• Baby Boxing Is the Secret Origin of the Navy SEALs
    That’s my theory and you can’t convince me otherwise. The Navy sponsored baby boxing and 20 years later we got the first SEALs. Coincidence? An awfully convenient one, I say. Oh, what’s that? Yes, you heard correctly. Toddler. Goddamn. BOXING. Sure, we know about the kids brutalized in coke mines and upon printing presses, but … Read more
  • Comedy at Ground Zero
    Over at the ol’ 1-900-HOTDOG, I watched a couple of vintage U.S. Civil Defense videos on how to survive nuclear fallout without your shadow being burnt into a wall or puking up your own internal organs. “Walt Builds a Family Fallout Shelter” segues into “Fallout: When and How to Protect Yourself” with so much existential … Read more
  • The Most Faithful* DCEU Production Ever Is a 1979 TV Movie
    Are you scared about the future? Scared about the present? Scared there’s no future? Let the past reassure you, thanks to the most devoted* adaptation of the DC Universe ever put to film. Over at 1-900-HOTDOG I reviewed Legends of the Superheroes: The Challenge and The Roast, and found them strangely wonderful? They do exactly … Read more
  • Red Shoe Diaries: “Kidnap”
    Beautiful people! Boxy clothes! A narrowly heteronormative view of sexuality! Zero fear of AIDS! Welcome to Hollywood’s view of sexy in the ’90s. Oh, it was a strange time, when it was still shameful to be a Nazi, but The Simpsons caused an uproar for saying “Hell…”
  • ‘City Dragon’: This Indie Drama Doesn’t Know It’s a Kung-Fu Video Game
    As I roll into another year as a 1-900-HOTDOG columnist, I’m starting to notice that the bulk of my accepted pitches are the DVDs or even VHS tapes that I bought as bootlegs in comic book stores more than half a lifetime ago, sprinkled with the occasional e-book I saved to mock back in the … Read more
  • The Pumblechook & Figg 2021 Christmas Catalogue Is Here!
    Not every year, but every year in the hearts of children around the world, I find enough time to put together the H.P. Dickenscraftian index of purchasable commerce-goods known as The Pumblechook & Figg Catalogue. This Skymall of nightmares is a lot of extra work, but so worth it when it runs and it looks … Read more
  • Bill O’Reilly Was the Most Emblematic Asshole of the ’00s
    I could fill a list with what’s great about writing for the 1-900-HOTDOG pirate ship and its kind yet twisted crew, and I wouldn’t be too many entries in before it comes up that no era or area are off-limits. If you can make a fighting manual from the 19th Century into comedy that fits … Read more
  • Jack Chick’s ‘The Crusaders’ Is a Yawn That Never Ends
    If you didn’t get a Chick tract in your Halloween pillowcase this year, I’ve got you covered. I read Jack Chick’s The Crusaders #1 over at 1-900-HOT-DOG (and its Patreon). The Crusaders was Jack Chick’s first full-sized and full-length comic book. I grew up Catholic—definitely too Catholic, if you had to suffer through my company … Read more
  • ‘Verotika’ Is the Worst Movie Ever Made
    Do you think that’s a clickbait headline? Those are the most carefully chosen words of my existence, and I’ve had to counsel friends through trauma. I have never seen a film so ignorant in the language of film. It’s as though Glenn Danzig is inventing the medium from scratch in the 1880s, except if Glenn … Read more
  • Captain Marvel vs. Captain Ghost!
    Hoo boy, this is a Golden Age villain like no other: a murderous 13-year-old child from Chattanooga. I examined his only appearance, a face-off against Captain Marvel (the Shazam one) to figure out which of this kids was the grimmest in their crimefighting. The answer is the one you’d think, but the reason–hoo boy, nobody … Read more
  • Light Emerging Is Quite the Rainbow of Bullshit
    My second monthly column is up at 1-900-HOT-DOG (and on its Patreon), and hoo boy, it was a doozy. Light Emerging is a whole lot of wild claims, and even with hard cuts, I had to cram it into 800 words past my target word count.
