UPDATE: I’m told this is a Spongebob thing. Still, that’s a funny show, so this kid had good influences, at least.
Back in the mid-’10s, I needed a distraction-free writing tool. I bought an AlphaSmart 3000, but I didn’t use it much. This year, I gave it my semi-annual go, only to realize the keyboard is the problem. That got me curious if you could replace the keyboard (yes) without much trouble (no) and that, in turn, led me to the nerdy rabbit hole of mechanical keyboards. And I don’t care if I’ve been programmed by the hype, it’s so much more satisfying as a heavy typist to smash away on clickety blue switches or thocky red ones than this, admittedly pretty satisfying Spectre membrane. (Also, the left CTRL is just more accessible on mech boards than laptop keys? But I digress from my digression.) The end result is that I decided to fuse a bunch of things I wanted to learn about electronics and coding into a hobby that will burn more time from writing than the AlphaSmart 3000’s mushy keyboard ever could. But at least I’m growing and learning.
So as a result, I’ve been buying beat-up AlphaSmart 3000s on YouTube and tinkering with them to build beautiful, focused writing machines. Soon I’ll get a PCB design and turn a couple of them into mechanical keyboards, because building mech boards into vintage electronics is my dumb new hobby. But this story is something else. This story is called “The Ugly Barnacle” and it has been sitting in hiding on an AlphaSmart 3000 for at least a decade, probably two.
When you buy 20-year-old word processors on eBay for parts, they’re usually still loaded with the previous authors’ work. Most of these are salvaged from schools. It’s full of what you’d expect: class notes, poetry, Pokemon fanfic, notes to friends…one had what looked like silkscreen instructions for class. But I found this story, and it seemed wrong to just clear the file when I’m trying to build something that authors can use to preserve their thoughts. So if you had English with Raus or Stilber in Room 510 at Dexter Community Schools in Ann Arbor, MI: hi from the retrofuture, I have your AlphaSmart. You can get it back if you want.
All typos have been preserved, as these AlphaSmarts were never really about editing but transcription of thoughts. Get it all out there and fix it in WordPerfect like a sap because in the ’90s Microsoft Office still costs money. That’s the way to do it. Anyway, enjoy it, as I have. And again, the keyboard was mush. It was easier to remember where mistakes where than to fret about correcting them and lose the momentum.