What’s in That Tub of Cool Whip?

Cool Whip: The very name conjures up images of tasty summer treats that even those lame lactose-intolerant (or as we like to call them, lactose bigoted) kids can eat. But really, do you know what you’re putting in your body? No? Well for crying out loud, man, that’s what Asylum’s here for. Read on to see our … Read more

The 12 Most Amazing (and Useless) Wikipedia Entries


Someone in England wrote this article, and then I Americanized it, turning every wry witticism into toilet humor. I also swapped out odd-toed ungulates for Alpha Flight, because they’re terrible, whereas ungulates are an alright order of mammals in my book. Wikipedia page: Donaudampf schiffahrtselektrizitatenhaupt betriebswerkbauunterbeamtengesellschaft (all one word) Which is what? An incredibly long … Read more

Hannibal’s view

Here’s my very first Asylum article, followed by some bonus material. Happy birthday, President Washington! What made Ol’ Wooden Chompers the Father of Our Country (besides spending all of mom’s money on drink), was his sheer will to make the army function. When the Pennsylvania Line mutinied, Washington did the unexpected: He took their grievances … Read more