‘Verotika’ Is the Worst Movie Ever Made

Do you think that’s a clickbait headline? Those are the most carefully chosen words of my existence, and I’ve had to counsel friends through trauma. I have never seen a film so ignorant in the language of film. It’s as though Glenn Danzig is inventing the medium from scratch in the 1880s, except if Glenn … Read more

You’re Not Crazy: Hereditary Was a Bad Movie

My face during the first 20 minutes of Hereditary
My face during the last 100 minutes of Hereditary. (credit: A24)

Last night, for the first time in my decades upon this earth, I asked a movie theater for my money back. They declined, and I can have no peace, because the most heartfelt statement of my 2018 will be this: God, I hate Donald Trump. But a close second? Hereditary is a bad movie. Not only bad, but the worst film experience I have ever endured, and I made it through the entire Uma Thurman/Ralph Fiennes AvengersHereditary is a film so laborious, so tedious, so consummately PONDEROUS, I was writhing in my seat with frustration for at least eight hours of this 127-minute movie.

Spoilers below, probably, I can’t tell yet because I’m still furious with this film, so I’m not sure of everything I’ll say.

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Two New Cracked columns!

I wrote Five Reasons Cinco de Mayo is the Most American Holiday Ever last week, and then Five Folklore Monsters Hollywood Should Make into Films a couple days later. But–what, ho! A twist! The latter was completed first?! Zounds! All the “Tip!” pictures on the Cinco de Mayo page were from my vacation in Mexico … Read more