclusion. Which explains the weird blurb on the Gwar caption and the pixelation on the skull icon.
Since it's Prose Wednesday and I'm swamped with graphics work and he made it timely again via his Twitter apology: Cracked -- Kanye West Steals Mic From Taylor Swift at MTV Awards
Yes, I know that flowchart is horrible. Be kind, as it was literally the first infographic I ever designed.
Asylum had me make a chart of a statistician's CBA for modern dating. And then they killed the feature, which -- since it's someone else's work, I can't recycle on you elsewhere and pretend I made it specifically for CHEAP DATE QUARTERLY. So enjoy this Bankshot-exclusive chart that may be news to you, unless you're Ian Stanczyk.
Our buddy Ian Stanczyk recently broke out the actual cost of dating, but we here at Asylum have trouble with complex concepts like "opportunity costs," "disposable income," and "real-life woman." To make things simpler, we rendered his ten-dollar, fancy-pants statistics into a simple graph for the average nerd. Make clicky on the "Keep Reading" button to watch your costs accrue.
I shouldn't have taken this assignment. I forgot that I'm a shaman, and by the time Asylum killed the article, it had come true.
Anyone who's ever endured a long-distance relationship knows how much modern telecommunications have helped a couple stay in touch throughout the days and weeks. But it can also add a strain, as heartfelt statements are reduced to a squawk of abbreviations. It's Post-It Note love for the 21st century. Click on to watch an entire romance unfold in 160 characters or less.
With a tip of the name to my colleague and collaborator Steven Grant, here's a wholly biased pro-New York Comic-Con comparison to San Diego, even though NYCC still owes me a refund from their first year.
And now I'm presenting it again for you as a prose wednesday entry because even the internet goes into reruns sometimes.
We're big believers in competition. It's the American way. And there's no place more cutthroat than New York.
That fact likely explains why some enlightened geeks prefer the New York Comic-Con (starting today) to the bloated San Diego institution. With recent mutterings about mainstream Hollywood culture co-opting the nerdfest for its own commercial uses, more loyalists are sure to defect to the East Coast.
Read on to see why New York Comic-Con is our new favorite convention in this completely biased, unfair comparison.
