Dan Holmes: the Man Who Married a Playstation

This was written around the turn of the millennium, and since then, I wonder if this guy ever changed his name back. Or did he change it again to PS3? As I get older and less posturing, I think, “Ah, let him do what he wants. He’s not hurting anybody. You’re okay, Dan Holmes. Do whatever makes you happy. Don’t listen to jerks like 21-year-old me who want you to conform. If you’re ever in NYC, we’ll have a beer about how you did a weird thing and I was a smug jerk about it and we’re both better people now.” I’m keeping this post live as a reminder that I thought I knew a lot back then, and now I side more with him than myself. Get bent, young me, and godspeed, Dan Holmes Playstation2. 

That said, marrying a video game console is still ridiculous. You’re almost guaranteed to trade her in for a younger model. 

Sad, Lonely Man Marries Mentally-Superior Box
Total Idiot Makes It Official
by Brendan and Thirty-Thirty.

According to CrazyFuckedUpShit.net (don’t blame us, that’s what they’re called):

Computer game fan Dan Holmes
has changed his name by deed poll to PlayStation2. Dan,
a bachelor, has £7,000 worth of PlayStation games and plays
for around four hours every day. He even claims to have
asked a few vicars to marry him to his console. “None were
keen,” the 29-year-old mail order manager from Banbury,
Oxfordshire, told the Mirror. “So I took its name instead.
PlayStation2 manufacturers Sony said: “This shows enormous

Republicans warned us this would happen if gays were allowed to exist.

People like this should be stomped in the crotch and they would be, except there’s no chance of their breeding in the first place.

You don’t need me to tell you this is a lowly thing for a man to do. You and everyone else whose mothers didn’t lick toads while pregnant figured that out by the end of the first sentence. I mean he’s a mail-order manager, so you knew to begin with he doesn’t spend his afternoons having sex with supermodels while jumping police barricades in a stolen Jaguar. And that’s coming from a guy on the internet making fun of people with the aid of a children’s cartoon robot horse.

So don’t think I’m about to rip into Dan “Playstation 2” Holmes because he’s a moron. I’m a super-crazy action scientist, and it’s my job to inspect the sociological ramifications of this event. If evil hasn’t had its ass properly kicked after I leap 20 feet in the air and form an energy globe between my palms, that’s when I dissect and make fun of it. And if the tentacle of stupidity still twitches, I burn that mother in the name of science. What am I talking about? More scotch!

Let’s start with work. As it says above, Playstation 2 (or, “PS2” as his friends would call him) is a mail-order manager. Now I don’t know what that means, except it’s probably like telemarketing only duller. Regardless, you can tell that at some point along the line, somebody has to report to him. And if you thought there was nothing more humiliating than a grown man who names himself after a computer, think about having to take orders from him. At a mail-order company.

That’s like a two-room office, and since the plaque on one of those doors now reads “Playstation 2” the one on the other must say “Employees must wash hands.” There are orphans picking broken bottles out of dumpsters who are thankful they don’t have that job, even though the dumpsters are the kind that eat children. Because it doesn’t matter if you’re Pierce Brosnan; nobody is cool enough to accept orders from a guy who renamed himself Playstation 2 and still retain their dignity.

I imagine a typical day is like this:

Worker Drone: Morning, boss.
PS2: Greetings, drone! Would you like to know my high score in ODDWORLD?
Worker Drone: Not re–
PS2: I got ALL FOUR CRYSTALS! And then I unlocked the secret door with the key of wisdom!
Worker Drone: Can I go home now?
PS2: No. Keep licking those labels. People will order my Lara Croft Chia Sculpture and we must be ready to ship. I’ll be in my office, playing Playstation 2…*chuckle* that’s ME!
Worker Drone: (extracts pistol from desk drawer)

Of course he’s a bachelor. Did you think a man with £7,000 worth of video games could manage a steady girlfriend? BRRR! And speaking of managing, I’m pretty durn sure £7,000 is more than half of a mail-order manager’s yearly salary.

What’s confusing, or maybe just sad, is he only plays it four hours a day. Four hours! A day! When I was a kid I’d find about twice that amount of time to save Zelda, and that was after school, dinner and three hours of basketball in Tommy Poblete’s backyard. And I had way more friends than this guy does. Doing something four hours a day isn’t enough to name yourself after it. If that were true, then I’m entitled to rename myself Television, Drawing, Heroin, or Lingerie Model.

The new question is what he’s doing with the rest of his days. He’s not at work, because all it takes to manage a mail-order office is a book of stamps and a general loathing for your fellow human beings, and he’s already demonstrated he has both.

There’s no way he’s taking time to cook meals or shower, because you know he sleeps in a La-Z-Boy, covered in peanut-butter cracker crumbs and half-chewed Slim Jims, probably cradling the voluptuous controller of his beloved Playstation 2.

So why does he only play it for four hours? Is the controller too slick with sweat and other fluids by then to successfully guide Crash Bandicoot across the Chasm of Despair?

A good time was had by one.

The Wedding Party:(L-R:) Lara Croft, Stimpy, Avocado Nose, Sinestro, Henry Kissenger, Octopus Man, Gargling Steve, The Gremlin, Crash Bandicoot

What’s creepiest, at least to me as a scientist (and by scientist, I mean “not scientist”) is Sony’s reaction. Nevermind that a guy in the middle of Banbury, (which correct me cause I’m wrong, was where Oscar Wilde set an entire play about ill-considered marriages) just declared himself common-law spouse of an appliance. What’s chilly is that Sony acts like this is regular for them. “Now that’s a loyal fan.” They make it sound expected and even commendable. What, were they trying to spark off a competition among chowderheads around the world? “I can’t be first to marry my Playstation, but I can be the first to have sex with it!” “Oh yeah? Well my Playstation and I are going to produce the first cyborg offspring!”

Holy horse crap! Lookit that quote from Sony! “This shows enormous loyalty”? Is that all they have to say? BRRRRR! That hombre just paid the government to let him advertise their product, and the best they can do is observe he’s a Playstation fan? Your cheap ass owes him some cash, or at least 5 minutes in a virtual bedroom with Lara Croft. He married your product, you cheap nerds, and you don’t even consumate the union? On the other hand, maybe they’re just as spoooooked by this as I am, and they don’t want to make eye contact with him.

My logical scientific conclusion is that Dan “Sherlock” Holmes is a dope, but quantifying what kind of dope proved much harder. I’m just going to boil it down to a schmuck who thought Sony would reward him with merchandise getting nothing more than a pat on the back. Hope the cost of changing your name again is worth the factory tour Sony didn’t even condescend to give you, Dan. Congratulations on your new life.