Bill O’Reilly Can’t Conceive the Kids Are Alright

Last year I put on my hazmat suit and opened up The O’Reilly Factor for Kids, Bill O’Reilly’s scolding scribejob on the millennial youth. This year, I drank again from the well of my hatred, and 5000 words later, I had to cut out 1000 words that had no jokes, only vitriol. What’s left is the second installment of the annual Thanksgiving lecture from your ultimate Blustery Fox Uncle, a man who is not a dumbass, but too arrogant to ever inform himself of more than he needs to yell at everyone else.

It was one of the toughest articles I ever wrote, but it was also weeks of fun to put together, and I am pretty confident this is the funniest piece I’ve turned in over at 1-900-HOTDOG. Please enjoy The O’Reilly Factor for Kids II: Your Private Life, in which Unca Bill waxes and indeed froths on Money, Sex, Drugs, and other fun vices. This is peak and piqued and peaked Bill O’Reilly, so enjoy it; next year he’s going to take this bullshit into the public forum with what I’m confident will be terrible advice about navigating school from a man who, by his own telling, got frozen out of his own friend group because he was so likely to ruin a fun dance.