I Watched 24 Episodes of Pacific Blue in a Row

This ran in Maxim last month (hooray! I’m in print! Boo! I’m in a dying medium.) but we clipped it down to more of a timeline. As a reward for enduring this surprisingly harmless and not-terribly-stupid-but-yeah-kinda-dorky-yet-charming show, they plopped me down the next month in front of the first season of Game of Thrones. I’ve never been much for sword and sorcery, but since everyone on the planet is screaming about how good it is, I was excited to be blobbing out to it for one solid day, and it was literally and figuratively fantastic.

Can you imagine the person who needs to own 101 episodes of Pacific Blue? This is a show that ran the five years of adolescence that I most needed to see sexy beach crime, and I’ve still never heard of it. The complete series box set has the same production quality as a disc of your niece’s bat mitzvah, but with less chance of ever being played. My only goal is to survive long enough to see Adam West’s appearance.

Season 1, Episode 1: Pilot

  • Darlene Vogel is dressed as a milk carton and chasing a guy with awful hair. I’d better grab a bottle.
  • Why yes, that is Mickey Dolenz playing Mayor Mickey Dolenz.

Season 1, Episode 2: First Shoot

  • Oh Jesus, it’s Basic Cable’s Black People™, conversing in rap.

Season 1, Episode 3: No Man’s Land

  • Most of this show is cops pedaling furiously but arriving too late. I believe I must drink.

Season 1, Episode 4: Over the Edge

  • Lem from The Shield is part of a Point Break gang who pit their bikes against armored cars. Yes, I said that.
  • Ringleader, gazing down a hill. “We call this one ‘The Hill.’ ”
  • A cop just crashed through a truck’s windshield, and the truck lost. I hate you, world.

Season 1, Episode 5: Out of the Past

  • 90% of crime is committed by bicyclists and skaters, yet the cops still can’t catch them.
  • This cat burglar waits till you’re having sex to steal your wallet. Law & Order, take note.

Season 1, Episode 6: Takedown

  • Vogel’s date produced a BDSM costume three seconds into their first kiss. Why can’t I be that smooth?

Season 1, Episode 7: Heatwave

  • Strippers, snipers, and rogue backhoes. Drinking is how I stay sane.
  • If you’re a dude with a high forehead, you are a criminal in Santa Monica.

Season 1, Episode 8: Burnout

  • Drug dealers in the ’90s dress like twelve-year-olds today.

Season 1, Episode 9: Moving Target

  • I bet Paula Trickey is someone’s really hot mom these days.

Season 1, Episode 10: Captive Audience

  • Holy crow, Walton Goggins! He and his high forehead dabble in bank robbery, but his real passion is rape.
  • Booze, you and I are gonna get through this together.
  • Dear 1990s: why did you tell people suspenders and a t-shirt were a good idea?

Season 1, Episode 11: The Phoenix

  • Pyromaniac with a flamethrower! A man juggling a chainsaw while balancing on a cylinder! A python! Producers: Spin-off.
  • SPOILER: The guy covered in burns is the arsonist.

Season 1, Episode 12: The Big Spin

  • They just let a cop cruiser tow them and they still didn’t catch the crooks. Drink x3.

Season 1, Episode 13: All Jammed Up

  • Another X-treme crook gleams the cube and escapes; Officer Hotness’s brother has a high forehead and a life of crime. This isn’t a drinking game; it’s a survival mechanism.

Season 2, Episode 1: Lights Out

  • What kind of lousy bomber blows up lifeguard towers?
  • Impossible bike trick. Drink.

Season 2, Episode 2: The Daystalker

  • Clowns doing bike stunts. I’m scared. Is this a dream?
  • There’s finally a black man on this show, but he’s literally magical.

Season 2, Episode 3: Rapscallions

  • NOTHING IS HAPPENI—okay, there’s a fire.

Season 2, Episode 4: Bangers

  • The great thing about taking on a heavily armed gang is once you arrest their leader the rest drift away.
  • Officer Hotness and Officer Marrying Kind had a week-long sleepover that ended in a food fight.

Season 2, Episode 5: Point Blank

  • This guy’s on foot and he still got away. CHUG.
  • This is the episode where children and hobos get guns.

Season 2, Episode 6: The Enemy Within

  • Hey, it’s Kelly Hu before she had superpowers. A great manicure is a superpower, right?

Season 2, Episode 7: Line in the Sand

  • The bunny-boiler isn’t nearly as crazy as the surfers who can’t abide kayaking. What the hell did I just write?

Season 2, Episode 8: Undercover

  • Rollerblading hoods escape three times. A record! Drink till you choke.

Season 2, Episode 9: Genuine Heroes

  • Guest-starring Charles Napier as That Guy!

Season 2, Episode 10: Cranked Up

  • Drinking is the new sleep.

Season 2, Episode 11: Deja Vu

  • This episode is about bikini girls beating up douchebags and mimes. Or maybe I dozed through one. Either way, I see crooks on bikes. There is no hell nor heaven, no world beyond our senses. All is the work of a trickster god. Pacific Blue is the only truth: perfect and formless, without beginning or end. Behold! I have become immortal! I am Pacific Blue!