Toyfare “Rag” pitches that never made it

Pursuant to the “Hulk to Smash” article, some old pitches and notes:

–“Corpse Bride” Sequel Planned

sub: Hilton to Wed in June

(a brief one about Paris Hilton’s upcoming nuptials, with wedding director Tim Burton coordinating the ghastliness)

–“LOST” Villains Revealed

sub: Seven stranded castaways behind campaign of terror

(this, naturally, would be about Gilligan and Co.)

–“MAD” Tumbles Eagerly Toward Soft Irrelevance
(frankly, this one only works if we show the Family Guy/Simpsons cover that’s about five years too late and not that original a joke)

–J.K. Rowling Harvests More Souls
sub: Extends life another five years

(this could be about keeping herself young and healthy by collecting young minds for Satan via witchcraft. The fundamentalists were right!)

–J.K. Rowling Announces Potter Book 7: “Reloaded”

(in which the literary world’s most successful franchise in decades makes the same mistakes as The Matrix did, and gives us a crapout ending)

–Newsarama interviews Kevin Smith

sub: Website Content Now 80% Nerd, 12% Butter

(a bit of meanness about how by interviewing Smith, the site has reached fatty nerd critical mass)

–DC to release “Supermega Steaming Pile of Infinite-Plus-One Hyper-Crises”
sub: Company to Release All Possible Stories in Existence Simultaneously
Gorgeous art, impossible story:
(George Perez, Phil Jimenez, and their numberless twins on parallel worlds have been tapped to draw everything that has ever been conceived, as well as everything that has not. The mighty task, DiDio says, balances itself out by eliminating the need for writers.
Jimenez, speaking wearily from the infinite, hyper-dimensional string of desks to which he is chained, cited fatigue, friction, and deadlines as major obstacles, but explained the biggest stumbling block was drawing that which is neither physically nor visually possible. “George killed himself in the middle of the sequence in which a Square Circle with Ma Hunkel’s face steals the Infinity Gauntlet from the Marvel Universe, then kills Superman by dropping a rock so big even she can’t lift it on him.” A dehydrated Jimenez added, “Wow! I get to finish my art hero’s layouts!”)

–Grant Morrison Rises on Third Day

sub: Redeems humanity after dying on crossover

(a piece about how Grant’s exotic ideas and love for all humanity led him to literally die while working on Seven Soldiers, or, if you prefer, Grant Morrison the character from Animal Man sneaking into Seven Soldiers to die within its pages. Probably both, given the man’s theories on metafiction. Anyway, the best part is you get the line about him being tempted in the desert for 40 days and 40 nights by Warren Ellis).

–Little Nemo in Slumberland Celebrates 100th Anniversary Quietly at Home

sub: Pioneering strip ‘doesn’t want anyone fussing over me’

(October was the 100th anniversary of the strip’s debut, and nobody marked it. Boo hoo’)

–Bush Giggles Delightedly at Stikfa

sub: Thousands dead in Volcanic earthquake as President enjoys toy, snack, nap

(a bit about how easily distracted President Bush is, but can you blame him with toys this awesome? Cheney had to take it away to get him to come to dinner)

–“Shield” Figures Collect Protection from Other Toys

sub: Chiklis, Goggins Hijack Cobra Booty

(The badass cops from ‘The Shield’ demand tribute from the other toys on the building block’)

–Lego Announces New Mature Sets

sub: S&M party, Meth lab among fall releases

(Citing the enduring popularity of the multi-morphic toys well into adult age groups, Lego announced that it would begin tailoring sets to the

–Bam-Bam, Thank Ya, Ma’am
Sub: Pebbles files for divorce

(a spoof on Renee Zellweger and that country music yahoo. ‘The file for annulment cited ‘fraud’ on Mr. Rubble’s part. Publicists for Rubble and Ms. Flintstone-Rubble declined to return reporters’ calls.)

–Infinity Gauntlet Used to Make, Get Girls

sub: 30 year-old wills lingerie models with nerd fetish into existence

(“Ho ho!” Laughs nerd. “Absolute power attracts absolutely!”)

–Bionic Six wait patiently for nostalgic revival

sub: forgotten super-family fails to ride ’80s and ‘Incredibles’ waves of popularity

–Lion-O Dead at 33
sub: Chokes on Hairball
(“It was awful,” wailed Lion-O’s lifemate, Panthor. “He stuck the Sword of Omens down his throat, but he couldn’t yell “Thunder-thunder-thundercats!” without choking and wheezing.” The sword failed to extend magically and dislodge the hairball.)

–Ork-O Sadly Declines Lap Dance Offer

sub: Imp produces magical wad of bills,
(SKOKIE, ETERNIA- The Sorcerer Laureate of Eternia tearfully refused a proffered lap dance Friday, despite eagerly staring at the barbarian hordes of girls at Jiggles Exotic Dance Club. Witnesses say Orko, the extradimensional troll who serves the Eternian royal family was able to summon a magical wad of 20-dollar bills, but no lap. Without legs, the hovering necromancer was forced to decline a dance from Alysin Cane, 25. This is not the first such defeat for Orko, whose botched magical attempts perpetually amuse and annoy. In October he was rebuked by Jiggles owner Ryan Dennehy, for smelling like brimstone and hydrochloric acid, while last year he was left out of a round of body shots when it was explained the removing the scarf that covers his mouth would unleash the 58 Hounds of Grokkor, a hellbound entity condemned to hunt the sins of man for all eternity. THEN WE GO INTO THE LUSCIOUS TASTES OF THE FLESH DENIED TO THE POOR LITTLE IMP.)

and my personal favorite:

–Ask a Character Written By Brian Michael Bendis
(only because I know you won’t let me do Ask a Black Character Written by Brian Michael Bendis, who tend to provide bleeped-out swears and sassy backtalk by the bucketful!)

