Sure, name one Vanilla Ice song and survey says it’s “Ice, Ice, Baby.” Name two and it’s “Ninja Rap.” Name three and I am growing uncomfortable with this line of questioning, sir, get out of my living room. But if you want the most characteristic Vanilla Ice song, it has to be the confused seduction of “Now & Forever” from his sophomore album, Mind Blowin’. Its supremely mixed messages are the basis of today’s column over at 1-900-HOTDOG, and I will definitively answer every question you have about it, while somehow leaving you with more than you came in with.
Whenever I’m stumped for a 1-900-HOTDOG pitch, I just ask myself what madness was so incongruent to my understanding of the world I have spent years trying to convince others of it. There’s always a CD or a comic or a bootleg VHS in my life’s purchases that furnishes new artifacts. You have to subscribe to read it, but you get a couple years’ worth of daily comedy articles for a penny a month, so what the hell? Here’s a buck, go buy yourself a lifetime subscription. (Note: You will die in the next decade. Sorry to tell you this way.)