The Beverly Hills Teens Lived a Cursed World

What if we’re in hell and we just don’t know it? That’s the question explored by every single episode of Beverly Hills Teens, last seen in my 1-900-HOTDOG debut. We return to that poisoned well today with “Look Deep Into My Eyes,” a hypnotism episode that asks, “What if young Donald Trump had been given complete mental command of everyone he met?” It will not shock you to learn that it goes horribly awry! Pierce Thorndyke III steals a hypnotic eye marble and immediately–I mean this, without ANY hesitation–enslaves everyone he’s ever met who isn’t his mother, who is also Margaret Thatcher. I’m not saying you have to read this new comedy article of mine right now, but I am saying if you wait, it could be too late.

What’s a HOTDOG membership these days, $3 a month? You can’t even buy beer that cheap at a bar, and that’s a mere 20 minutes of happy conversation with a friend. This site gives you about 10 hours of belly laughs a month for that price. Are your friends that funny? Really? All your friends equal a Brockway + Seanbaby hybrid with a smattering of Us Usual Gang of Idiots? Well dang, good luck buying their company with $3 of beer a month, then.

Anyway, of course this episode’s about Pierce again, because as Radley says, “Pierce and hot dogs just go together.” I tried so hard not to make Trump comparisons throughout this piece, since Pierce was pretty clearly the snooty Transatlantic type from your Caddyshacks and Porky’ses.

Sidebar: Radley is voiced by a guy named Hadley, and this makes me gladly. Hadley Kay also did some adorable car commercials when he was six and seems to be a very good guy today, so I’m officially adding Radley to the list of ’80s cartoon characters I would invite to my next BBQ. I think he’d hit it off with Quick Kick from The Bionic Six.

But God, this episode oozes Trump. You know how Eric Cartman seemed ridiculously impossible until we saw Trump as he is? The ironclad ego from the most outlandish satire on TV was suddenly real and had nukes? Well this is the functional version. Pierce’s dysmorphia about being on a diet while eating nothing but sweets the entire episode…having someone else do his push-ups for him because he thinks he has a limited amount of life energy…so much Trump is in here. Pierce slips and trips half a dozen times in this episode, and that’s not counting his fall from the heavens from a runaway kite. No wonder the old man version, with much less cartilage, has the characteristically Trumpy fear of falling.

Pierce honestly believes he’s the most unselfish, self-sacrificing person seconds before he flash-boots his friends’ minds. Tell me that’s not the work of a guy who said, “I’m the most humble person you’ve ever met, believe me.”

And why does he do it? Because THEY ALL LAUGH AT HIM. This is exactly how Trump decided to run for president. It’s just the White House Correspondents’ Dinner if he’d been surrounded by teens in swimsuits, which is a thing he has bragged about doing.

It just continues. Pierce is buying everything he wants but will never use, and spending others’ money to do it. This entire episode is futilely warning us about our future Angry Bullfrog President: well-trod ground for this show, but note that he even hogs all the ice cream for himself: another Trump boast.

All of this without getting into the non-consensual cornering of women, too dark for me to analyze on a Tuesday morning. I’m…I’m scared to watch the rest of the episodes and see what other warnings await us.