Dear Character Written by Brian Michael Bendis:

I’m a single mom working a full-time job with two teenagers. I love them both dearly, but I’d love to meet someone and I have no time for myself! Worse, all the men my age are either taken, or scared off by the “kid baggage.” How can I find true love?

–Hopeless in Hoboken

Dear Hopeless in Hoboken:

This is big.
You’re saying to me–excuse me, if I get this right–what you’re saying is, and I’m just guessing here. But what you’re telling me is huge, and what you’re telling me is this: you need–

I need to meet–

Meet someone. Right. And this isn’t just someone, like, excuse me, the guy at the busstop, or your gynecologist. This is like…wow. The big thing. And you can’t meet someone because you’re all alone. (and I’m not saying that vindictively, I just–wow. According to my spellcheck vindictive doesn’t have a K in it. Anyway). But you want–

True love.

Right. Not just the usual cocktails and enemas. But–hold on–okay, so you know how everyone believes in true love, but like, no one can explain what it’s like in words?


That’s because Love is blind, and it is OFFICIALLY urban legend.

Woah! You’re yanking my–

And you’re going to stay alone–Wait, listen. Stay alone, because, and I’m not saying this is true, but come on, it’s so like everyone in your situation, because you can’t admit that the problem might be with you.

So the problem is with me?

The problem is with you.


You. I’m pointing at you.

You haven’t answered my question.

Whatever. I sooooo don’t need this.

(answer continued next month in part 6 of 6, possibly 7, issues.)

A Character Written by Brian Michael Bendis is the author of five monthly advice columns appearing weekly in the Marvel universe.

A Malfunctioning Doombot ‘ all of the ego, plus homicidal robot tendencies! Plus he develops sentience halfway through the column and has an existential crisis.


Bah! So you have uncovered Doom’s ruse! It is no matter! I am possessed of the same intellect as ‘bzzkt!’almighty Doom, but with an invincible hide! And’yet, what is this disruption in my neural patterns when I ‘zzt!’ gaze on Susan Richards? Doombot does not understand your human ‘e-mo-tion’ called love!

Batroc Ze Leaper ‘ oh ho ho! It is funny when sissies zink zey are tough! Batroc’s advice surely leads one down the wrong path because he just can’t perceive when he or his audience is outclassed:

Later, in the hospital, I reflected on my glorious triumph in showing that popinjay his comeuppance!

Jeph Loeb’s Superman and Batman ‘ Featuring the extremely affectionate dialogue of the world’s finest team. These two just can’t answer a question without drifting into adoring thoughts of each other.


Dear World’s Finest Team,

My brother’s always borrowing things and never returning them! I try to be nice, but I feel he’s taking advantage of me? What can I do to let him know enough is enough?

Bruce knows to let me handle this one. He says he works best alone, but neither of us can deny the powerful results of our union this time out.

Clark’s probably doubting whether I can play ball. I’d never admit it to him, but we’re an excellent pair. His speed and my attention to detail make us the world’s finest team. He’s like the brother I might have had. The brother I’m proud to have.

A Jedi Padawan ‘ The advice of adorable little Bi’wo Cutenoggins abruptly cuts off following a joyful greeting addressed to Anakin.

Dear Jedi Padawan,

My brother’s always borrowing things and never returning them! I try to be nice, but I feel he’s taking advantage of me? What can I do to let him know enough is enough?

Anakin! Hey, look everybody, it’s Anakin! We don’t have to hide anymore, Master Anakin is here to protect us! Yay, Anakin! Take us to freedom, Anakin! We trust you to find the way! Come on, everyo’

(and then just a long, three inches of blank column. I swear, it’d be the funniest)

A Marvel PR rep ‘ Yes, no matter what the storyline coming down the pipe, Marvel ensures you’ll go bonkers! Watch as our mole at Marvel tries to spin the disastrous new storylines for 2006, only to shame himself.

Dear Marvel PR Rep,

My brother’s always borrowing things and never returning them! I try to be nice, but I feel he’s taking advantage of me? What can I do to let him know enough is enough?

Good news for your brother, Screwed in Skokie! The world’s greatest adventure magazine just got a fresh new face! That’s right, the secret is ready to be revealed; Power Pack will replace the Fantastic Four after Reed’s hubris turns the FF into alcoholic chickens! WOAH, anything can happen here at the House of Ideas! That’s great And guess who the Mystery Avenger is? After Daredevil, Elektra, Echo and John Byrne were all leaked, we went with our first pick. That’s right, Spider-Man’s new nemesis The Other! Who, in turn, will be revealed to be Uncle Ben. You love it! Keep an eye out for all eight alternate covers!