LivingSocial and I are gonna make babies together

Hi, it’s me! Brendan! Still trying to make ends meet. I mean, I love freelance, I just need to do it somewhere other than New York, so’s I can earn more than my rent. Or hey, a day job. Or both! And that’s how I submitted samples to LivingSocial.

Sample #1: Poppy

What to order, what to order…baby, why antagonize yourself? Thali doesn’t want you to have to choose. Seattle Magazine’s “Hottest table in town” specializes in sampler platters rather than treat you wrong like all those pick-one-entree-and-be-damned restaurants. That means you and your date can take turns feeding each other gastronomic delights like herbed white sausage or lavender duck. For pete’s sake, when have you ever had lavender anything, let alone duck? Remember also to gaze soulfully into each other’s eyes and murmur romantic pleasantries like, “Can you believe we’re eating $50 worth of food for just $25?” and “Good news! I’m not pregnant!” Gosh, you are just nine kinds of win today, young lovers.


Sample #2: Miami Standard Spa

You have to love a spa where a 90-minute hydrotherapy/scented oil massage is called “The Standard.” Or DO you? What if your heart is incapable of love, even at a place willing to knock a $150 price tag down to just 60 bucks? Oh, you’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch. You’re also the one who needs this massage most of all, because these holistic practitioners are going to roll that bitter tension right out of you. You’ll also receive a personal consultation to ensure your heart has grown three sizes, because The Miami Standard Spa’s love is unconditional. But seriously, if your heart is two sizes too small, that’s a serious medical issue.