1980s

The Beverly Hills Teens Lived in a Cursed World

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What if we’re in hell and we just don’t know it? That’s the question explored by every single episode of Beverly Hills Teens, last seen in my 1-900-HOTDOG debut. We return to that poisoned well today with “Look Deep Into My Eyes,” a hypnotism episode that asks, “What if young Donald Trump had been given … Read more

Remember the Experimental Theatre Ad for Legend of Zelda?

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legend of zelda commercial 80s

Advertisers in the ’80s had no idea what to do with video games. Think of everything you’ve seen depicted in Mad Men, now picture those exact same survivors of childhood in the Depression, but older and just burning their days until retirement, trying to sell 8-bit computer games to children in a decade exultant in … Read more

1-900-HOT-DOG: Where Are the Beverly Hills Teens Now?

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Beverly Hills Teens Wilshire -- simp?

Ugh, teens, they’re the worst. Except for the elderly, who are trying to take us all with them when they die. And middle-aged people, we’re boring. And children, who are irrational animals. And babies, who pollute everything. Anyway, the worst teens, as you might expect, are the rich ones. That’s why over at 1-900-HOT-DOG I … Read more

Seven ’80s Cartoons Better Than the Ones You Watched

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Bravestarr and 30-30 are bros for life

Kids who grew up in the 1980s were blessed. While adults from that time only remember authoritarian anti-Communist jingo vs. authoritarian actual Communist nuclear terror, all stewing in an invisible health crisis, we were blissfully consuming sugary cereals and some of the finest animation options to ever grace a screen. Sure, the scripts were all ludicrous and hinged on logic that would blast even a child’s understanding of storytelling, but it’s all better than the weird videos on YouTube written for and by AI programs.

And yet, do not say that just because we had Transformers and G.I. Joe, we were rich. The really great cartoons lurked below the cultural landscape, toiling in the nostalgia mines. Their work made them strong, and they hold up in a way the frail former Masters of the Universe do not today. Here’s how you should have spent your youth:

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