Hi, internet! I wrote my memoirs and pretended they were satire.
I miss just about every dame I ever dated.
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Cracked Column: I Taught the Internet Something New about Sex
on 04.21.2012 at 5:00 pmPosted In: Blog
Hooray! I wrote a thing and it was on the internet!
Fifty Shades of Grey is an erotic alternate universe fan fiction version of Twilight, and if that sentence makes no sense to you, you're sweet to keep up with my work, Mom. For the rest of you: when Cracked and I team to remember Twilight exists, you know it's going to end in a pile of corpses. But are they sexy corpses? To find that out, you'll just have to read on.
I'm not gonna lie; this is like the best Photoshop I've ever done.
Thank you to Cracked's staff for doing a kickass job cleaning it up and editing for content and copy. I am officially out of ways to make the phrases "having sex" and "making love" sound awkward. If you're a fan of Fifty Shades of Grey, this will cure you. It also features one of the best Photoshop facial transplants I've ever done, and I'm a doctor of that.
Like this old-timey letter I wrote for National Lampoon, in which a vintage fellow writes his mother from California to inform her that he's found the nude actress he's going to marry.
I just find the contrast between pornography and old-timey correspondence with an extra serving of politesse funny.
(bumped from Sunday because they moved it to the 18th)
Don't tell my ma I wrote this Astroglide piece for Asylum. It'd break her heart to find out I'm having pre-marital comedy.
Shed a tear for the deleted one-liner, "Water prevents pregnancy; that why fish can't reproduce, right?" It were my fav'rit.
You may also notice I got some of the science wrong. Look again: I got the science FUNNY.
Lubricant! That magic potion that keeps your partner's orifices interested in what your body's talking about is mysterious stuff. It's water, but it's sticky; it's alcohol, but it dissolves. Here's a breakdown of how that bottle of Astroglide in your mom's underwear drawer works.
Lubricant! That magic potion that keeps your partner's orifices interested in what your body's talking about is mysterious stuff. It's water, but it's sticky; it's alcohol, but it dissolves. Here's a breakdown of how that 
Keep reading for a more detailed breakdown of what makes this bottle more fun than a Slip-n-Slide...
Purified Water
Awesome! Water prevents pregnancy, right? It turns out water is only in here as a medium for the good stuff. Sorry, should have told you that six weeks ago.
Glycerin
It's a sugar alcohol, meaning it's basically antifreeze for your private parts. It won't evaporate due to the friction of your conviction, unless you're the Flash. But even if you are, cross-country runners never get laid, so it's not your concern.
Propylene Glycol
If water is a universal solvent, what good is this additional solvent? We can only assume (incorrectly) from the name "propylene" that this is some kind of propellant so you can set new land-speed records for having to explain that you usually last longer. But seriously, propylene glycol, good job doing whatever it is you do.
Polyquaternium 15
Its chemical name is acrylamide-dimethylaminoethyl methacrylate methyl chloride copolymer. That's a lot of meth! So remember: Every time you're having sex, you're making good use of methane that would otherwise contribute to global warming.
Methylparaben
According to Miss Manners, it's polite to clean up before you stick your private parts in someone else's body. It's a respect thing. But also, there's a weird love triangle in nature between sugar, yeast and alcohol. Since glycerin is two of those, methylparaben is the bouncer that keeps yeast infections waiting outside.
Propylparaben
You'd think with all the alcohol inside, our nation's body cavities would be pickled for eternity. You'd be wrong. This ingredient is here specifically to act as a preservative.
So there you have it, a rough guide to smooth sex. Now that you know how all the parts work, you can brew your own at home. And then, when that fails, you'll know what to compare when you go shopping for the quality stuff.
Asylum asked me to do this chart, and though I like the aesthetic, I don't ever want to spend two days researching and composing this kind of ghastly material ever again. Combined with the Taser research the day before, I'm sure Google has my IP address flagged under possible animal offenders.
Anyway, here's the original article (their idea) entitled "Penis Size in the Animal Kingdom -- What Species Has the Biggest Equipment?"
Recently, scientists in the Falkland Islands aroused and measured the penis size of a dead squid. And while we're not ones to judge what turns some people on, we are ones to plug our ears and chatter "la la la la" when those scientists report that deep-sea squid are monstrously hung.
It did get us wondering if there were any other animals that, uh, cut humans down to size. So, we ranked the penis-to-body ratios of Earth's best-hung critters to determine where we fit into nature's penis picture.
Check below to see the results of our investigation.
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When my parents -- both writers and editors -- ask how my work is going, I think they always wait for me to announce I've begun work on the next great American novel. But usually I haven't because my work week is full of Photoshopping fake video game porn for my freelance clients. Meaning, I'm spoofing spoofs. On the internet. For milk money. The sanest thing to do is look at this as a lucrative hobby, or else a series of small grants to improve my Creative Suite skills.
Porn and video games. Have two things ever gone so well with another lonely Friday night in a bachelor pad? All that's missing is pizza -- and, presumably, a woman who has just gotten out of the shower to pay for it but realizes she doesn't have enough money for tip.
We were heartened to find out porn spoofs have discovered video games with "Modern Whorefare: Call of Booty." Which got us thinking: What other video games are just begging to be parodied by the adult industry?
Read more to see the gamer porn we wish existed.
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and there's no game that's been imitated more than the granddaddy of arcade games: "PONG." Unfortunately, the 8-bit square being lobbed from side to side takes on a decidedly unsavory nature when pornography addles the mix.
Quickly following that success comes the arcade smash (and splash) hit about foreign bodies seeking to breach the gaps in your defenses and gain entry to your inner sanctum. What they don't know is they're going about it all wrong.
A big breakthrough came with the arrival of not one but two of gaming's (and porn's) biggest stars. Any visual similarities between Mario and Ron Jeremy are purely coincidental.
Everyone remembers the iconic NES classic "Paperboy," which we played with the same fervor that we were lacking on our real-life paper route. Perhaps we'd have made the rounds with more gusto if there had been lusty ladies looking for a special insert in our delivery sack. (No, we have no idea what that means, either.)
Video games have come a long way. Now, like porn, they have characters who specialize in almost anything you could want to see a person do. What more perfect opportunity arises to combine the two than in this soon-to-be Xbox classic?
And, of course, some titles need no alteration to achieve legendary porn status.
Photos courtesy of Hustler films and AriaGiovanni.com.