Why does Mozart look the most high of the three?
Original text below the cut, since they abbreviated some jokes and made less fun of juggalos and didn’t call out Eminem. I gotta admit though, bully bison was a pretty good addition.
Animals — they’re just like us! They take care of their kids (except when they eat them), they’re afraid of people, and they have large antlers growing out of their foreheads. But the way animals are most like people is that the majority of them are jerks. Just check out this collection of our furry and finny friends showing no concept of fair play. Or maybe, like most jerks, they know what it is and just don’t care.
Let’s start off with a relatively understandable case before we reach distilled animal-dickery. This bear’s just hanging out on a Polish talk show when he notices a lady and then does what bears are gonna do. We’re not saying the trainer should have known better, we’re just saying it’s a bad idea to bring a karate chop to a bear fight.
A little less clear is why this supposed herbivore is pummeling a dog. Was the dog minding its own business? Trying to chase the deer off? Or simply take it down for food? If that’s the case, you knew the risks when you thought to tackle a deer without the rest of the pack, dog. Besides, that dear doesn’t look sick and it’s plainly not weak.
The whole point of penguins is to have some animals that don’t know human beings are terrible, so we can walk up to them and say, “Oh, Mr. Penguin, you are adorable in your formal wear with your little stubby wings and fat torpedo body! Will you be my friend forever?” and then you sing a duet about friendship. What’s not supposed to happen is this needle-beaked bird getting all “Back up, man! You in my space!” but saying it in penguin-language, which is “AWK! Awk! Awkawkawk!” Sheesh, guy just wanted a hug. No need to be a dick about it.
A little territorial behavior is understandable, but what happens when animals start sabotaging their friends, usually for no good reason? Watch these dolphins and just try to pretend the T-bone is anything other than a deliberate job to make Flipper’s podmate look stupid.
Even though this turtle has plenty of room, he decides to let his shellmate know who the alpha is.
But for a real jerk move in the field of turtle ninjitsu, watch this bird act out. First he pauses to make sure his owner is watching, because he has mischief planned. Tell us he isn’t smiling as he dropkicks his turtle buddy into what could have been a gruesome landing, but for the hand of fate. Then the bastard checks his handiwork.
Sometimes it escalates all the way to voluntary manslaughter. This bison’s got troubles enough with a wolfpack, but almost gets away, until his no-good friend upends and tramples him. It’s not even like literally throwing him to the wolves is going to make a better escape for the scumbag bison; he puts himself right in the middle of the danger to make sure the first guy never gets up. We’re not sure what just happened, but it certainly has something to do with one stealing the other’s girlfriend.
Thanks to our buddies at GifBin for the supply of images! Or…videos. It’s a blurry line.
Brendan McGinley is nice to the animals
After twenty years of hustling and/or rustling, you have to respect Insane Clown Posse’s tenacity, if not their talent. Critics hate them, Disney yanked the carpet out from under them, and practically no one pretends to understand them, and yet they keep selling millions of records. This is a group that once had to bawl out Eminem for attempting to capitalize on their rep. It seems life can punch the Juggalo family all it wants, but it will never knock them down for the count. Here are the five most triumphant moments for the family of floobs in 2011:
1) They got their own documentary.
Director Sean Dunne and his crew visited this year’s Gathering of the Juggalos to learn what it meant to be one.”Family” and “not judging appearance” took top spots. Witness: Juggalos in their own words! Caution: the NSFW documentary contains full-frontal female nudity and all the swears you would expect a Juggalo to holler.
2) Charlie Sheen asked to become a Juggalo.
The Tiger Blood Wizard had his rep contact ICP this year and ask if he could join in the festivities, and even took a massive paycut for his appearance. Wait…you can just offer your company to people and then charge them thousands of dollars for it? Why have we been hanging out for free, then? Oh, right. Because you’re spiffy, Clutch audience. We love you so very much. You’re like our family: our crusty, Juggalish family.
3) They covered Mozart with Jack White.
Everyone respects Mozart and everyone cool respects the White Stripes, so what does it mean that Jack White enlisted ICP to record the prodigy’s dirtiest ditty? That’s pretty good classical music for two clowns and a guy who looks like Willy Wonka. Or does Willy Wonka look like Jack White? Or do they BOTH look like Mozart without his wig? No one can say, and we must be content with the answer in our hearts.
4) They signed Vanilla Ice to Psychopathic Records.
A white kid spitting awkward rhymes while the whole world tells him how much he sucks? Heck, Vanilla Ice was a Juggalo before ICP even existed. And while it’s easy to make fun of Vanilla (aw yeah, boyeeeeeee!) remember that his music was so valuable at one time the that Suge “Lex Luthor” Knight stalked him around America to procure the rights. See, kids, you stick around long enough and everyone respects you. Triumph!
5) The FBI upgraded them to gang status!
For a group whose entire identity is about not fitting in and not playing around, this is the most solid validation they could hope for. Now being a juggalo isn’t just for kids who have been bullied by the jocks; it’s an official tribe of criminal warriors! Whoop WHOOP!
Brendan McGinley was a rudeboy a million years ago.