New Cracked column: What to Expect When Your Ex Is Expecting

I listened to four versions of “Pursuit of Happiness” a sum 219 times to bring you this latest Cracked Column, every one of them drunk and then edited sober, and you are welcome for this unrequested sojourn into my dark country.

Here’s your customary apocrypha:

The world has been given over to the young. You are grown old without ever making your mark. You lost. On the plus side: without kids, you can sleep in on Saturdays, and you’ll have plenty of money to spread over the hole in your heart.

I’m kind of proud of this list of sexually transmitted infections I made up. The CDC should make me the guy in charge of inventing new diseases for the CIA to use when they want to wipe out people who believe in conspiracy theories:

• Clambone
• Lovetrench rot
• Sponginads
• Whore’s bloom
• Herpes Simplex III: The Final Battle
• Kardashingitis
• Wandering tattoo syndrome
• The weeping whelks
• UCLA Freshman’s Rash
• Blue colony
• Objectivism
• Chalk-Piss
• Pregnancy itself, in a way
• Sizzlegroin
• That weird thing where your genitals are a gateway to another dimension
• The Irish curse
• Hitler pox
• The Saw franchise
• My poor wee chap fever
• The Grungks
• Frontal flatulence
• Unnamed strain found exclusively in members of Motley Crüe.
• Sqrgrlfxx, the Disease from Beyond!
• Love. Love is the most virulent STI of all

I’ve had a couple of exes get pregnant, and while you’re always happy for them, there is a strange feeling that your life is essentially the same as it was in college, while theirs is well on its way to Stage III. This article is not really about that, though. It’s about that feeling shot through the prism of being still hung up on your ex, because that’s where all my best comedy is. Please enjoy it, because it features probably the funniest chart I’ve done since Parts of a Cow:

You pretty much give me any kind of biological schematic, I’m going to turn my ignorance into comedy

Also, it’s about my saying goodnight to that, since I’m not in that phase of life like I was when I was writing Martini-a-Go-Go. So while that feeling made an article ostensibly about martinis pretty funny, I bring it onstage now only to kill and bury it. Because unlike Teddy Roosevelt, I don’t have the luxury of a wilderness to escape into and hunt criminals for two years.

Onward, lads! New frontiers!


Cracked Column: I Taught the Internet Something New about Sex

Hooray! I wrote a thing and it was on the internet!

Fifty Shades of Grey is an erotic alternate universe fan fiction version of Twilight, and if that sentence makes no sense to you, you’re sweet to keep up with my work, Mom. For the rest of you: when Cracked and I team to remember Twilight exists, you know it’s going to end in a pile of corpses.  But are they sexy corpses? To find that out, you’ll just have to read on.

I'm not gonna lie; this is like the best Photoshop I've ever done.

Thank you to Cracked’s staff for doing a kickass job cleaning it up and editing for content and copy. I am officially out of ways to make the phrases “having sex” and “making love” sound awkward. If you’re a fan of Fifty Shades of Grey, this will cure you. It also features one of the best Photoshop facial transplants I’ve ever done, and I’m a doctor of that.

The 2012 Sex Moves Are Here!

I wrote this up for Maxim. You can see what made the cut on their site, but here are the ones that fell off the map:

After months of scientific study (read: drunken hookups), Maxim’s scientists have identified the most popular new sex moves of 2012. Careful! Don’t try any of these without a wheelbarrow, two pulleys, and a horned owl.

• The Drunken Butterfly
• Alas, Poor Yorick
• Radioactive Knitting Needle
• The Michael Douglas (think slicked-back hair)
• Wednesday Night Bowling League
• Angry Daffodil
• Forgive Us in Advance, Lord
• Tired Plumber
• This Doesn’t Usually Happen to Me
• Australian Bloodrush
• Greased Duck
• Go Yankees, YEEEEAH! New YORK, baby! UNGH!
• Who Was That Masked Man?
• Two Minutes of Unenthusiastic Thrusting
• Hadouken
• Reverse Chaucer
• If This Doesn’t Break Us Up, Nothing Will
• The Hold on, Ow
• Oh No, I Just Thought of My Dad
• Wandering Jew (can only be done once by men not yet circumcised and women who eat fiber)
• I Can’t Believe You Did That, Dave

Sometimes I write weird stuff

Like this old-timey letter I wrote for National Lampoon, in which a vintage fellow writes his mother from California to inform her that he’s found the nude actress he’s going to marry.

I just find the contrast between pornography and old-timey correspondence with an extra serving of politesse funny.

(bumped from Sunday because they moved it to the 18th)