Things You Didn’t Know About Don Draper

A short list I did as a warm-up for some comedy writing about everyone’s favorite Mad Man and awful human being who is so, so much worse than Pete from accounts, but we all forgive him because he has chutzpah.

–God was originally going to spend 14 billion years making the universe what it is today, but Don Draper talked him down to 6 days so they could play golf and drink.

–When Don Draper steps outside in a rain coat, the sun has the good sense to hide.

–Don Draper is obligated to notify the authorities of any state he visits so the National Guard has time to distribute asbestos panties.

–Don Draper sips black coffee and by the time it hits the back of his tongue, it has cream and sugar.

–The rising cancer rates of the ’70s were actually due to trendsetter Don Draper getting diagnosed with the disease.

–The only reason no woman has raped Don Draper yet is he never says no.

–For most of the ’60s the surgeon general’s warning read: “Cigarettes may be hazardous to your health, but they will also make you more like Don Draper.”

–Don Draper stole a man’s identity because his own wasn’t swinging enough. Prior to that, he was Bruce Wayne.

–At the height of his success, Hugh Hefner would close his eyes and pretend at least one person in the bed was Don Draper.

–The smoke from the grassy knoll was actually Don Draper having a cigarette. Kennedy gazed upon Draper for the first time and got so jealous he self-destructed.

–When James Bond grows up, he wants to be Don Draper.