I listened to four versions of “Pursuit of Happiness” a sum 219 times to bring you this latest Cracked Column, every one of them drunk and then edited sober, and you are welcome for this unrequested sojourn into my dark country. Here’s your customary apocrypha: The world has been given over to the young. You […]
Hi, internet! I wrote my memoirs and pretended they were satire. I miss just about every dame I ever dated.
Hooray! I wrote a thing and it was on the internet! Fifty Shades of Grey is an erotic alternate universe fan fiction version of Twilight, and if that sentence makes no sense to you, you’re sweet to keep up with my work, Mom. For the rest of you: when Cracked and I team to remember […]
I wrote this up for Maxim. You can see what made the cut on their site, but here are the ones that fell off the map: After months of scientific study (read: drunken hookups), Maxim’s scientists have identified the most popular new sex moves of 2012. Careful! Don’t try any of these without a wheelbarrow, […]
Like this old-timey letter I wrote for National Lampoon, in which a vintage fellow writes his mother from California to inform her that he’s found the nude actress he’s going to marry. I just find the contrast between pornography and old-timey correspondence with an extra serving of politesse funny. (bumped from Sunday because they moved […]
Don’t tell my ma I wrote this Astroglide piece for Asylum. It’d break her heart to find out I’m having pre-marital comedy. Shed a tear for the deleted one-liner, “Water prevents pregnancy; that why fish can’t reproduce, right?” It were my fav’rit. You may also notice I got some of the science wrong. Look again: […]
Asylum asked me to do this chart, and though I like the aesthetic, I don’t ever want to spend two days researching and composing this kind of ghastly material ever again. Combined with the Taser research the day before, I’m sure Google has my IP address flagged under possible animal offenders. Anyway, here’s the original […]
When my parents — both writers and editors — ask how my work is going, I think they always wait for me to announce I’ve begun work on the next great American novel. But usually I haven’t because my work week is full of Photoshopping fake video game porn for my freelance clients. Meaning, I’m […]