Tag Archives : sex


New Cracked column: What to Expect When Your Ex Is Expecting

I listened to four versions of “Pursuit of Happiness” a sum 219 times to bring you this latest Cracked Column, every one of them drunk and then edited sober, and you are welcome for this unrequested sojourn into my dark country. Here’s your customary apocrypha: The world has been given over to the young. You […]

Derping de derp when derp is derping

Sometimes I write weird stuff

Like this old-timey letter I wrote for National Lampoon, in which a vintage fellow writes his mother from California to inform her that he’s found the nude actress he’s going to marry. I just find the contrast between pornography and old-timey correspondence with an extra serving of politesse funny. (bumped from Sunday because they moved […]


Dickering over size in the animal kingdom

Asylum asked me to do this chart, and though I like the aesthetic, I don’t ever want to spend two days researching and composing this kind of ghastly material ever again. Combined with the Taser research the day before, I’m sure Google has my IP address flagged under possible animal offenders. Anyway, here’s the original […]