Oscar Fever Is Making Me Sick

New piece up at Asylum: If the Oscars Were Honest, starring gobs of Photoshopped movie posters.

Sunday is Oscar night, and while that means nothing to anyone who doesn’t read gossip magazines, we still can’t escape their buzz. So we know that the categories and winners aren’t exactly straightforward. As the film industry dislocates its shoulder patting itself on the back, we have some suggestions to bring honesty and awesometicity to the Academy Awards:

First, we have Best Actor. Deserving nominees can’t compete with the tabula rasa that christens itself Nicolas Cage. An ordinary Best Actor statuette doesn’t capture the undiluted dramatic power of Cagedom. We propose a new category: Best Overwrought Nicolas Cage Performance.

Keep reading for more of our own awards and posters.

Milla Jovovich also throws herself into every role she takes, be it terrible action movie, terrible horror film, or terrible indie comedy. Did you know she trained three hours a day for months prior to Resident Evil: Apocalypse? Why? There are Taco Bell commercials with better plotlines than that train wreck. There needs to be an award for Best Milla Jovovich Performance in a Movie That Didn’t Deserve Her Commitment.

Then there are the supporting roles. We all know the winner’s never judged on just the role that he’s nominated for, and these categories are where Hollywood likes to reward the larger context. That’s why the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor Dead or Near Death goes to…

Actresses as a whole face a tougher challenge than actors; there’s an entire industry devoted to tracking their body fat. The rule of thumb is if a beautiful woman does something, it’s pop, but if an unattractive woman does it, it’s art. Therefore we’re creating the Best Artificially Dowdy Actress Drawing Attention to Her Acting Ability.

Look, we’re not saying most action films are transcendent statements of human suffering. We’re just saying if 90 percent of everything is crap, then so are most films that only college professors own on Blu-ray. The award for Most Pretentious Film People Are Afraid Not to Admire goes to…

On a similar note, there’s a category for Best Foreign Language Film. The winner’s usually pretty good, even though the category implies an inferior English-language flick wins Best Picture every time. The fact is, American audiences just don’t have the mental software to enjoy a lot of stories outside our frame of reference, so why not re-brand this Most Incomprehensible Foreign Film?

Speaking of foreign films, how come a remake of one is the only time Martin Scorsese gets his due? Let’s be frank, this category should be Best Director Who Isn’t Martin Scorsese Even Though Martin Scorsese Is The Best Director.

They’ve never explained what makes the Best Animated Film separate. Is it the quality of animation? Or is it just a great film that would get its butt kicked in the other categories because cartoons are perceived as kid stuff? The best stories of the century have all come from one studio, so let’s just re-name this one Best Pixar Film and Live-Action Is Lucky It’s Stuck in This Category.

It’s easier to make an audience cry than it is to laugh, but there’s still no respect for the clowns in the Academy’s hall of heroes. It’s time to come clean and recognize Best Picture That Should Have Won Best Picture but It’s a Comedy.
And, of course, a special award must go to the people who walk the red carpet. Let’s have a Best Performance by an Actor Pretending Not to Be Disgusted With Melissa & Joan Rivers.