Don’t tell my ma I wrote this Astroglide piece for Asylum. It’d break her heart to find out I’m having pre-marital comedy.
Shed a tear for the deleted one-liner, “Water prevents pregnancy; that why fish can’t reproduce, right?” It were my fav’rit.
You may also notice I got some of the science wrong. Look again: I got the science FUNNY.
Lubricant! That magic potion that keeps your partner’s orifices interested in what your body’s talking about is mysterious stuff. It’s water, but it’s sticky; it’s alcohol, but it dissolves. Here’s a breakdown of how that bottle of Astroglide in your mom’s underwear drawer works.
Keep reading for a more detailed breakdown of what makes this bottle more fun than a Slip-n-Slide…
Awesome! Water prevents pregnancy, right? It turns out water is only in here as a medium for the good stuff. Sorry, should have told you that six weeks ago.
It’s a sugar alcohol, meaning it’s basically antifreeze for your private parts. It won’t evaporate due to the friction of your conviction, unless you’re the Flash. But even if you are, cross-country runners never get laid, so it’s not your concern.
If water is a universal solvent, what good is this additional solvent? We can only assume (incorrectly) from the name "propylene" that this is some kind of propellant so you can set new land-speed records for having to explain that you usually last longer. But seriously, propylene glycol, good job doing whatever it is you do.
Its chemical name is acrylamide-dimethylaminoethyl methacrylate methyl chloride copolymer. That’s a lot of meth! So remember: Every time you’re having sex, you’re making good use of methane that would otherwise contribute to global warming.
According to Miss Manners, it’s polite to clean up before you stick your private parts in someone else’s body. It’s a respect thing. But also, there’s a weird love triangle in nature between sugar, yeast and alcohol. Since glycerin is two of those, methylparaben is the bouncer that keeps yeast infections waiting outside.
You’d think with all the alcohol inside, our nation’s body cavities would be pickled for eternity. You’d be wrong. This ingredient is here specifically to act as a preservative.
So there you have it, a rough guide to smooth sex. Now that you know how all the parts work, you can brew your own at home. And then, when that fails, you’ll know what to compare when you go shopping for the quality stuff.