  • War Crime Comics: The Hood
    I am now a monthly columnist at 1-900-HOT-DOG, building upon my previous guest posts. Featuring a snazzy new painting of moi by old friend and polymath comic wizard Michael Bramley! First article: War Crime Comics: The Hood, a Nerding Day adventure in which I look into the Golden Age of superhero comics to examine not … Read more
  • 1-900-HOT-DOG: The Return of Count Spirochete
    Our tour of Etiquette: Naval Style continues at 1-900-HOT-DOG with The Return of Count Spirochete. Newly empowered to seduce blondes and brunettes, our brave sailors found their lives now imperiled by the dreaded VD. I learned a lot watching this PSA for comedy, and most of what I learned involved terrible things happening to babies, … Read more
  • 1-900-HOT-DOG: Blondes Prefer Gentlemen
    Back in the ’60s the Navy realized that trapping a bunch of young men in metal canisters far from daily society was not the incubator for social poise that they needed. Discipline? Yes. Grace and charm? Not innately, no. So they made two films, “Blondes Prefer Gentlemen” and “How to Succeed With Brunettes” that have … Read more
  • 1-900-HOT-DOG: Where Are the Beverly Hills Teens Now?
    Ugh, teens, they’re the worst. Except for the elderly, who are trying to take us all with them when they die. And middle-aged people, we’re boring. And children, who are irrational animals. And babies, who pollute everything. Anyway, the worst teens, as you might expect, are the rich ones. That’s why over at 1-900-HOT-DOG I … Read more
  • I’m Talking Comics on ‘The Dogg Zzone 9000’
    If you’re not following the Robert Brockway/Seanbaby weaponized comedy of 1-900-HOT-DOG, what a terrible way to find out you are your own antagonist. And speaking of secret identities, I’m talking superhero comics with the Hot Dog top dogs themselves in the latest episode of their Dogg Zzone 9000 podcast, “Comic Books That HAD to Be … Read more
  • Cracked: 5 Bizarre Comics Written By, And Starring, Celebrities
    After a miserably unproductive 2016,* at least I kicked off this year in writing correctly by returning to Cracked with this piece on comics that celebrities wrote starring themselves…and how they got weird fast. Weird celebrity comics are nothing new. Bob Hope had a long-running series in which he sexually harassed women. Pat Boone just popped … Read more
  • NATIONAL LAMPOON: An Oral History of Space Jam
    It’s the 20th anniversary of cinema’s greatest work about Looney Tunes vs. space monsters starring Michael Jordan, a hot mess that should by no means work, considering it’s the same era that gave us Extreme Toonz. But did! To that end, here’s my PA’s-eye-view of how the film got made over at National Lampoon. Friends, … Read more
  • Rejected McSweeney’s Pitch: H.P. Lovecraft’s Fiancée Responds to His Love Letter
    The weird thing about HP Lovecraft is even when he smiled he never opened his mouth. There are photos of him laughing with his friends and — whom I shall now, for SEO purposes say was HP Lovecraft’s wife –Sonia and he’s still tight-lipped like he’s Woodrow Wilson or something. The other weird thing is … Read more
  • Rejected Cracked Pitches: Two Donald Trump Pieces
    Two rejected pitches from this year as you go out to vote, as they were submitted to my betters. Thought it might be neat to take a peak into the sausage-making process. A Guide to Third-Party Candidates I really wanted this one to fly, I’ve had the idea for years of nominating a dog to the … Read more
  • Cracked: ‘Frozen’ Fan Theory: Hans Is a Pawn
    I had never heard of Frozen  the night I went to see it, appropriately, in a blizzard. I just wanted to try a new ramen restaurant with my lady, and we didn’t want the evening to end. So: tip — you can give Jin Ramen in Harlem a miss; it’s pedestrian. Go to Ippudo or Totto … Read more
  • Cracked: 9 Iconic Superheroes Based on Real People
    Look! Superheroes you didn’t know had real-life counterparts! So: story time. My favorite Super Bowl memory was that time I didn’t see Janet Jackson’s breast. 
  • My Cracked Midterm Review
    Oh man, I have not been good with the posty-posty about my Cracked work this year. I’ve never had my computer on so little as in 2015. I’m getting about one article a month up between my day job and a couple high-yield freelance opportunities I can’t talk about until they’re reality (but oh boy oh boy … Read more
  • Strewth, Scotch Makes a Man!
    I praised whiskey over at Cracked today, because somebody wanted to offer me money to do that. I mean, I was doing it anyway, but now I’m doing it in public. Here, enjoy some bonus content from when this article was all about scotch rather than whiskey in general: Scotch = self-awareness And that’s why … Read more
  • 5 Performers Who Succeeded with Dubious Talents
    I’m back at Cracked! This week’s article is about people who either lacked talent but succeeded BECAUSE of it, (not despite, which would describe most of the Billboard 100 who are just ciphers for the music industry execs to make the records they want to make) although in editing the title got changed to 5 Star Performers Who … Read more